What To Say When Someone Comments On Your Parenting, According To Experts

Every parent has been there before, standing on the receiving end of some unsolicited parenting advice or a passive-aggressive comment from some old woman in the grocery store about why your baby should be wearing socks. Most of the time we can take it in stride, but every so often, someone will say something about your parenting choices that just requires a response. Here’s what to say when someone comments on your parenting, according to experts.

For starters, remember that there’s a difference between your friend sharing what worked for her in the hopes it might help you and her making a catty remark that implies you’re to blame.

“Good intentions usually come with a soft tone and no audience. Someone who genuinely wants to help doesn’t need other people watching. Well-meaning people also tend to share something from their own experience instead of just pointing out what you’re doing wrong,” says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind.

If the comment makes you feel small or embarrassed rather than supported, that’s usually a sign it wasn’t made with good intentions, Hafeez says. Still, try to remember that most people in your life aren’t trying to poke at you — they may just be putting their foot in their mouth while attempting to be helpful.

“In my experience, most unwelcome comments from others are not designed to hurt parents,” says Bahar Rinsler, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “People can be misguided in believing that they are being helpful, even when they are clearly not. My advice to parents is to assume it is coming from a genuine desire to help, unless it is from someone you have a history with, like a ‘frenemy.’”

What To Say When Someone Comments On Your Parenting

Since unsolicited parenting advice usually comes from a place of wanting to help, you probably don’t want to come out guns blazing and completely shut this person down. That said, if you’re tired of your mother-in-law remarking on the fact that your kid shouldn’t be drinking soda or playing on their tablet, it’s helpful to have some canned responses in mind.

Here’s what Rinsler, Hafeez, and Melissa Paul, LCSW, founder of MLP Therapy Group in New York, recommend saying:

• “Thanks, we’re happy with how things are going!”
• “That’s one way to look at it.”
• “We’ve got it covered, but I appreciate it.”
• “We’re figuring it out as we go, just like everyone else.”
• “We feel really good about our decision, but thanks.”
• “I appreciate your concern.”
• “I’ll keep that in mind.”
• “Thanks, but I’m not able to have a conversation about that right now.”
• “That’s good food for thought.”
• “That’s an interesting perspective on what’s happening here.”
• “Oh, I’ll look into that.”
• “Thanks! We are OK the way we are.”
• “I’d appreciate you not making comments in front of [child’s name].”
• “Different families do different things.”
• “We’ve got this.”

Once you’ve deployed one of these phrases, what next? How do you shift the focus away from your parenting choices?

“The easiest way to move on is to change the subject. Ask them something about their own life and let the moment pass. If the person genuinely meant well, a simple redirect won’t hurt anything and everyone moves on without awkwardness. Sometimes, just letting there be a little silence after your response is enough because you don’t owe anyone a debate about your parenting choices,” Hafeez says.

“Change the topic, focus on something else, and move on,” Paul agrees. “You are not looking to have a conversation around your parenting, so don’t let it happen. Focus on whose feedback you value and move on.”

The subject change is helpful if you want to maintain a good relationship with the other party — it spares them a sense of rejection, Rinsler says, and decreases the awkwardness for everyone. If the same snide comments keep coming from the same person, it’s time to have a direct conversation about how they make you feel, Hafeez adds. But in most cases, a short and sweet response with a subject change will put the issue to bed.