What’s your love language? Yes, I know the premise of “love languages” is a bit problematic, but they are also somewhat useful in some circumstances. Mine, for example, is “words of affirmation.” Ya girl has rarely met a compliment she didn’t want to give or receive, but even I know there’s a difference between being complimentary and being obsequious or even downright weird. One anonymous Redditor recently came across such an example recently, and took the to site’s popular “Am I The Assh*le” subreddit for a vibe-check…
“AITA for asking my friend to stop “complimenting” my postpartum body?” she asks.
“I (31f) gave birth earlier this year. A few people have given me compliments, not sure how genuine. But I have a friend (29f) who is very blunt with her “compliments.” She called my butt big. She said my stretch marks look “awesome.” She said she bet men look at me more … She [has] called parts of me “juicy.” I understand trying to make the new mommy still feel pretty but I felt uncomfortable. I [asked] my friend to stop complimenting my postpartum body. She looked sad and she told me she was just trying to help. She called me ungrateful and insecure. Am I the asshole ?”
There’s so much to unpack here, so let’s jump right in…
As a certified fawner, I can understand the instincts of the friend. You want to shower someone with compliments especially when they might be feeling vulnerable or less-than-glamorous. And for all I know based on this post, the compliments were 100% well-intentioned and genuine.
But.
It’s weird when you start to fixate on just one aspect of a person. This is especially true if that one aspect is their appearance, but it’s true in most instances. For example, did you ever have that one aunt or grandparent who didn’t know all that much about you and so they latched on to the one thing they knew in order to make you feel loved and build your bond. Like, they knew you liked dinosaurs or something and so from the ages of 3 to 13 they kept buying you books on paleontology and Jurassic Park action figures? And, like, sure, you like dinosaurs, but there’s more to you than that!
Again: well-intentioned but ultimately a bit awkward. Throw in the added weird factor of getting seemingly obsessed with another person’s appearance and it can cross the threshold to insulting, even when it’s meant well. Compliments are nice but no one wants another person fixated on their body, especially in a sensitive time like the postpartum period.
“NTA [Not The Assh*le],” one commenter says. “She needs to learn to compliment people without needlessly emphasizing sexiness. She may have been well intended but the delivery is so off the mark, and getting defensive puts her into AH [assh*le] territory.”
“If the receiver of the compliment says they are uncomfortable telling them they are ungrateful is super disrespectful,” says another bluntly. “Yes sometimes we don’t think we are hurting someone so it can come as a shock but she’s being a jerk [about] it.”
“NTA: Lots of people would prefer others don’t make comments on their body, and that includes compliments,” a third agrees. “You told your friend you’d prefer she not do it and she’s attacking you for not accepting her unsolicited feedback. It doesn’t matter if they’re ‘compliments’ to her. They’re unwanted comments on your body and she needs to chill.”
So what have we learned today, folks? Compliments are nice, but let’s not go overboard or fixate on them. Be kind and try to see people for the well-rounded humans they are on the inside, regardless of their body shape.
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