Ask Scary Mommy is our weekly advice column wherein Scary Mommy editors and guest editors — fellow moms like you — will answer your burning questions. You can send all of your questions and conundrums about parenting, family, and relationships to [email protected] (don’t worry — we’ll keep you anonymous!).
Neha Ruch is redefining what it is to take a break from your career to focus on your family. After taking her own career pause after becoming a mom, Ruch has become a thought leader in the field, helping hundreds of thousands of parents with the transition away from and then back to traditional work after having kids.
In other words, she’s just about the best person you could ask about all things related to kids, career, staying home, and everything in between. She joined Ask Scary Mommy this week to share her in-depth advice on parenting, work, and the universe between them.
Head here to read the full Q&A on Threads.
Question: My husband and I both work full-time, but I work from home. Because of this, I think the kids default to me for the big, emotional stuff — even though he’s a very present, hands-on dad who is open to listening and being there for them. He actively tries to help steer things so that I’m not the default parent, or so that it’s as balanced as possible, but in this way, it’s just tough. Any tips for reframing this dynamic or encouraging the kids to open up to him more?
Neha Ruch: You are not alone in this dynamic and sometimes the flexibility of wfh or part-time roles are both a blessing and a burden in that way. I never aim for 50/50 in our dynamic but one that feels fair and equitable. I do think different situations with our kids (age/gender/issue) has brought my husband into more of the emotional labor in new ways. Even if my kids tell me the issue, I will debrief with my husband so at least I have a partner in the thinking around it.
I might suggest to my kids having a follow up conversation with their dad to get a different perspective (depending on their age), or if they’re younger, talking about the issue all together to show that their dad is equally open and able.
What would you suggest for a mom that’s feeling totally burnt out at work but also at home? I’m spread too thin and feel overwhelmed!
I have a lot to say on this one and I think part of it is this ideal composite image of the ideal mother that we see when we scroll our feed and we see an image of a mother with a perfect home and another one doing art projects and another one with a thriving business and we put it all together and think everything’s possible and the reality is everyone is letting go of things behind the scenes. And I think you should decide every season what you’re going to focus on and what you’re going to let go of.
I work from home and struggle to delineate between work hours and “off” hours, both with being reachable but having that take time away from family time. Any tips to help me better separate the two while doing it all under one roof?
In my experience and that of women in our community, honest expectations of yourself and block scheduling based on the reality of the literal season (ie fall back to school or winter holidays etc) help. Many women in the community will block schedule their mornings for deep work or meeting time when quiet time feels more predictable, and shift into less mentally taxing/admin work for the time that can more easily be disrupted.
I would add that just because we work flexibly doesn’t mean we can do all the things and that is an easy trap to fall into. Thinking through what in the household you may need to outsource or delegate (or take off the worry buffet) is still as important to preserve your work time and offer you some well deserved time. I do actually think finding some ritual, whether it’s a quick walk or a coffee to start the “work day”, and a quick ritual at the end helps create some mental boundary around it.
What’s your best advice for someone who not only took a career pause but also wants to change their career path/industry after staying at home for a few years?
Pivots are common after pauses because the time spent raising kids can expose new interests and ideas. As you consider your next step, try and find non traditional ways to explore this new industry — helping a friend on their business, volunteering in the school in a similar domain, listening to podcasts/taking an online class — these help build non traditional experience that can still be packaged as an additive layer of your career portfolio.
I’m really lucky to work somewhere flexible and understanding. If my kid is home sick and visible in a meeting, everyone just says hi! What’s your advice to moms who are job hunting, who know they want to work somewhere with this sort of culture but aren’t sure how to suss that out in a few interviews?
Hi!! The number one criteria women returning to the workforce cite is flexibility— deciding what that means to you is important (ie is it remote, or flexible hours or an understanding environment). Once you know that, while you’re interviewing, ask to speak with other employees (ideally individuals in a similar situation) to get the real deal. We put together a guide on how to find work that’s actually flex.
For more great parenting advice, follow @neha_ruch on Threads.
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If it’s not obvious by the end of this article, we are not doctors or lawyers. Please don’t interpret any of the above information as legal or medical advice — go see the professionals for that!
