Ask Scary Mommy is our weekly advice column wherein Scary Mommy editors and guest editors — fellow moms like you — will answer your burning questions. You can send all of your questions and conundrums about parenting, family, and relationships to askscarymommy@bdg.com (don’t worry — we’ll keep you anonymous!).
Cooking dinner is one of those things that seems to lag behind other types of household equality. Because many Millennial women learned to cook from their moms or grandparents, and because a lot of Millennial men never learned to cook anything, there’s a knowledge gap in the kitchen that is sometimes hard to manage even if the man in the house is ready and willing to be an equal partner. So, what do you do about it? One reader is dying to know.
Dear Scary Mommy,
How do you get your partner to cook dinner? I want to come home and relax sometimes, too! He just refuses to do it. We both work full-time but I get stuck doing it every night. I don’t get help with the dishes, either.
— Alone In The Kitchen
Dear Alone In The Kitchen,
For generations, American women have traditionally been in charge in the kitchen while their husbands went off to work. But that’s just not how families function anymore. Especially in households where both parents work, meal duties should be split equally, too. Really, even in stay-at-home parent situations, the person who provides three meals a day for the whole family needs a break sometime, too.
But how do you crawl out of gender roles that have been so ingrained in us since birth, especially when men might not have the tools or knowledge that was traditionally passed from mother to daughter?
We think the answer has to be direct communication of the issue and the establishment of a new schedule. After that? You can either help teach your partner to cook, or you can engage in a trial by fire where he gets to sink or swim.
What did our readers think?
Some people, on the nicer side, had some ideas that involve a lot of understanding and a little hand-holding.
Teach him some simple recipes. When we have tacos, burgers, or a frozen meal, my husband knows it’s on him.
Once a week, have him cook the same meal. On Mondays, he does sheet pan nachos.
I put him in charge of specific nights. We ate cereal and ramen for a few weeks but then he got the hang of it.
Praise him a lot and eat it even if it’s disgusting.
Find food that interests him, like specific techniques (smoking, grilling).
Let him cook exactly how he wants and let him own the whole thing.
Fair Play cards helped us distribute the mental load and labor.
Make him fully responsible for one meal a week: Choosing, shopping, cooking, cleaning.
Break your foot and be in a non-weight-bearing cast. Speaking from experience!
Make a schedule. He can buy takeout or cook but those days are all him.
Blue Apron, Home Chef — meal kids that have instructions are relatively easy.
Get him a cook book of things he likes to eat.
Many, many people suggested a cooking strike:
My mom went on a cooking strike as a kid. It worked.
I stopped cooking things he liked. He got in the kitchen.
Don’t get up from the couch ✌️
After a discussion, if he’s still resistant. Stop. Stop doing it for him.
Cook meals for one.
Stop cooking. He’ll step up or starve.
Only make enough for you and the kids.
Don’t feed him. Push the baby bird out of the nest.
Starve husband.
A good number suggested that he just get kitchen cleaning duties:
Why have him cook? He will fail. Make him clean up afterwards.
Have him do clean up after.
You cook, he cleans.
And some just stressed communicating clearly!
Communicate that you need help in that department.
Tell him you have a problem and need help.
Talk to him and tell him exactly what you want and need.
Tell him if he doesn’t cook, he’s the next thing on the menu.
“Help me make dinner, damn it!”
Of course, as always, a few people wanted to fast forward to the divorce:
Find a new husband who understands the mental load!
He’s a dead beat. Get a new one.
Leave him and make your life easier.
Divorce.
Over at Scary Mommy, we think jumping to divorce is a bit rash, but we also think that you shouldn’t have to struggle to get your partner to realize the lack of equality going on here. We agree with the people who recommended very direct communication, followed by the advice in which you can make the transition to shared kitchen responsibilities easier or more fun. If he is resistant at that point… you have a larger relationship problem on your hands that goes beyond putting a pizza in the oven and making a salad.
Also — we love the idea that one person cooks and the other cleans. It’s a straightforward solution that doesn’t require one person to learn to cook. And in some couples, one person greatly prefers to cook and the other greatly prefers to clean. Team work!
— Scary Mommy
Have a situation that you’re not sure how to resolve? Write Ask Scary Mommy to get answers from real parents who’ve been there.
If it’s not obvious by the end of this article, we are not doctors or lawyers. Please don’t interpret any of the above information as legal or medical advice — go see the professionals for that!
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