When I was a kid, I thought my mom was tall. Really tall. And while she was slightly above average, at her tallest she only really topped out at 5’6.” Turns out she wasn’t particularly towering: I was just a child. It’s the same way you’re so amazed when you go back to your elementary school. Was it always so tiny? It felt so much more expansive when you were 7. Recently, TikTok creator and parenting coach Gabriel aka The Indomitable Black Man gave parents a reminder about how our height might be affecting our parenting without us even realizing it.
“Hey, quick perspective shift,” he begins. “The average height of a 7 year old is about four feet tall. The average height of an adult male is about 5’9”. I’m 6’9” so…”
He pans the camera down so that it’s looking up at his towering frame.
“Right now, when I look down at you, you’re about the size your kid is when you walk up on them. Now imagine if I walk up on you angrily. Your brain isn’t going to think ‘Am I in trouble?’ it’s going to think ‘Am I safe?’ That’s exactly what happens in your child’s brain. Talking back, freezing, cowering: it’s not guilt, it’s not defiance, it’s defense mode. Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. And the louder and closer and scarier we get, the more their survival brain is going to take over.
“So instead, get down on their level,” he says, demonstrating. “Hold a boundary with them without becoming a threat. Co-regulate with them. Invite them to solve the problem with you, then practice the better choice together.”
Commenters related to this advice, both as parents and former children…
“My dad was 6’4” and he knew that his height was intimidating,” recalls one. “He would intentionally use it against us.”
“I have scared my kids when I have been angry and upset,” admits another. “I have worked hard to change this.”
But many more — perhaps even most — expressed how well this approach has worked for them, either in getting through to their kids or just undoing learned behaviors. One even shared how they have seen positive results in their own children as it’s allowed them to lead by example.
“I learned this from you, practiced it with my oldest, and then when my middle was scared of going to the dentist, my oldest got on her level and told her about her experience,” they shared. “From the bottom of my heart: thank you.”
No one is a perfect parent, and no one is going to undo generations of past trauma in raising one child. But little things can make a big difference and can help us in our efforts to become more perfect over time.
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