Why Feeling “Desired” Changes With Age, & How That Affects Sex

“Mom peed her pants again!” my middle child announces, giggling.

I shuffle past in my sweats, feeling a prickle of embarrassment in front of my own family.

My husband comes to my rescue. “Hey, your mom gave you life. So you can say thank you instead of laughing at her.”

I shoot him a grateful look. Last year, I bought myself a rebounder with the hope of trampolining myself into a stronger pelvic floor and erasing my love handles. So far, the only result I’ve noticed is needing panty liners — a reminder that I’ve had three children, and my body knows it. Other reminders include my newly creaking knees, a stiffer neck, and deepening smile lines.

None of these things makes me feel sexy or beautiful. I’m 38 this year. My friends in their 40s and beyond laugh at me. “Just wait,” they gloat.

Maybe that’s why I’ve started mourning my changing body, sensing my most youthful years are behind me, and the creaking, tightening, and softening have only just begun.

“Do you feel beautiful?” my husband asked me the other day.

We’d just gotten home from vacation, where I disliked most of the pictures of me.

I shrugged. “Sometimes yes, sometimes no.”

“Well, you are,” he says. “I’m still attracted to you.”

“Thanks,” I say. I wish I felt as confident about myself as he does.

I know I’m not the only woman quietly wondering why aging is changing how desirable she feels, and what that means for intimacy. Sometimes, I find myself wanting to have sex only with the lights off. So, to better understand how aging affects our sex lives, I turned to the experts.

Who decided that feeling and being desired end at a certain age?

Society and the media frame our aging bodies as problems that need fixing, says Noelle Benach, a licensed clinical professional counselor and AASECT-certified sex therapist. She points out that fad diets, weight-loss drugs, and cosmetic surgeries are part of a money-making industry meant to make us distrust and criticize our bodies.

It doesn’t help that pop culture rarely paints aging women as desirable, adds Jennifer Litner, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist, reinforcing the “idea that desire has an expiration date, which simply isn’t true.”

We’re often taught that “chronic dissatisfaction,” shame, and constant self-improvement are the only way to remain wanted, says Benach. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Can we feel more desired over time?

Yes! We don’t have to give in to a system that profits from our getting older and tells us the only way to feel desired is by being desirable. Instead, we should focus on what brings us pleasure and connection — not so much the orgasms or performance, Benach says.

Research even suggests that our sex life can actually improve with age because many people gain self-awareness, confidence, and more transparent communication about what they want.

Do life transitions change the way we approach sex?

It can.

“Hormonal shifts, bodily changes, health conditions, medications, stress, and energy levels can all influence how desire shows up and how easily we do (or don’t) feel wanted,” says Holly Wood, a certified sex therapist and clinical sexologist.

The fun stuff, like hot flashes, night sweats, and vaginal dryness, can make us feel like sex will never be the same.

But there are fixes for these things: “lubricants, moisturizers, pelvic floor support, and hormone replacement therapy” can all help, reassures Benach. She recommends The Good Enough Sex Model to approach sex with a more realistic, pressure-free lens.

What are some surprising ways to build sexual confidence?

My partner’s affirmations have made a big difference, and one reason I still feel desired. How your partner talks to you matters, says Benach. But it’s not the only puzzle piece.

How we talk to ourselves matters, too, which is something I’m working on when I stare at my body in the mirror.

“I think owning who you are is incredibly powerful,” says Litner. It’s one of the benefits of growing older — many adults report that as they age, they gain “confidence and a deeper understanding of what actually brings them pleasure; these qualities often make desire stronger, not weaker.”

Staying curious and open to trying new things can also build sexual confidence. What do you need to feel safe, connected, and desired? Talk about it. And then look for ways to foster desire.

Instead of chasing “horniness,” Wood says build connection by establishing emotional intimacy, novelty, pressure-free touch, and taking care of your body. “Pleasure dates, sexy brainstorming sessions, and erotic adventures are some of my favorite suggestions,” shares Litner.

“Sexuality is endlessly expansive if you want it to be,” encourages Benach.

Aging is going to change my body — that’s inevitable — but I want to respond in a way that honors the process and leans into the idea of endless expansion.

Sounds sexy, doesn’t it?