5 Tips For The Transition From 2 to 3 Children

Trigger warning.

The decision to have a third baby is personal and often complex. No one can advise you whether to go for it or not as only you know your position, your desire and stability, financially, physically and emotionally but when we considered a third baby here, and it took me six years to convince my husband as I became broody again when my second son turned 2, we were in a strong position in all aspects.

We were both in our dream jobs, thriving in our careers, happy, financially secure, home owners and settled in Windsor. My sons were 10 and 8 at the time.

The turning point arose during a scan I had to check why blood had been discovered in my urine. All was clear thankfully but I got to chatting with the urologist about the fact I was hoping to have another baby. He immediately encouraged me to, ‘get a move on’ in a non-condescending and light-hearted way, stating that as I was already 39, there was no time to waste, something I was of course aware of, but was grateful nonetheless for the prompt, as that was the catalyst to me becoming pregnant.

We conceived quickly, had a healthy scan at 7 weeks but sadly lost our baby a few weeks later in a devastating missed miscarriage. I’d never suffered a miscarriage before but had had a scare with my first son, bleeding at 6 weeks that thankfully was not a loss. That fear and wait to see what would develop was heartwrenching.

My miscarriage was missed because I had no symptons. It was discovered during a scan at 10 and a half weeks. I was alone at the time as it was during the pandemic and babysitters were not permitted so my husband was with my children. I felt like I had fundamentally failed, that my body had failed my baby. I blamed myself. The following weeks were some of the hardest of my life which resulted in me requiring surgery to remove remaining tissue after taking oral medication. It was actually during that surgery (I was awake as it was an MVA) that the female surgeon who had funnily enough recognised me from Instagram, advised that I get, ‘back on the saddle’ as soon as possible and try again.

So that’s what I did. My GP advised waiting to try until after my first period. Many clinicians recommend waiting at least three months before trying to conceive again, while the World Health Organization recommends waiting at least six months but in my case, I knew of the risks as a 40 + mother and wanted to try as soon as possible.

The first cycle showed I didn’t ovulate which is common after a loss, I had one period and the following month, the first that we tried to conceive was when I fell pregnant with Florence, who is now 3 years old.

I admittedly spent my pregnancy anxious and on reflection wish I’d reached out to my GP for more support but I was elated but cautious throughout.

My sons were excited for a new sibling and even happier after the results of the NIPT (checks I thought would be best considering the miscarriage) showed they were going to have a sister. My eldest son desperately wanted a sister, my youngest son was wary of no longer being the baby of the family, and my husband and I were in complete disbelief we were adding a girl to the family.

We would have been happy of course for another son, my sole concern was the health of the baby but adding a daughter to our family was a dream come true after two much wanted and loved boys.

The transition from two to three when Florence was born was more of a shock than I had imagined.

My sons were 11 and 9 respectively and while I had a physically healthy pregnancy, it was a highly anxious one and I ended up needing an emergency c-section due to an infection, missing the elective that was booked several weeks later. This came after an emergency section with my first and elective with my second. This meant my recovery was slow and ardous.

Luckily, I was in Yorkshire and staying at my parents’ house and they cared for me, the baby and my sons, cooking for us etc, along with my husband.

When we returned back to Windsor a few weeks later when my husband’s Paternity leave was over, I found the transition tough, the juggle of the school-run and caring for a baby 24/7, not to mention thinking about how running my business would fit into our new life.

In many ways, due to the age gap between my children, I felt like a first time mother again with a brand new baby and the added responsibility of my other two children.

I was privileged to be able to afford home help. Being far from family and a support village bar my wonderful friends who had their own children to care for, hiring someone I trusted a few days a week, made the world of difference to my recovery.

My mental health continued to struggle due to my traumatic pregnancy and birth but having someone who became like family to us, help with the practical sides of raising kids, where we would clean and tidy and look after Florence together, was invaluable.

Three definitely felt in that first year like a class room of kids and I say that as a former teacher! One kid is one (although still a shock from none), two is two, they say, but three is twenty-three!

You as a parent are pulled in every direction with each child wanting a piece of you with very little for anyone, least of all yourself. Your identity changes, sleep deprivation hits and while your heart is full of love, this is a time of physical and emotional exhaustion for most. I don’t share this to put you off, simply for honesty’s sake because the more we prepare, the less frightened and abnormal we feel. I want to share what helped us during that time too with 5 useful tips. I could share 500 but we’d be here all day!

So, what helped us:

1. One on one time with each child even for short periods like helping with home work or walking to school meant the older children still felt listened to and supported as did having the baby in a carrier or sling so while she slept I could still be active with the boys. As my sons were older at 11 and 9 when Florence was born, I was able to talk candidly to them about the changes to our family dynamic emphasising these shifts were temporary but that the baby reliesdon me to survive so needed to pull together to care for her and all of us. Both boys stepped up, helped more, doing chores but also having heaps of fun with their little sis. Do involve your children with the new baby, managing their expectations before the baby arrives and explaining why she might be crying. Communication is key. Don’t expect your children to know or even understand everything about babies. If either feels jealous know this is normal and common, remind them how much the baby loves them (if they are mature enough to understand) and that life will change again as they grow and be even better than before. The bonds not only between my children but also with us as parents fortified when we had a third child.
2. Reach out for help and accept it when it’s offered. Learn to say ‘yes’ and know it is not a weakness to accept support, be it dropping food over, looking after your older children, or taking you out for a breather. I often called my Mum when times felt especially hard, and she would drop everything, travel for hours and stay with me to help me back on my feet.
3. Get into a routine. This is crucial for everyone. Ensure the older children’s routine continues as normal where possible, with nursery and school runs, dinner and bedtime routines. This will keep life as normal as possible for your older children and will help you to get the baby into a similar routine, syncing nap times where possible, dinner, bath and bedtime. My sons loved reading a bedtime story to Florence after her bath and that settled them into feeling more relaxed before bed, despite their own bedtime being later than her’s.
4. Eat well. I wish I had taken note of this more, as I was a seasoned mother by baby number 3 yet I still reached for convenient foods, sugary treats and far too much caffeine which then becomes a catch 22 of sugar crashes and craving more of the sweet stuff. I ate healthy meals on the whole but the snacks and coffee derailed me. Please try and prioritise your own health. By doing so, everyone benefits.
5. Fresh air. It’s not called ‘forest therapy’ for no reason. However bad the night before was sleep-wise and sleep deprivation really is the worst, getting out with the pram (after my 6 week post c-section check up) in the fresh air, ideally surrounded by countryside was rejuventating and helped both my physical and mental health. I always, always felt better after a walk and it’s great for the baby too. My older kids and husband would often join our travels after school and on weekends and it was a time for family bonding and fun. It was also a mindful way to connect with other mum friends as we grabbed coffee and walked through the parks surrounding our homes.

Now, these are just a few tips, others I would hasten to add would be to meditate where possible too; to seek therapy if you’re struggling and are able to access it, to speak to your doctor too if you are suffering mentally or physically and not brushing your own concerns when help is at hand. Whilst I had a little therapy, I really could have done with more support to help me emotionally during my pregnancy after a loss and I regret dismissing my own needs despite experiencing and recovering from a traumatic birth with my first child.

We are utterly elated to have our daughter and cannot even remember life without her!

Everyone’s journey and experience is different, I have friends who found the jump from two to three kids totally seamless (mostly as their third child was so easy-going) and others, like myself found it a life-changing rollercoaster! Character-building, challenging but beautiful.

Life has calmed down hugely now that my daughter is a mature and independent 3 year old (she’s the boss!) and now my boys are 15 and 12. We are settled in our routine and new lives, we even made the move back close to my folks a few years ago and bought our forever home as three kids does require space and ideally a village on your doorstep!

Please remember pregnancy and the postpartum period can take months and even years to recover from. It’s a huge change as is adapting to growing your family. Go gently on yourself.