How Grandparents Can Help Keep The Peace At Christmas

Below you’ll find a comprehensive guide for grandparents to help support neurodivergent children in the family at Christmas.

This guest post is written by Nicola Lathey, founder and clinical director at The Owl Centre – a national ADHD and autism assessment centre (https://www.theowl.org/). 

Christmas has a funny way of magnifying everything. The love. The noise. The expectations. And, when there are neurodivergent children in the family, the pressure to ‘just enjoy it’ can tip a joyful day into a stressful one quickly.

For many grandparents, this can feel confusing or even hurtful. Why doesn’t my grandchild want a cuddle? Why are they melting down when everyone else is having fun? Why does something that worked beautifully with my own children seem to unravel now?

The answer, more often than not, is neurodivergence. And, a world that suddenly becomes louder, brighter, busier and far less predictable in December.

As a clinician working closely with neurodivergent families, I see the same thing every year: grandparents who care deeply, want to help, but don’t always know how. The good news? Small shifts can make an enormous difference. Christmas doesn’t need to be ‘perfect’ to be peaceful – it just needs to be kinder, calmer and a little more flexible.

Here are five ways grandparents can become quiet Christmas heroes.

1. Predictability is the most precious gift of all

While surprises are often seen as part of the magic of Christmas, for autistic and ADHD children they can be deeply unsettling. Not knowing what’s coming next can trigger anxiety long before the turkey is even in the oven.

One of the kindest things grandparents can do is share a simple plan in advance. It doesn’t need to be rigid or joyless, just clear.

‘Presents at 9. Everyone does their own thing at 11. Lunch at 2. King’s Speech at 3.’

Knowing what’s happening, and when, helps neurodivergent children (and adults) regulate their emotions and energy. It also prevents grandparents accidentally becoming the Agent of Chaos by announcing last-minute changes or spontaneous group activities. Even a rough schedule can turn tension into calm.

2. Make sensory peacekeeping your superpower

Christmas is essentially a sensory obstacle course disguised as a celebration. Flashing lights. Strong smells. Loud music. Crowded rooms. Scratchy outfits. For neurodivergent children, this can be overwhelming.

Grandparents can help by quietly creating sensory escape routes:

• A calm, quiet room where children can regulate
  
• Softer lighting rather than flashing disco trees
  
• Headphones or ear defenders without comment
  
• Permission to step away, no explanations required
  

These aren’t ‘special favours’. They’re essential tools that help children cope. When sensory needs are respected, meltdowns often reduce  and everyone enjoys the day more.

3. Ask, don’t assume

Many Christmas flashpoints begin with good intentions.

‘I’ve bought Quality Street for us all to enjoy’
‘I thought you’d love this jumper’
‘You always liked this when you were little’

For neurodivergent children, assumptions – especially around food, gifts or physical affection – can backfire. Sensory sensitivities, rigid preferences and emotional overwhelm can make even well-chosen gestures feel stressful.

A simple reframe helps:
‘Would you prefer Quality Street or Hotel Chocolat?’
“Would you rather a hug now, or shall we save that for later?’
‘Do you want to open presents now or later?’

Some choices creates safety. Asking rather than assuming prevents disappointment, resentment and, occasionally, cushion-throwing.

4. Don’t take emotional moments personally

Christmas meltdowns aren’t a sign of bad behaviour, poor parenting or lack of gratitude. They’re usually the result of overload: too much noise, too many people, too many expectations.

When emotions spill over, the most powerful thing grandparents can do is not take it personally. This is often the hardest part, especially when feelings are hurt-  but it’s also where real peacekeeping happens.

Avoid hot-button topics, stay calm, offer reassurance and give space. Sometimes the most loving response is simply being steady and saying very little at all. When grandparents can remain the “Steady Eddie” in the room, everyone else finds it easier to breathe again.

5. Model softness, not stoicism

Many grandparents grew up with a ‘keep calm and carry on’ approach to emotions. But neurodivergent children benefit far more from emotional openness and flexibility.

Phrases like:
‘It’s okay to step away’
‘Take your time’
‘I’m happy to help in whatever way you need’

These small reassurances send a powerful message: your needs are valid, and you are safe here.

When grandparents model softness rather than endurance, Christmas becomes less about performance and more about presence. Less about traditions at all costs, and more about connection.

But, importantly… 

A neurodivergent Christmas doesn’t need fixing. It needs understanding.

Grandparents play a uniquely important role in shaping how children feel about family, belonging and themselves. With a little predictability, sensory awareness and emotional generosity, grandparents can become invaluable allies. Not just at Christmas, but all year round.

Peace doesn’t come from everyone behaving perfectly. It comes from everyone feeling seen.

And that, truly, is the most meaningful gift of all.

For 2026, The Owl Centre will be launching ‘Grandparent Differently’ – a six-week course designed to empower grandparents of neurodivergent children with practical strategies, emotional insight and confidence.