The mental load of motherhood, which refers to the invisible labor involved in managing a household and raising children, is often overlooked despite the burden and stress it puts on women. This includes planning, organizing, and remembering everything to keep family life running smoothly, even down to the emotional work involved in managing family relationships.
Recent research shows that mothers handle 71% of household mental load tasks compared to fathers, who manage just 45%. The imbalance contributes to stress, burnout, and career strain for mothers. Mothers also take on 79% of daily jobs like cleaning and childcare, more than twice as much as dads (37%). Mothers are often left wondering why their partners don’t share duties more equitably and how they got that way.
Nicole Runyon, psychotherapist (LMSW) and author of Free to Fly: The Secret to Fostering Independence in the Next Generation, explains that mothers who are experiencing the mental load without a partner’s help risk feeling alone and tend to build resentment toward their partners. “They feel isolated, and many of them become depressed, burnt out, and exhausted,” she explains. “They experience nervous system imbalance and often can’t sleep.”
She says that with carrying the mental load of the whole family, anxiety can creep in because it feels out of control and chaotic. “I have helped my clients with this using a framework around the family system. I call it an assembly line, with each person doing their part to make the line operate, however it does, functional or dysfunctional. We are only responsible for our individual parts in the assembly line, not our partners. We can only control ourselves, so we must change our part in the system if we want to see any change in our partner.”
Runyon says that mothers who take on the mental load tend to lack boundaries and demand that their partners do their part in helping the family system function. When mothers have boundaries, partners step up. But Runyon explains why men sometimes don’t step on their own.
“A child’s brain doesn’t fully develop until the age of 25. Ninety percent of brain development happens before the age of 6, with the prefrontal cortex being the last part of that development. A young boy’s brain already experiences less volume to the prefrontal cortex and will not fully mature until 25,” she explains. “While boys have strengths in other areas of the brain, they struggle with executive functioning. Thus, they don’t always see what needs to be done and are less likely to experience the mental load as they mature into adult men.”
It doesn’t mean they cannot be taught; according to Runyon, it just means it doesn’t come naturally. “Mothers often struggle to hold their boys accountable and require them to see what needs to be done. It’s important that mothers not shame boys for their differences, instead teaching them how to see things they might not see through their connection and relationship,” she advises.
“Boys are our future men. We want to raise them with integrity and to have care and concern for their families and society. Men for others, men who care for themselves so they can meet the needs of their partners. We must have high expectations of our boys in the family so they can show up in the world,” she says.
Parents spoke to six mothers about how they’re raising their sons to be considerate and to respect and love themselves so they can respect their partners as future men. Here are some ways in which mothers are doing this:
Teaching Manners
Sabrina Yavil, mother of three boys, says that raising boys to be considerate starts with teaching them to pay attention to how their actions impact others, and for her family, that begins with manners.
“Manners aren’t just about politeness—they’re about being mindful, respectful, and making others feel comfortable,” she explains. “I’ve noticed that many kids today aren’t being taught those small but meaningful habits, and I think it’s on us as parents to reinforce them consistently. Saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ making eye contact, acknowledging others, being respectful in other people’s homes, and learning when to speak and when to listen—these are all small ways we teach consideration every day.”
She explains that manners are important because they’re about teaching her boys to be aware of how their actions make others feel. “We explain that being considerate makes people feel respected and comfortable—and it often comes back to benefit them, too.”
“We also have ongoing conversations about thinking beyond themselves—asking how their actions or words might impact someone else. If they’re joking around and someone seems uncomfortable, we ask them, “Did that make someone else laugh, or just you?” It’s a gentle way to help them start noticing other people’s feelings in real time,” she explains.
“At the end of the day, it’s all about repetition and modeling. Kids pick up what they see, so we try to practice the same habits ourselves. It’s not about perfection, but about consistently showing them that being considerate isn’t something you turn on and off—it’s part of who you are,” she highlights.
Sharing Responsibility Through Chores
Alexandra Lashner says that she has a lively and energetic two-and-a-half-year-old son. “Being a boy mom has been an incredible journey, and it’s one I never expected to love as much as I do! He’s active, curious, talkative, and incredibly sweet.”
“From an early age, we’ve been teaching him the importance of being considerate,” she explains. “We lead by example, narrating our actions to help him understand. For instance, when we open doors for others, we make sure to say, ‘Thank you,’ and he eagerly joins in with his adorable, ‘Thank you, thank you very much!’”
She also encourages him to take part in household chores and explains why they do it. “He loves watching us clean and even has his own toy vacuum, which he enthusiastically uses when we sweep the floors. Sometimes, he’ll even ask for his own broom to help out! It’s amazing to see him learning and embracing these little life lessons every day.”
“I hope this will help him develop a greater awareness of others’ needs as he grows, allowing him to be mindful and considerate without needing constant reminders. Toddlers are naturally self-focused, but by consistently modeling and teaching consideration for others and the world around him, I believe he will become more thoughtful, proactive, and willing to take on responsibility in the future,” she explains.
Teaching Gender Equality
Lauren Tetenbaum, a mother of two, says that really passionate about ensuring the next generation includes allies for gender equity–boys must be part of these conversations. “What’s happening online these days with ’misogynist influencers’ – not to mention in real-life politics – is truly alarming. It’s my mission to help all parents teach their kids about equity and how to be allies, including my own son,” she says.
She explains that from a young age, she’s read toddler books about women’s issues, feminism, and allyship, so it’s been a part of her son’s vocabulary since he was a baby. “We talk about everything, including ‘women’s issues’ like periods, pregnancy, and menopause (in age-appropriate, developmentally-appropriate ways). We don’t avoid certain topics just because they affect females more than males.”
“We model gender equality in our own home,” she continues. “Dad does the cooking and the sewing (stereotypically feminine tasks). Mom and Dad are the co-leaders of religious traditions (whereas fathers usually are). We watch women’s sports and are conscious of the media we consume (and point out when it’s male-dominated).”
Practicing Kindness
Corritta Lewis, mother of one, says one of the things she and her wife have engraved in their son is kindness. “We travel the world, and any important part of that is giving back and having compassion,” she explains.
“Since he was a toddler, we’ve involved him in our charitable contributions to different communities around the world. This has led him [to be] considerate of others and [recognize that] the world is bigger than just himself. It’s difficult at times because we are a two-mom family, but we work hard to have good influences in his life. Something that we clarify is being kind doesn’t mean being a pushover. Set your boundaries and speak up for yourself,” Lewis says.
For her, this is important because there is so much hate and anger in the world. “You’d be surprised how a small act of kindness can change someone’s day or their life. We teach him, kindness is an action word and we live it. To us, kindness combats selfishness. It forces you to see beyond yourself and consider others. A prime example of this was when we lived in Mexico. We had just left Burger King (he was 3 at the time and loves French fries), and he saw a man on the street. He asked if he was hungry (in Spanish), and gave the man his fries,” she recalls.
Focusing on Communication
Ledora Brown has a 17-year-old son who is graduating from high school in May and starting college in the fall. She has been divorced from his father since he started middle school, and they co-parent equally. “I have always had conversations with my son that put things into perspective from an adult frame of mind as I prepare him to enter the world as a man, with the hope that this will make him a better leader, friend, brother, and yes, eventual partner/husband,” she says.
“I think it is important for mothers, especially, to train and teach their sons the expectations of what a good partner should be (not treat them like a partner but rather explain scenarios and expectations they may encounter and how to have successful outcomes with their eventual partners),” she explains.
Brown gives an example of how communication plays a part. “My son recently got his first speeding ticket, and it was on my weekend to have him. He didn’t tell me; instead, he called his father, who in turn asked me about splitting it with him a few days later. I was dumbfounded because this was the first I had heard about it. I texted my son later to ask why he hadn’t told me himself, and he said he was afraid of a reaction,” Brown recalls.
“I haven’t responded yet, as I want to have this conversation face-to-face when I see him next,” she continues. “But what I don’t want is for this to become a habit of hiding things from your partner. I can easily see my son growing up and something happening, but he doesn’t tell his partner because he’s afraid of their reaction or disappointment. But the bigger lesson is that secrets become lies that tear down a partnership, and I want to learn that lesson now before he’s out in the world.”
Teaching Self-Love and Emotional Intelligence
Jillian Amodio, mother of a 10-year-old boy, says that she talks to her son often about caring for others while also caring for ourselves. She says she always reminds her kids and her clients that we cannot adequately love others until we first learn to love ourselves. “The way we treat ourselves gives others permission to do the same. The way we treat ourselves can also influence the way we treat others,” she acknowledges.
“Boys, especially, get conflicting messages about emotions. Emotional intelligence and emotional literacy are extremely valuable skills and can greatly enhance quality of life when taught and continuously installed. They also play heavily into building healthy relationships,” Amodio notes.
She explains that part of self-love—and teaching it as a parent—is to learn that our emotions are valid and valuable. She encourages her kids to feel their feelings, to name them, validate them, express them, and honor them. In her opinion, there is no weakness in having emotions; they are what make us human, and vulnerability is a beautiful foundation for healthy relationships with ourselves and others.
