What is Parentification? — Talkspace

While the actual prevalence is unknown, research suggests an estimated 1.3 – 1.4 million caregivers are under the age of 18 in the United States. It’s a phenomenon known as parentification, and it ​happens when a child becomes “the responsible one” in a family. Parentification​ trauma can occur when children are forced to take on adult responsibilities, like doing most of the household chores, comforting an emotionally distressed parent, or caring for younger siblings. The role of caregiver often keeps them from playing, having friends, or succeeding in school. It’s more common than many people realize, yet it’s still largely overlooked in the conversations we have today about family dynamics.

Fortunately, if you’re dealing with the emotional burden of parentification, healing is possible. Read on as we explore the causes, types, long-term effects, and ways to recover from parentification. We’re shedding light on what happens if you step into a caregiver’s role before you’re ready and how you can overcome the pain it caused in your life. 

What Is Parentification?

The term parentification​ was first coined by family therapist Salvador Minuchin in the late 1960s. Psychiatrist Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy later defined it in 1973. It’s essentially a role reversal, where, as a child, you become your family’s caregiver. 

While it’s argued that it is healthy for kids to have responsibilities in the home, they should be age-appropriate; parentification​ is not. The inappropriate burden placed on parentified children and adolescents disrupts normal and healthy development.

There are two general types of parentification:

• Emotional: You emotionally support your parents, siblings, or other family members. You often found yourself acting as a confidant or mediator for your parents and siblings.
• Instrumental: In this case, you took on practical caregiving tasks and roles in the home, like cooking, cleaning, shopping, or managing other household duties.

Emotional parentification

Emotional parentification causes a child to be the emotional caretaker in the family. For example, maybe you remember having to comfort a parent who was struggling with their mental health. They might have been depressed or had anxiety, and it all fell on you to manage, even though you were young and still needed love and support for yourself. You also might have found yourself mediating parental arguments and sibling conflicts, or hiding your feelings to keep the peace in your home. 

If you grew up dealing with emotional parentification, you probably learned to believe that you’re responsible for other people’s emotions. Even today, you might find that you still put others’ needs before your own.

Instrumental parentification

Instrumental parentification happens when you’re expected to do physical or practical tasks beyond what’s expected at a given age. 

If you experienced instrumental parentification, you might have:

• Prepped meals
• Managed finances
• Cared for younger siblings without supervision
• Handled household chores and responsibilities
• Shopped for home and personal needs

It’s normal, and even healthy, to contribute to family life, but instrumental parentification can quickly become harmful. If constant responsibilities at home interfered with your development, relationships, social life, or education, it wasn’t helpful. At some point, it probably even started doing some long-term damage.

“When children become responsible for caring for themselves and their siblings, they often skip important developmental milestones. This causes the child to become prone to trauma as an adult, experiencing PTSD and challenges in relationships because they lack maturity, feelings, and safety.”

– Talkspace therapist Reshawna Chapple, PhD, LCSW

Why Does Parentification Happen?

Parentification typically starts with complex family dynamics or external pressures. There are four common causes of parentification:

• Family dysfunction
• Parental absence
• Cultural or economic reasons
• Intergenerational trauma

Family dysfunction

Family dysfunction can result in parentification. If your parents struggled with substance use, chronic illness, or undiagnosed or untreated mental health conditions, it’s possible they couldn’t be competent parents, and you may have had no choice but to step up. Your sense of safety and identity was probably compromised as a result. 

For example, a parent who struggled with addiction might not have been emotionally available to care for you or your family. They might have needed, expected, or demanded that you keep the household going or care for your younger siblings.

“Mental health struggles or substance use problems can lead to a role reversal, forcing the child to take care of themselves, siblings, and sometimes the parent. This can cause the child to miss out on feelings of innocence and security. Thus, causing the child to grow up faster than they should.  Even though they grow up, they lack the understanding, structure, and trust that they gain from their parents in childhood. Many do not understand how to set healthy boundaries or develop healthy adult relationships.”

– Talkspace therapist Reshawna Chapple, PhD, LCSW

The absence of a parent

Parents can be absent for any number of reasons. Death, divorce, incarceration, or emotional unavailability can all create stark voids in a parent’s ability to be an effective caregiver. If you had an absent parent growing up, your natural response might have been to try and fill the gaps. Maybe you managed household finances or emotionally supported family members.

Cultural or economic reasons

Some cultures encourage children to contribute to the family’s welfare early on. Collectivist cultures, for example, expect children to care for younger siblings or help run the family business. While this might foster resilience and independence, there’s a fine line between allowing a child to help and the harm that parentification causes.

Economic hardships, especially in single-parent homes, sometimes require children to take on adult-like responsibilities so the family can survive.

Intergenerational trauma

Parentification doesn’t usually come out of nowhere. It’s often something that gets passed down through generations. If a parent had to take on too much as a child—maybe they were expected to care for siblings, manage adult emotions, or handle responsibilities beyond their age—they may unintentionally expect the same from their own kids. It’s not always out of neglect; sometimes, it’s just what feels normal to them. However, when those patterns repeat and parenting styles continue, the emotional weight of growing up too soon keeps getting handed down, generation after generation. Breaking that cycle of intergenerational trauma starts with recognizing it for what it is.

The Effects of Parentification on Children and Adults

If you grew up as a parentified child, you may still be carrying some of that trauma with you, which is totally understandable. Being forced to take on adult roles before you’re emotionally or physically ready can affect you for the rest of your life.  

On children

Parentification can cause long-term effects that alter your life, relationships, and ability to function every day as a child. 

• Increased anxiety and stress: Constant responsibilities may have resulted in chronic worry and pressure.
• Loss of childhood: You likely missed out on age-appropriate, healthy, and normal socialization or other experiences.
• Guilt and shame: It’s normal if you felt conflicted as a child. You might have blamed yourself for your family’s problems or felt responsible for trying to fix them.
• Difficulties setting boundaries as adults: Because you grew up prioritizing the needs of others before your own, it might still be difficult for you to set healthy relationship boundaries.

On adults

The lingering effects of parentification can follow you into adulthood. It’s only by understanding them that you can overcome their impact and heal from them. 

• People pleasing and codependency: As an adult, you still feel a strong need to care for others, even if it means putting your own needs last.  
• Chronic guilt or over-responsibility: You might feel guilty and responsible for the well-being of others in your life, even now that you’re grown.
• Burnout and emotional exhaustion: Persistent caregiving can take a toll and eventually lead to burnout or emotional exhaustion.
• Low self-worth: If you internalize the belief that your needs aren’t important, it can cause lifelong self-esteem issues.
• Intimacy challenges: Parentification can cause trust issues. If it’s difficult for you to form close, healthy relationships as an adult, parentification might be why. 
• Hyper-independence: Your past experiences can make you hesitant to rely on others. You likely learned to be self-reliant early on, and you may still struggle to let others in.

How to Recognize if You Were a Parentified Child

Realizing you were a parentified child often comes later in life, but it’s critical to understand your emotional history so you can start the healing process.

If you’re unsure, ask yourself reflective questions like:

• Were you often responsible for your parents’ or siblings’ emotional well-being?
• Were you expected to manage adult household tasks?
• Did you often suppress your needs and feelings to keep the family peace?
• Do you struggle as an adult with setting boundaries or saying no, even when it would be in your best interest?

Healing from Parentification

The good news is that you can heal from parentification. A big part of the process involves reclaiming your childhood and the emotional space you lost when you took on adult-like roles in your home. 

Inner child work

To heal from childhood trauma, it’s important to connect with and nurture your wounded inner child. Addressing unmet needs and unresolved emotions from your formative years is essential for growth and healing.

Setting boundaries and learning self-care

The ability to say no is crucial for mental well-being. As an adult who was parentified in the past, breaking the patterns of accepting too much responsibility is key to your recovery. Setting boundaries with family is one way to do this, even if it feels unnatural at first. 

Reparenting yourself

Reparenting is a therapeutic process that involves giving yourself the care, validation, and protection you didn’t get as a child. You might want to work with a qualified, experienced therapist for this part. They’ll use self-compassion exercises, help you identify unmet needs, and offer tools you can use to find emotional safety in your life today. 

“A therapist can help guide someone through the process of reparenting themselves by providing a safe space for the client to explore past experiences and emotions, and by helping them identify and address unmet needs from their childhood. This process fosters self-compassion and develops healthy coping mechanisms.”

– Talkspace therapist Reshawna Chapple, PhD, LCSW

Rebuilding identity

To rebuild your identity, you must separate your current sense of self from the parentified role you once played. This is how you’ll find authentic self-expression and true growth. Therapy will be instrumental in helping you rediscover who you are outside of the role you adopted as a caregiver long ago.

Professional support through therapy

Therapy is critical in overcoming some childhood wounds. Certain types of therapy are more effective than others when dealing with parentification. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), trauma-informed therapy, and family therapy are all effective in helping you address the negative impact your childhood had on you.

Online therapy is an accessible and convenient way to find help. Talkspace provides support as you explore and heal from the painful dynamics of parentification, and you can do it all in a private, comfortable, at-home setting.

Breaking the Cycle: You Deserve to Heal

If you were parentified as a child, it’s not your fault. You carried a weight that no child should have to bear. Your experiences as a child don’t have to rule your life as an adult. Recognizing the pattern is your first step toward healing. 

Therapy can offer you a safe space to unpack your childhood experiences. Talkspace is an excellent place for you to explore unhealthy or unhelpful patterns you developed in childhood. Online therapists can help you build the emotional resilience you need to overcome pain from your past.

Find the support system you need as you work to become the best version of yourself as an adult. Start healing today.