On my daughter’s first day of school, I could not wait to pick her up. I wanted to hear all about her day. Who did she sit next to at lunch? Did she make any new friends? What was her classroom like? Does she like her teacher? I had a million questions for her, and then… I saw a TikTok video that totally changed my entire plan for after-school pick up.
Caley Kukla, a child development specialist, early interventionist, and parent coach, reminded me that questions are not connections. I need to chill with the third degree right after I pick my daughter up from school.
“I know you want to hear about their day. I know you probably have a million questions about how is their teacher, who’s in their class, who did they sit with at lunch, what did they do at recess, what was their favorite subject so far … here’s the thing: they just had a day of so much excitement, so many nerves, so much socialization, so many new expectations in a new environment with new peers with a new leader. It’s mentally exhausting,” she said.
“Think about how you feel at the end of the day when you’ve been with your kids all day, and they have a million questions a million demands, and they ask like one too many, right? It’s demand fatigue and questions are demands because they’re really expectations.”
“We ask a question. We expect an answer in return, and that’s a cognitive demand on our child who’s probably already cognitively depleted.”
So, what do we do if we want to connect with our kids after school, but peppering them with questions is actually out of the question?
Kukla suggests some sentimental remark to offer “some reconnection with phrases such as, “It’s so good to see you,” or “I was thinking about you today.”
Then, we wait.
“Wait for them to share their energy with you,” she advises.
Once you get a good feeling for their vibe, then you can go from there. Are they happy and excited? Are they tired? Frustrated? Go from there. Oh, and don’t forget a snack!
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