The roommate phase, the dry spell, the do-you-even-like-me-anymore doldrums — whatever you call it, most married couples go through it at some point, maybe more than once. If you feel like your spark is one more sex-less night away from being snuffed out entirely, you’re not alone. Between work, kids, and the countless pressures facing parents today, it’s extremely difficult to find the time and energy to nurture your marriage. But if you’ve been feeling like you and your partner are in your “meh” era and want to shake it off, here’s what relationship experts suggest.
“Every couple has different seasons, especially around children, work stressors, and overall ups and downs of life,” says Melissa Paul, LCSW, founder of MLP Therapy Group in New York. “It is important to recognize that the relationship isn’t a problem, but just like all relationships, it needs time and attention.”
6 Signs Your Marriage Needs Help
The first step to getting your spark back is acknowledging it’s lost right now. Don’t panic — this doesn’t mean you’re headed straight for divorce. These are just some red flags that, hey, it might be time to focus on getting connected again.
1. Intimacy disappears.
Sex is usually the first thing to go when your relationship needs a little work, says licensed marriage and family therapist Cheryl Donaldson.
“The relationship starts to feel more like a partnership or friendship, rather than an intimate connection between two people who are in love. I’m often shocked in my office by how quickly that part of the relationship fades. When there’s no romance or excitement, that’s a key signal that something has shifted.”
2. You don’t fight at all, or you fight often about petty things.
Arguments between partners are usually about something more than who does the laundry more often. The real issue is, do you care? Do you see my efforts? When that devolves into nitpicking and sniping… red flag.
“Either conflict is avoided entirely, or it shows up as petty arguments that don’t actually address what’s underneath,” Donaldson explains.
3. You’ve stopped laughing together.
The ability to play and share “lightness” is a sign that things are healthy, Donaldson explains. If there’s no more “fun” in “functional,” take it as a warning sign.
4. You don’t spend intentional time together.
You feel like you talk constantly and spend a ton of time together, but if you’re shuttling kids to school and practice, making dinner, and discussing logistics, that’s not the same. Even 10 minutes you spend connecting is something, Donaldson says.
5. You’re no longer vulnerable with each other.
You’re not sharing your emotions, innermost thoughts, or what’s really going on in your internal world. That’s a major sign your connection is wavering, Donaldson says.
6. You stop seeking out new experiences together.
Novelty brings so much value to a long-term relationship. When couples stop looking to do new and exciting things together, it could be a sign that your marriage needs that TLC more than ever, says Paul.
How To Get The Spark Back In Your Marriage, According To Experts
If you notice the distance growing between you and your partner, you have to address it head-on. You don’t want to sound accusatory, but you want to make it clear you feel a disconnect.
“Let your partner know how you feel with ‘I feel’ statements and then following up with a suggestion. An example could be ‘I feel not desired because of the lack of intimacy in our relationship. Maybe we can try to go out on a date tonight?’ This is a way to share and communicate what you are feeling and offering a way to address it together, removing blame from the situation,” says Paul.
Donaldson agrees, saying to lead off with what you want. Consider these conversation starters:
- “I want to spend more time with you.”
- “I miss having fun with you.”
- “I just want to sit and have a glass of wine together and talk about our day.”
“It doesn’t have to be something big. It’s about reconnecting in small, consistent ways. You have to intentionally carve out space for connection,” she says.
In general, she advises her clients to put their phones away when they’re together, lest technology get in the way of your attempts to build connection. Be fully present when you come home, and create pockets of time for the two of you during the day, even if it’s just 10 minutes of giving each other your undivided attention. You don’t need weekends away and expensive dinners out, Donaldson says — “you just need small, reliable moments of availability.”
Ultimately, these red flags are not something to panic over. In fact, they’re good information, Donaldson says.
“It’s very normal, and it’s also instructive. I think of it like your body giving you signals. A ‘meh’ phase is your relationship telling you that certain needs aren’t being met. It’s an indication that something needs to shift. You have to create energy again through connection, intimacy, curiosity, and spontaneity. It’s not necessarily a sign that something is wrong with the relationship. It’s a signal that the relationship needs attention.”
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