Why Teens Love To Open Up At Bedtime, According To Therapists

Every time someone asks me what it’s like to raise a tween, I tell them the biggest thing I’m learning is how quickly they revert to toddler-like behaviors. And no, I don’t mean tantrums or big emotional outbursts, but how much tweens and teens — despite what society tells us — want us around them. My 11-year-old daughter comes to me while I cook and leans on me at the kitchen counter like she did as a toddler, asks me to sit with her on the couch like she did as a preschooler, and still loves a book before bed.

But I was not prepared for how much our teens need us at bedtime.

Why do our teens want to talk at bedtime?

More than she did as an elementary schooler, my 6th grader asks me to stay in her bedroom every night. After all the stories and songs (she shares a room with her two little sisters), she will say, “Don’t go” to me as I walk out, and I always turn back around and sit with her. Sometimes she dumps out her entire soul right there in the middle of her Squishmallows, and sometimes she just wants to be silly and goof around.

And according to experts, this makes total sense.

Dr. Kelly Gonderman, licensed clinical psychologist and clinical director at We Conquer Together, has spent nearly a decade working with adolescents in residential treatment and college counseling centers. She calls this the Night Shift — the window between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m “when teens are actually processing their day and trying to make sense of their emotional experiences.”

By nighttime, their defenses are down.

“Their ability to push things away isn’t as strong, so everything they’ve been holding in finally comes up,” says Jeanette Lorandini, LCSW, and founder and director of Suffolk DBT. “During the day, they’re managing school, friendships, expectations, and their own internal experiences. At night, when everything settles down, there’s finally space to feel.”

And maybe more importantly, it feels safer. “It’s quieter, more private, and there’s less pressure, which makes it easier for teens to be vulnerable,” Lorandini says.

OMG, I’m so tired, can’t my teen wait until morning?

Listen, it happens. You’re just drifting off to sleep when your bedroom door opens, and you see your teen standing there. Or maybe you’re headed to bed and notice their lamp still on as they continue to try and unwind — and they want you to come in.

You’re exhausted yourself, but how you show up for your kid in these moments matters.

“The first step is validation,” says Lorandini. “Even if the timing is tough, your teen is choosing to come to you, and that really matters.” She says validation doesn’t have to be complicated, either. It can be as simple as:

• “I’m really glad you told me.”
• “That sounds like a lot.”
• “Of course that upset you.”

You don’t have to try to fix everything. In fact, you probably shouldn’t.

Dr. Liz Nissim, a clinical and school psychologist, agrees. “For our teens who are expressing struggles, ask your teen if he or she would like for you to listen or brainstorm solutions with him/her. Most just need someone to help them navigate their day-to-day interactions and feelings,” she says.

At that hour, they’re not looking for a big reaction. They need you to ground them and just be engaged and attentive.

But it’s also OK to set a limit if it helps both of you. Saying things like, “I really want to hear this, I’m just getting tired. Can we keep talking tomorrow?” can validate your teen’s needs while giving both of you what you need.

“Following up the next day — same time, same place — is also validating for our teens,” Nissim says. “For example, if a teen is worrying about their upcoming math test the next day, a quick text during the morning or day, such as ‘Good luck with your math quiz today. You’re going to rock it!’ lets your teen know that you heard and you’re engaged and thinking about them.”

Gonderman adds that it’s important to remember your teen isn’t just doing this to avoid going to bed — this can be especially true if you find them in their room scrolling on their phones or texting friends after you’ve told them to go to bed.

“Don’t lecture about screen time at midnight,” she says. “Sit on the edge of the bed and ask, ‘What’s keeping you up?’” It validates without immediately problem-solving. Plus, Gonderman points out, the research on adolescent sleep and attachment is unambiguous: “Teens who experience consistent nighttime emotional availability from parents show significantly lower rates of anxiety and depression, regardless of sleep duration.”

How can you encourage your teen to open up?

Whether it’s bedtime, on the way to soccer practice, or at the dinner table, if you want to encourage your teen to talk more, make sure they know you’re a safe place to bring things. They need to know that you’re there to listen and won’t immediately jump into problem-solving mode or try to take over an issue.

Amy Dykstra, a registered psychologist and clinic owner at Bluebird Psychology, says nighttime works because it’s often the first moment teens have all day without distractions.

So replicate some of that with a nighttime walk, settling down on the couch to watch a TV show together, or even just hanging out in their room with them as they wind down and get ready for bed. Letting them know you’re there and available may encourage them to talk more before the late hours fully take over.

No matter what, just listen. Dykstra says that teens are still children who thrive on your comfort. When they’re sleepy, dropping their fight for independence to reach out to you makes so much sense.

“The biggest thing you can do is embrace this time. It’s such a sweet moment in parenting teenagers,” she says. “Let your teen guide the conversation, don’t pressure them into it, and most of the time, just listen. They often aren’t looking for guidance or advice in these moments, just an opportunity to get their thoughts and feelings out there.”

If bedtime happens to be when your teen finally feels safe enough to talk, it’s also when they’re choosing you… and that’s something worth staying up for.