Are All Feelings Actually Valid? This Mom Says No

Kids have big feelings. That’s kind of their thing. Big, messy, chaotic feelings that can change in the blink of an eye. As parents, we sign on for that, and in the past decade or two, we’ve come to radically accept that fact. “All feelings are valid” has become a kind of mantra and motto for gentle parenting… but should it be?

TikTok creator @baimcpher shared a parenting hot take that got discussion going in the comments… and got me thinking…

“I don’t believe all feelings are valid.”

“They’re not. Our feelings lie to us. Sometimes a whiny 4 year old does need to be told to stop whining. I am not going to coddle her when she’s whining and very much being a brat, because sometimes they do be doing that. I’m not going to coddle that and sit there and give you spiel about how it’s OK to have feelings… sometimes you do need to be told to stop. Sue me!”

And I know the point of posts like this is to ruffle some feathers, but I was surprised by the immediacy and duality of my reaction. Because on the one hand…

This idea intentionally misunderstands the mantra

The common follow up to “all feelings are valid” is “…but all actions are not.” In other words, “I’m not going to tell you how you feel. You feel however you want. But you need to channel that in a way that isn’t screaming, pitching a fit, or whining.” It’s a way to acknowledge your child’s reaction. Whether or not you think the feeling is valid, they’re having the feeling. It’s better to deal with what’s happening than, essentially, say “You shouldn’t be having that feeling so knock it off.”

For example: I didn’t think my youngest child pouting at me because our plane wasn’t landing fast enough was terribly reasonable, but they were having the feeling whether it made sense or not and, what do you know! Acknowledging their frustration helped soothe it.

On the other hand: no duh, children are weirdos

Look, kids have big feelings… and to us adults, with fully developed frontal cortexes, we know not all of those big feelings are valid. When my oldest was a toddler he had a meltdown because I wouldn’t “let him” climb into his dollhouse. A dollhouse a Barbie wouldn’t have been able to fit in, by the way. I tried to tell him “Sweetheart, it would be so fun to go in the doll house, but you’re too big.”

And, look, he was having the feeling and all, but finding validity in that feeling — at least in my adult brain — didn’t make sense.

Commenters had a variety of thoughts

From vehemently disagreeing with this take to loudly applauding, there was a lot of nuance in-between.

“I saw ‘You’re allowed to be upset but we’re not whining. There’s better ways to communicate,’” shared one.

“They don’t need a therapy session every second,” says another. “Sometimes it’s deep but sometimes it ain’t.”

“I’m sick of hearing the term ‘big feelings’ and that being the justification for horrendous behavior,” complains a third.

“Whining is a behavior, not a feeling,” clarifies another.

“I know some adults who need to hear this,” observes one wry commenter.

TL;DR — Kids are weird and feelings are complicated

I think there’s a nuance here that acknowledges both the need to honor kids’ feelings and guide them to less nonsensical feelings in the long-run. So, sure, OK: I can see where you’re coming from when you say not all feelings are valid, but if we don’t take our kid’s absurd feelings seriously and teach them how to cope then they’re going to go through the rest of their lives with these chaotic, unhinged feelings and nowhere to stow them away.