If you’re an overstimulated mom, the idea of getting it on with your partner at the end of the day might be too much for your fried nervous system to handle. You want to be touched in a loving way by an adult who doesn’t need you to make them a snack, but at the same time, any more sensory input might send you over the edge. But I think we’re all old enough now to understand that sex doesn’t always mean P in V. So, what if you could be intimate without touching each other at all? Mutual masturbation might just be the key for exhausted parents who are worn out from being needed all day, but who still want to physically connect in the evenings.
Mutual masturbation is exactly what it sounds like: You and your partner both touch yourselves, and whether or not you ever touch each other is up to you — but if it never comes to that, so be it! The point is that you’re both responsible for your own pleasure, which is honestly kind of refreshing if you think about it.
“With mutual masturbation, there’s no pressure to already know what they want, because you can watch or gently guide each other,” says Angie Rowntree, ABS, founder and director of Sssh.com, an online destination for sex-positive, ethical porn. “Mutual masturbation is a wonderful way to learn more about each other’s bodies and how you both experience pleasure — which is a key aspect of sustaining a fulfilling intimate life.”
No matter how long you’ve been together, you never really stop learning about each other, Rowntree says. Mutual masturbation can offer a new glimpse into what your partner likes, in what amount, and when. It’s also a great option if one of you is “out of commission” for one reason or another, says Marla Renee Stewart, MA, CSE, a clinical sexologist and sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness brand.
“If someone’s genitals may be out of partnered commission for whatever reason — a breakout, menstruation — it’s an alternative and different activity that may spur unpredictability,” she says.
Obviously, you can use mutual masturbation as foreplay or an interesting experiment to get you both started, and then have partnered sex in your usual way. “To our knowledge, there are no sex police telling consenting adults what they ought to do. Keep the lines of communication open between the two of you, and the fun will always be mutual,” says Rowntree.
How To Bring Up Mutual Masturbation To Your Partner
If you’re not used to chatting about fantasies or new bedroom ideas, it might sound like it’s going to be awkward to bring this up. But it doesn’t have to be.
“Great sex starts with great communication, and hopefully you are in a relationship in which you are both engaging in open and honest communication about everything — not just about your sex life,” Rowntree says. “Now, if you get a little tongue-tied about discussing mutual masturbation over breakfast, why not bring it up in the context of your next date night? We are also not above sending a racy text message to the effect of ‘Tonight I want to watch you,’ or ‘It would be so hot if we ____.’”
You don’t have to wax poetic here. Just try to frame your request to your partner in a way that makes them feel desired and respected, Rowntree says.
Won’t it be awkward?!
I mean, maybe! So what? Halfway fumbling through something new together adds novelty and can help you both connect, even if you decide that the whole mutual masturbation thing is just not for you. “Embrace the awkward! Sometimes, things need to be awkward before they can become normalized, so embracing the awkward can be one of the best things you can do,” Stewart says.
And if you start out trying it and want to bail, no one says you can’t touch each other. “Mutual masturbation is not limited to just watching each other get off, unless of course that’s what you want. In any case, if you ever feel awkward or reticent about anything in the bedroom, don’t feel like you cannot adapt or opt out,” Rowntree says.
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