Are You Setting Boundaries, Or Just Withdrawing Because You’re Overwhelmed?

Boundaries can be a lot of things for a lot of people. They can be hard lines drawn in the sand (do not cross!) for toxic family members. They can be fluid, ever-changing parameters to keep a relationship in the safe space you’ve dedicated to it. And sometimes they can be a temporary way to keep your own sanity — even something small like “do not come in the bathroom with mommy” counts as a boundary.

But making boundaries can be hard, and sticking to them can be even tougher. Maybe you’re on the fence about a boundary — surely you can handle your mother-in-law on one beach vacation, right? And maybe you’re worried that a boundary isn’t what you need. Could you just need a break? How are you supposed to be able to tell? Ultimately, it’s all part of a bigger question: Are you setting boundaries because you need them, or are you just withdrawing because you’re overwhelmed?

I’ve heard the word boundary in reference to everything from an abusive relationship to dealing with PTA emails from a school — so there’s quite the variety there. And some experts say that’s why it can be so confusing to figure out what you really need.

Alyssa Kushner, LCSW, licensed therapist and owner of her practice AK Psychotherapy in NYC, tells Scary Mommy that boundaries are a huge theme in her work — and often, the theme is helping clients figure out what’s a true boundary and what might instead be emotional burnout, fear, or a nervous system response. “I agree that in today’s culture, boundaries are sometimes used as avoidance, when what’s really needed is connection or regulation,” she says. “Boundaries are necessary, but the term is often used as a blanket statement, rigid, or a shutdown — ‘That’s my boundary’ — without deeper communication or reflection. A boundary isn’t supposed to be a rigid wall or an excuse to cut people out left and right and bail on plans last second. Ideally, they open up space for clarity, connection, or emotional safety — not just avoidance.”

So, when you want to call a “boundary,” perhaps what you are really feeling is discomfort, resentment, or fear that you haven’t yet dealt with. Kushner says a true boundary is a “clear limit you set to protect your emotional, physical, or mental well-being.” It’s meant to help you define what you will and will not tolerate, not to punish others. It’s something you set for yourself, and its intention should be to honor your needs, values, and capacity, she says.

That’s why keeping boundaries flexible and nuanced is so vital — and this reminder can help you determine if a boundary is what you need, or if you just need to address an emotion. “You don’t always need to go no-contact or draw a hard line,” Kushner says.

She suggests that many of her clients, especially those healing from relational trauma or recovering from being a people-pleaser, have to tune into their own needs in real-time. “A fluid boundary might look like, ‘I can come to this event, but I need to leave early,’ or ‘I’m not ready to talk right now, but I care and want to come back to this conversation.’ And they can change according to the relationship and person. You may need tighter boundaries with one, and less or none with another.”

Your boundaries can also shift over time. Maybe you needed a hard line with a pushy parent at one point, but now you feel differently. It doesn’t mean the boundary wasn’t necessary or that you jumped the shark on placing one; Kushner says as we change and grow, so do our relationships, so it’s never too late to reset — or reinforce — boundaries.

Above all, before you make a big boundary statement, Kushner suggests slowing down and checking in with your nervous system. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, overstimulated, in fight-or-flight mode, or something similar, you might just need to get regulated and rethink the situation.

This check-in can be super important for moms. Kushner says it’s totally normal — and healthy! — to establish boundaries with your children. It’s not about control but about modeling self-respect, emotional regulation, and mutual honesty, she says. “When children grow up around healthy boundaries, they learn how to set and honor their own. When children don’t have healthy boundaries modeled or grow up in enmeshed family systems with no boundaries, they often find codependent relationships, struggle with low self-esteem, and have challenges in relationships.”

So, don’t feel guilty about telling your kids you need 10 minutes of calm or a moment alone upstairs before you can continue with the day. You’re not telling your kids they can never play trucks with you again; you’re just telling them you need a break and a breather.

Just remember, boundaries are important — but they aren’t the only way to create space for yourself to heal. “They’re not a substitute for vulnerability or communication,” Kushner says. “In some cases, people use boundaries as a wall and avoidance because they haven’t felt safe expressing themselves honestly. The best relationships, both personal and professional, thrive when boundaries and communication are at the core.”

She says when you speak up about how you feel assertively — not aggressively or passively — it’s an act of self-respect, self-love, and care for the other person. “When you use ‘boundary’ speak as a way to ignore the problem and cut people out, you ultimately harm the relationship. Avoidance of this only creates further issues. If it’s someone you love and care about, being honest is needed.”

But don’t underestimate your gut instinct. “If someone repeatedly makes you feel uncomfortable, leaves you feeling emotionally unsafe, resentful, annoyed, or disrespects your needs, then yes, it may be time for a clear boundary,” Kushner says. “The goal isn’t punishment — it’s protection and clarity.”