What’s Your Best Advice For Raising A Strong-Willed Child?

Ask Scary Mommy is our weekly advice column wherein Scary Mommy editors and guest editors — fellow moms like you — will answer your burning questions. You can send all of your questions and conundrums about parenting, family, and relationships to askscarymommy@bdg.com (don’t worry — we’ll keep you anonymous!).

This week we’re talking about strong-willed kids. You know, the ones that you admire in many ways but also want to fling into the sun on the hardest parenting days. Literally: What are we supposed to do with these infuriating but also admirable stubborn monsters?

Dear Scary Mommy,

I have three kids, and I consider myself a pretty good parent. But one of my children is “strong willed” and I am at the end of my rope. I don’t want to break her strong spirit, but I also am so tired of constantly battling this child! How do you raise a kid when you can’t tell them anything or make them do anything? I feel like she’s forcing me into being an overly permissive parent.

— Mom Of A Spirited Child

Dear Mom Of A Spirited Child,

Well, I can certainly identify with this — I have a strong-willed daughter, too. Like you, I think it’s so important to preserve her awe-inspiring strength and spirit, which will be such a huge asset when she’s older. But at the same time, it’s completely exhausting to be on the receiving end of her firehose of stubbornness. Everything is an argument. Nothing will make her stand down when she really believes in something or wants to do something. She’s like a high-powered lawyer #girlboss super villain trapped inside the body of an 11 year old. And I am tired. And I feel powerless.

I needed some advice on this topic too, obviously, so I asked our Scary Mommy readers for their two cents. And not only did a lot of them deliver, but a lot of them focused on a few really similar strategies and ideas. Here’s what they had to say:

Always let them have a respectful opinion of their own. Never tell them what they think.

Explain why things are being done. Let them ask questions and answer honestly.

Set boundaries and don’t let them cross them!

Remember what it was like to be a kid.

Embrace it. They’ll need the strong-willed personality.

Have a sense of humor and a good support network.

Remember it’s not you. You’re not the reason for this. They were born this way and you are not to blame.

If it’s not going to hurt them or someone else, let them do it.

Encourage them always! Love their difference.

Play-based therapy can really teach you how to set them up for success.

Pick your battles, and let them win some. It will significantly reduce fighting.

Lots of caffeine for the parents and lots of consistency for the kids.

Buckle in for a wild ride.

Repeat this to yourself: “It’s my job to share my calm, not to join their chaos.”

Let them make some decisions.

Do your best to help their harness their energy into positive things like sports or the arts.

Hold your ground and breathe.

Let them be exactly who they are, and guide them on when they should use their strong will.

Hear them out always, but be firm on the things that matter most.

Teach them how to appropriately question authority.

If it’s not harming anyone, let them explore!

Have a lot of wine on hand.

Always remind them of the good they possess.

Validate their feelings when they have big emotions.

Remind yourself that they are a child. They are testing boundaries, not being a bad kid.

Look for ways to say yes.

Love them.

I hope these nuggets of wisdom help you get you to a better place — and help you strike that careful balance between letting your spirited child shine and making sure there are guardrails in place for them, too.

— Scary Mommy

Have a situation that you’re not sure how to resolve? Write Ask Scary Mommy to get answers from real parents who’ve been there.

If it’s not obvious by the end of this article, we are not doctors or lawyers. Please don’t interpret any of the above information as legal or medical advice — go see the professionals for that!