Talking to Kids about Abuse

One of the scariest things that no parent wants to think about is their child getting abused. We always think it’s a distant possibility for our kids, but the truth is that the world is more dangerous than we think.

Facts about Child Abuse

• Approximately 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are sexually abused before the age of 18
• 90 million children alive today have experienced sexual violence
• 90% of the perpetrators were known to the child
• 68% of the abusers were family members
• In 30% of cases, the abuser is a person under 18 years of age
• 97% of online sexual abuse victims were female
• Sexual abuse imagery of children increased by 374% after the pandemic

We understand that reading about this is very distressing, not to mention scary. It can also be triggering if you’ve been through a similar experience in your own childhood. But the only way to protect our children from the unthinkable is to talk about it. This can be a difficult topic to start a conversation about, so here are some tips for talking to kids about abuse in a gentle but efficient manner.

1. Use the right words

Parents have a tendency to use nicknames for private parts, which can be confusing for the child. From their point of view, Mom calls his hand a ‘hand’, but his penis becomes ‘wee wee’. This automatically attaches some kind of shame to these parts, teaching kids that these shouldn’t be talked about.

Avoid this by teaching kids the correct names for their genitals, just like with their other body parts. Bathtime and potty time are good opportunities for this. This makes it easier to communicate in case they need to.

2. Help them understand boundaries

Now that your child knows the names of their body parts, its time to teach them about privacy and boundaries. Explain that some parts of their body are supposed to be private – these are not for others to see. That’s why we cover them up when going to the pool or the beach.

Tell your child that only Mommy or Daddy are allowed to see their private parts, as well as a doctor when Mommy or Daddy is present. No one else is allowed to see, touch or take pictures of their private parts. At the same time, they shouldn’t touch or look at another person’s privates either, even if they are asked to.

If you notice your child and a friend exploring their bodies together, don’t shame them. Gently tell them that private parts are not for playing, not even with other children.

3. Model healthy boundaries yourself

All the talking to kids about abuse will do no good if you don’t model healthy boundaries yourself. Keep the door closed when you are changing, don’t force hugs or kisses on your family members, even your spouse. It’s good for your child to see respectful adult relationships where people understand the meaning of ‘No’.

4. Teach respect and consent

Speaking of ‘No’, children often have trouble saying this word, especially to adults. Since our communities stress the importance of blindly ‘obeying’ everything the elders say, this can be a challenge.

That’s why it’s important to make your child understand from a young age that their bodies belong only to them, and that they can say no if they are not comfortable. This should apply to everyone, so even if Grandma wants a big hug but your child isn’t ready, they should be able to refuse politely.

Talking to kids about abuse should also include ways to get out of such sticky situations. Tell them that they can have alternatives to hugging and kissing, like shaking hands or high-fiving. If they are uncomfortable with an adult and don’t know what to do, they can excuse themselves by saying that they need to use the bathroom.

It is your duty as a parent to stand your ground when it comes to your child’s rights, even if some people may get offended. Most adults understand the need for boundaries, but some may not. In such cases, remember that your child’s needs come first.

5. Clear the air about ‘good touch bad touch’

6. Help in identifying unsafe situations

Even though kids may not feel ‘bad’ when something inappropriate happens, as they get older, their bodies start giving them warning signs that they can catch. Talking to kids about abuse should include teaching them to identify these signs, so they can take action immediately.

Tell kids that when they’re in an unsafe situation, it may feel like their legs have turned to jelly, or there are butterflies in their tummy. Point out other signs, like a pounding heart, tense muscles or sweaty palms. Whenever they experience such signs, they should feel confident enough to move away from that situation right away.

7. Create a trusted network

At the beginning of this post, we talked about how most children are abused by someone they know. This makes it hard to know whom you can trust, which is why it is essential to establish a trusted network and communicate this to your child.

This network could include a teacher, a friend or a family member. Ensure the network has at least 4 people you trust and with whom your child has a good rapport. They should feel comfortable sharing anything with the people in this network, without any feeling of shame or hesitation. Let them know that they can always come to these 4-5 people for any kind of help.

8. Explain why secrets and surprises are different

When talking to kids about abuse, make sure to talk about the difference between secrets and surprises. One trick most abusers use is to make kids promise to keep it a secret. This way the cycle of abuse continues, and the perpetrator never gets caught.

End this cycle by telling your kids that a secret is different from a surprise. For example, when you’re planning a sibling’s birthday and buying gifts, you’re keeping it a surprise, only till the day of the birthday. Secrets often don’t have an end date, and they can also make one feel worried – those are unsafe secrets.

9. Use examples

Talking to kids about abuse works better when you have examples to illustrate your point. Use examples that reflect everyday life and your child’s regular activities. For instance, when they’re waiting for the bus, are at a friend’s house or with a guest at home.

You can create an imaginary situation and ask your child what they would do in that situation. They may be confused initially, but with everything you’ve taught them so far, you’ll be able to get your point across. You can also use their stuffed animals or toys to role-play certain situations, also modelling the appropriate way to deal with them.

11. Know the people in your child’s life

The most important thing you can do as a parent is to be completely involved in your child’s life. Be aware of all the people they meet through the course of a regular day, including neighbours, security guards, bus drivers, teachers, cleaning staff etc.

Talking to kids about abuse is also about talking to them about their day; what did they do? Who did they do it with? Was it fun? How did it feel? Would they want to do it again?

The answers to these questions will give you an idea about how their days are, and you can immediately identify it when something sounds different. When hiring someone who will be in contact with your child, like a babysitter or housekeeper, make sure to do a thorough background check first.

12. Talk about the media

The police from England and Wales reported that there was a 40% increase in child abuse cases where the abuser was under 18. One possible reason behind this sudden surge in violence in children is the kind of media they consume, especially in this age of social media.

Make sure your child is only watching or reading age-appropriate content. If you come across something related to abuse when watching a movie or TV show, use it as an opportunity to talk about it. Ask if they understand what’s happening, whether they think it’s good or bad, and what they would do in such a scenario.

13. Monitor your child’s online presence

Talking to kids about abuse should cover online abuse too. Online child abuse has also increased drastically, especially post-pandemic. Experts are constantly warning parents about limiting their children’s online presence, or digital footprint. Every time you post a picture of your child, you are adding to this footprint, which can have terrible consequences down the road.

When your children are young, you have complete control over their online presence, but this changes as they get older. Even before they get their own devices, talk to them about responsible internet usage, especially when it comes to social media. Use parental controls and safety apps so your children are safe online.

14. Make yourself available

Talking to kids about abuse is all well and good, but this shouldn’t be a one-sided conversation. Always let your kids ask questions and answer them truthfully. Don’t ever let shame enter the equation – it’ll completely derail any honest channel of conversation you’re trying to build.

Spend time with your child every day, even if they don’t have much to say. Just knowing that you are there and ready to listen whenever they want is comforting in itself. At regular intervals, let them know that they can always come to you to talk about anything, and assure them that they’ll not get into trouble at all.

15. Know the warning signs

Despite all the precautions we take, sometimes things happen. And when it does, we should be able to spot the signs. Kids who have had an abusive experience often exhibit physical signs (difficulty walking or urinating, swelling or itching in the genital area) or behavioral signs (dropping grades, nightmares, regressive behavior, shrinking from physical touch).

If you notice any of these or even anything else that has you worried, stay calm and talk to your child. Do not panic or freak out – you’ll only make things worse for your child.

Tips for Talking to Kids about Abuse

• Start as early as you can – child abuse doesn’t have age limits so the earlier you educate your kids, the better
• Begin slowly, with one topic at a time, and then take it forward
• Don’t dump too much information on your child at once, this should be a continuing conversation
• While your child should be aware of the dangers, don’t scare them
• Remind them that these rules apply not just to strangers, but to people they know too, even kids
• Ask your child’s school if they are teaching these topics, so you can adjust accordingly

Books for Talking to Kids about Abuse

Books are a great tool for talking to kids about abuse. Here are some recommendations to try:

At the end of the day, there is only so much we can do to protect our children. Any child is vulnerable to abuse, some more than others. We can do everything in our power to reduce this risk, including talking to kids about abuse, but if something happens, remember that you are not to blame. Tend to your child first, and then alert the authorities. If we work together, we can make the world a much safer place for our kids.

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