A Neuroscience Expert Says That “Tween Girl Drama” Is Actually Their Brain On Overload

Tween girls get such a bad rap, but they truly do not deserve it. Not only are they up against some of the worst times in U.S. history (social media doom scrolling, ‘00s vibes body culture, red-pilling of young men, etc.), their brains are quite literally short-circuiting trying to figure out how to grow and learn and be a human. So, attempting to go through puberty while the world is crashing down is no walk in the park.

One parenting pro with a PhD in Educational Neuroscience says that all that “normal tween girl drama” that society brushes off as just girls being girls is actually their brain on total overload. In a recent TikTok, Dr. Chelsey Hauge Zavaleta shared five signals that your tween girl’s brain is stuck in chronic disregulation.

“Most parents do not realize that between the ages of 8 and 12, your daughter’s brain is rewiring itself while her confidence forms. When her nervous system is stuck in a constant state of overwhelming, she will be unable to cooperate, not that she won’t, not that she’s being bratty, refusing, defiant, rude, she cannot cooperate. Her nervous system is too overwhelmed, and your task is to help her bring it down,” she begins.

“Now, everyone’s gonna have these behaviors with their tweens sometimes, but if it is constant, persistent, and all the time, the chances that your kids’ nervous system is stuck in a state of perpetual overwhelm is quite high.”

1. She can’t do basic routines that she has always done before.

Dr. Hauge Zavaleta says that you might be so confused because you know that your daughter knows the morning schedule, but suddenly, she needs a million reminders to do basic tasks before getting out the door.

“This isn’t defiance. She’s too dysregulated to access her thinking brain,” she explained.

2. She makes nasty comments during family time.

Ever wonder why your tween daughter has a certain tone that just comes out of nowhere? Dr. Hauge Zavaleta says that all comes from insecurity.

“She’s sitting there in your family, feeling judged and alone. The attention feels overwhelming when her nervous system is already maxed out,” she explains.

3. She doesn’t care about stuff she used to care about.

It might seem like she doesn’t care about things, but she actually cares so much that it overwhlems her.

She explains, “Maybe she throws her backpack down, but she just doesn’t care. She cares so much, it hurts, but caring feels dangerous right now. Disconnection is protection when everything feels too intense.”

4. She is constantly picking fights with her siblings.

Dr. Hauge Zavaleta says that this tactic is the oldest trick in the book. She probably did it when she was a toddler, too. Negative attention is still attention, and when tween girls are looking for connection, they will do it through an argument with their siblings.

“She’s looking for connection, but she only knows how to get attention through conflict. Her nervous system is seeking regulation through the friction created by drama,” she said.

5. She cries over “nothing.”

“Spilled milk becomes a huge meltdown. When your system is already flooded, the smallest thing is gonna tip you right over. Those tears aren’t about the milk, they’re about everything else,” she explains.

“The truth is, these are not behavior problems to be fixed with consequences. They’re regulation problems that need your co-regulation. Your daughter’s brain is getting ready for massive changes.”

Dr. Hauge Zavaleta notes that, at this age, our kids’ nervous systems are still hardwired to our nervous systems.

“When you stay calm and grounded, she can access that state as well. When you are also dysregulated because parenting a dysregulated tween is hard, you’re both stuck in survival mode,” she explains.