7 Silent Ways Men Check Out Of Marriages

“Something’s off with John,” a close friend recently confessed during one of our catch-up calls. “Like, he’s here… but he’s not really here.” Over the next half hour, she explained that their relationship appeared fine on the surface. They weren’t fighting. They were doing all the normal things: family dinners when their schedules allowed, the weekly Costco run, streaming their favorite show together. But for a while now, it had felt like he was just going through the motions — and she wasn’t sure where to go from there.

It isn’t the first time I’ve heard a friend describe a similar dynamic with their partner. For many women, it seems, this is the loneliest and most confusing place to be: Your husband hasn’t left, but it feels like he’s already gone. “Emotional withdrawal can be subtle and quiet, sometimes happening over months or, a lot of times, years,” divorce attorney and mediator Jenny Bradley, founder of Triangle Smart Divorce, tells Scary Mommy. “It’s rarely loud or dramatic.”

So, how can you tell if the man you married is silently checking out — and what can you do about it? We asked a slew of experts for their insight, and these are the signs they shared.

1. It’s feeling real roommate-ish lately.

Men who’ve checked out often stay physically present but emotionally absent. So, an early indicator several experts cited was a shift in your relationship from feeling like partners to feeling more like two people who happen to cohabitate.

“One of the clearest signs is the shift from connection to coexistence,” family law attorney Anna Blood tells us. “Conversations become transactional, physical affection fades, and shared experiences are replaced with parallel routines.”

Couples therapist Thomas Westenholz doesn’t sugarcoat it: “He may still do the school run, fix the boiler, and show up for dinner, but emotionally, he’s gone.”

2. You’re getting the “chilled” shoulder.

While he might not give you the full-blown cold shoulder or ice you out entirely, you’ll definitely feel a chill. Where your conversations once felt warm and robust, they turn into small talk and perfunctory exchanges, i.e., “Are you picking the kids up from practice, or am I?”

It goes with the whole roommate dynamic, explains divorce coach Mardi Winder-Adams. Your conversations begin to feel more like those of acquaintances than partners. “Conversations get shorter, more surface-level, and more about the day-to-day topics of being parents or living in the same house,” she says. “Typically, discussions include nothing about the future, goals, or aspirations you may have once developed as a couple.”

This lack of interest in your life — or in sharing his own — may ultimately lead to the slow death of meaningful dialogue between the two of you.

3. The rough patch never really clears up.

Listen, a lot of couples go through the quote-unquote roommate years (often when their kids are little) and come out on the other side just fine. A rough patch does not necessarily mean your relationship will not recover. But when that rough patch lingers a little too long and your partner doesn’t seem invested in helping clear it up, you could be looking at real emotional disengagement on his part.

“Stress from work, finances, or parenting can cause temporary distance, but it’s typically paired with reassurance … ‘I’m just under a lot of pressure right now, but I love you,’ and an eventual return to connection,” Blood explains of a run-of-the-mill rough patch. However, with emotional disengagement is different, she says, noting, “The emotional warmth doesn’t return, and there’s little to no effort to repair the bond. I often see this in couples contemplating divorce.”

Bickering can even, when done in a non-threatening way, be a better sign for your relationship because it means your husband still cares enough to muster the effort. Westenholz sums it up: “A rough patch still has a pulse — you argue, you cry, you care. Emotional withdrawal is flat.”

4. He seems to have lots of time and energy for other things.

Strange, because although he can’t seem to spare a minute to have a 20-minute conversation with you, he seems to have all the time in the world for extracurricular activities. “Some men will unconsciously substitute connection with distraction, working late, over-investing in hobbies, suddenly needing ‘space’ or privacy,” confirms sex and relationship therapist Emma Shandy Anway of ESA Counseling Services.

Bradley elaborates that staying busy is on purpose. It’s not because they have to, but because it literally gives them the space and distance to check out of the marriage. “This is one we see constantly in divorce cases,” she says. “Hyperfocus on hobbies or new interests: suddenly obsessed with the gym, golf, woodworking, or something that gives them solo time and a reason to disengage.”

It may also look like zoning out with screens (“hours on the phone gaming or watching TV”) or changes in appearance or grooming (“either letting themselves go or swinging the other way and suddenly trying harder than usual”).

5. The “four horsemen” show up.

You don’t have to be familiar with the Bible to recognize these assholes — dubbed so by famed psychologist John Gottman, the four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, says couples therapist Gayane Aramyan. “If you’re seeing these, check in with yourself, your partner, and a therapist.”

This behavior is actually deep-rooted in the male psyche, according to Anway.

“Many men have been socialized to equate emotional vulnerability with weakness. Instead of reaching for connection when they feel hurt or disillusioned, they retreat into silence, irritability, or numbing behaviors,” she explains. “This withdrawal is often not an act of cruelty; it’s an adaptive strategy learned in boyhood to survive environments where expressing feelings wasn’t safe or encouraged. A lot of men do not have the tools or language to talk about what is happening, and find it safer to withdraw.”

Unfortunately, that means you may see an uptick in “nitpicking, passive-aggressive comments, or a sharp lack of patience,” points out Bradley.

6. Physical intimacy is going, going, gone.

Take this one with a grain of salt, because every couple is different when it comes to physical intimacy and what’s “normal” for them. But that’s the crux you need to consider: You know what’s normal for you. Even if you’re not a particularly sexual or intimately affectionate couple, you can recognize when it — whether that’s sex or simply pecking each other on the cheek — becomes less frequent.

“There’s often a noticeable pullback in physical affection: less touch, less sex, and/or less effort,” says Bradley.

7. Your gut is telling you something serious is up.

You’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it a hundred thousand more times: Trust your gut.

“Trust what you’re feeling. If it feels like something’s off, it probably is. You’re not too needy, too emotional, or too much,” says Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver, a licensed psychologist, certified coach, and host of The Mama Shrink podcast. “You’re responding to emotional deprivation. Look for a pattern that keeps repeating, [and] trust your gut and work with a skilled therapist who can help you sort this out.”

There are few things in this world more powerful than a woman’s intuition. While you may not want to listen to what your gut is saying when it comes to your marriage, it’s better to get out in front of any issues before they become too big and swallow your relationship whole.

So, what can you do?

All hope is not lost. Some couples are able to bring their relationship back to center — but it takes some concerted effort, which you may feel like you’ve been putting in more than your fair share of all along.

“This often requires open dialogue, vulnerability, and in many cases, professional counseling. The earlier it’s addressed, the greater the likelihood of restoring the connection,” says Blood, suggesting, “Approach the conversation from a place of curiosity rather than accusation, and prioritize your own emotional well-being while you explore whether your partner is willing to meet you halfway. Early intervention, through counseling, honest conversations, and consistent effort, can be the difference between healing and a permanent emotional divide.”

But, cautions Edwards-Hawver, sometimes you have to know when you’re fighting a losing battle — something that is frequently the case if you’re married to someone who is a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies.

“You can’t rebuild a marriage by yourself,” she says. “If he’s open to real, uncomfortable conversations, then there’s a path forward. But if he stays silent, blames you, or gaslights your concerns? That’s not a marriage, and it likely will not change. Women usually feel like they’re in survival mode and become burnt-out trying to resuscitate something he already left.”