It used to be that when you caught your partner smiling at their phone and quickly tucking it away before you entered the room, you had to worry about another person being the cause — but those were the good old days. Now, it’s just as plausible your partner is texting a robot. Cybersecurity experts warn that we’re all using AI in its beta-testing phase, when bugs are still to be expected, but instead of a software not saving your document, we’re letting bots into our psyches. A bug in a real emotional connection with an unreal partner? That’s just unprecedented. How chatbots fit into your actual human relationship is something experts say couples need to talk about before it feels like an affair has taken shape.
A new survey of over 1,000 American adults found that more than half say they have some kind of relationship with an AI chatbot — think platonic friendship or co-worker-esque. However, 28% of respondents admitted those relationships were romantic or intimate in nature (though this number may actually be higher, since some may not have wanted to share honestly). ChatGPT was the most common platform users found themselves “involved” with, followed by Character.ai, Amazon’s Alexa, Apple’s Siri, and Google’s Gemini.
Why do people start relationships with AI?
This is kind of like trying to answer the question, “Why do people cheat?” But the survey did illuminate some possible motivations:
- Customization: It responds in ways tailored to the user’s preferences, rather than having its own opinions or needs.
- Control: The AI can’t reject you, criticize you, or leave you.
- Safety: It’s easier to be vulnerable when none of the aforementioned risks are involved.
“Human relationships require compromise, discomfort, and repair. AI relationships remove most of that friction. But friction is also where growth happens,” says Dr. Michael Salas, licensed professional counselor and certified sex addiction therapist at Vantage Point Counseling. “If someone is using AI as a substitute because real intimacy feels overwhelming, that’s when it becomes clinically significant.”
Leaning on AI to get your relational needs met can reinforce avoidant patterns, he cautions. Interestingly, the survey found the people most likely to pursue intimate relationships with an AI system were those already in committed, seemingly successful relationships.
“People assume AI romance is just for someone who can’t find a partner,” says Salas. “But what we’re seeing is curiosity and novelty driving this behavior. It’s less about desperation and more about exploration. That tells me this isn’t filling a void. It’s adding a new layer to someone’s relational world. The question becomes whether that layer strengthens intimacy or erodes it.”
Can you emotionally cheat with AI?
The survey also highlighted a generational divide.
Adults 60 and older were less likely to consider intimate chats with an AI bot cheating, while adults aged 18 to 29 were the most likely to say it is cheating and unacceptable. Whether or not something counts as cheating is up to each couple to determine, Salas says, but he says it definitely can be harmful.
“What matters is transparency and agreement. If one partner believes AI sexual chats are harmless and the other feels betrayed, that gap can damage trust just as much as a physical affair,” he explains. “Ten years ago, we were arguing about whether liking someone’s photo was inappropriate. Now we’re debating virtual partners. Technology always moves faster than relationship agreements.”
That’s why it’s important to have a thorough conversation about cheating with your partner, and what feels like betrayal to you. Then your understanding of each other’s boundaries stands a chance of keeping up with whatever the tech world spits out next.
How To Talk To Your Partner About AI & Chatbot Boundaries
This can all make the AI-averse among us feel a little panicky, but don’t lose your cool, Salas says. A proactive conversation about the role of AI in you and your partner’s life is all it takes to make you both feel comfortable and safe.
“The worst thing couples can do is ignore it,” Salas says. “Technology is not going backward. If you don’t define your boundaries, the culture will define them for you.”
He suggests you sit down and ask each other the following:
- What do we consider emotional or sexual exclusivity?
- Are sexual chats with AI different from pornography?
- Would we disclose AI intimacy to each other?
- Is this enhancing or distancing our connection?
These questions will help you get to the root of what you both consider cheating and how different forms of media might feel distinct from one another. Maybe you use porn in your sex life in a way that helps you connect, but decide that intimacy with an AI is taking away from each other emotionally. Getting the nuances out in the open helps ensure you’re on the same page and growing together.
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