Parenting is not for the faint of heart. Add on trying to heal wounds from your own childhood while being a kind, gentle, patient, non-reactive parent to your kid, and it can feel… even more overwhelming. Buzzwords like “gentle parenting” and “reparenting” fly around the internet, centered around the idea that we’re trying to do things differently and maybe fill some of the gaps we experienced as children. But, honestly, sometimes the overlap between healing and parenting feels like waiting for a bruise to get better while being punched in it over and over again.
If that sounds a little too familiar to you, keep reading for tips from experts on healing your inner child while raising kids… and why the two coexisting is so crucial.
Just Out Here Trying to Break the Cycle
Millennials often joke about how happy we are that social media wasn’t so omnipresent when we were younger, because we feel like we got to figure things out and make mistakes without so much scrutiny and judgment. Parenting, especially, feels like a space where social media has amplified certain ideals and pressures.
One thing that seems clear: There’s been a generational shift from more authoritarian or emotionally distant parenting to more nurturing, emotionally attuned models. Your FYP is probably inundated with videos about conscious parenting (looking inward and being mindful of who you are as a parent) and gentle parenting (parenting through validation and soft boundaries), and it’s nice to learn about these approaches.
But hearing about them can also make you feel like a failure if your version of parenting is admittedly a little messier.
When Your Kid’s Meltdown Triggers Yours
Nothing will shine a light on unresolved trauma faster than trying to parent through a moment that triggers you. “Parenting brings your own unfinished work to the surface — often when you least expect it,” shares Viviana McGovern, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the CEO of Full Vida Therapy.
In fact, part of what makes parenting so hard when you still have healing to do is that triggers often manifest in mundane moments. “A lot of parents I work with are surprised by how reactive they become in moments that seem minor on the surface,” says McGovern. “But when your child’s behavior mirrors something you were shamed or punished for, it hits a much deeper nerve. Suddenly, you’re not just parenting: You’re being pulled into an old emotional script you didn’t choose but still carry.”
Licensed clinical social worker Nick Borges, the clinical director and COO at Heartwood Recovery, agrees that unresolved childhood hurt has a way of seeping into parenting.
“You might find yourself screaming at your kid over something inconsequential because it strikes a nerve you had no idea was even raw. That’s your inner child screaming louder than you’d like,” he explains, adding, “Parenting forces you to deal with parts of yourself that you’ve been hoping to escape. It hurts, but it’s also an opportunity. When your toddler tantrums, it can trigger memories of the feelings of powerlessness you had as a child. Those moments are not only about them — they’re also about you.”
The Horcruxes of Healing
As a conscious parenting coach and Family Constellation practitioner, Blanka Molnar helps parents heal multigenerational trauma so that they don’t pass their “baggage” onto their children. She says these seemingly mundane moments that can trigger your trauma are part of a bigger picture in parenting: the moment you realize “you’re not just raising a child but also facing the parts of yourself that never got the chance to grow up.”
“Your inner child is that version of you who felt scared, unheard, unseen, rejected, or misunderstood,” she tells Scary Mommy. “Maybe it was something big like an accident, a loss, or emotional neglect. Perhaps it was something subtle, like being left too long at a daycare, or being told to toughen up when you really wanted to cry or needed a hug. Either way, these moments left an imprint. They created a split, a fracture in your emotional world.”
To help modern parents understand what that looks or feels like in practice, Molnar likes to borrow a metaphor from the Harry Potter universe.
“Remember how Voldemort split his soul into seven pieces, called horcruxes, each hidden and scattered, yet still influencing his actions? That’s what unhealed childhood wounds can be like,” she explains. “Fragments of ourselves get stuck in time, quietly running the show from the shadows, creating patterns in our parenting that operate based on a ‘broken program.’”
Snapping Happens
One of my favorite things to remind my kids is that when we know better, we do better. Unfortunately, emotional healing doesn’t always work out that neatly. “You can know better and still struggle to do better — especially when you’re exhausted, overstimulated, or triggered,” McGovern says, continuing, “That’s the hardest part. You’re trying to be present, attuned, and patient while also carrying unresolved grief or unmet needs of your own.”
But there’s something you need to realize, she says: “That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re doing the work, even if it feels messy.”
So, first, give yourself some grace. “Parents put pressure on themselves to get it right all the time, especially when they’ve done the work of learning new skills or healing past trauma,” she says. “But being aware doesn’t erase emotional reactivity. Real growth often shows up in the moments after — when you pause, reflect, repair, and try again.”
Molnar stresses the importance of continuing to show up (for yourself and for your child) and of giving yourself credit for what you’re really doing.
“It takes courage, patience, grace, and a lot of self-awareness, but you can begin to break the cycle. You can choose to see your triggers not as failures, but as invitations to heal,” she says, “and that healing begins with a simple, powerful first step: acknowledgement.”
A Trauma-Informed To-Do List
OK, so where do we go from here? Fortunately, all of the experts agree that there are some actionable steps you can take every day to help heal your inner child as a parent:
Carve out space for reflection.
“Not for perfection,” says McGovern, but for “noticing what’s coming up for you.” Borges emphasizes that it doesn’t even need to be a lot of time. “You do not need hours,” he says. “You only need little moments for yourself. Even five minutes of silent sitting, deep breathing, or journal writing will make you feel so much better.”
One way to make this a habit, Molnar offers, is to listen to your inner child’s voice. “Even if you have five minutes a day, check in with yourself. Ask the simple question: How am I feeling right now?” Expect missteps.
Healing isn’t about perfection, the experts underscore, with Molnar likening it to a sprint, not a marathon. “It’s about noticing, softening, and choosing differently. Over and over again,” she says.
Borges wants parents to understand that each step forward (“no matter how small”) matters. “Maybe today you caught yourself before you screamed, rather than after. Maybe you apologized after blowing your top. Those are wins,” he says. “Healing your inner child is learning to cradle it in a new way so that it doesn’t burden your family.”
Make play part of your healing.
And don’t be afraid to be silly, says Borges. “Playing with your kids connects you with the part of you that never got to be carefree. You’re also rewiring your brain to heal old wounds. It’s therapy in disguise.”
Don’t dismiss the pain.
For many of us, a response to trauma during childhood is to brush off our own pain or needs. But we should extend to ourselves the same care we extend to our kids. Explains Molnar, “When your child is hurting, you don’t tell them to go figure it out on their own, but you hold them. You listen. So offer yourself the same compassion as you do to your kids.”
This also means recognizing your triggers instead of ignoring or burying them.
“That intense emotional reaction often isn’t about what’s happening now. It’s about something old that happened when you were a child. When you start to notice what sets you off, you begin to reclaim your power. Name it to tame it,” says Molnar.
Healing > Any Trend
We’re lucky enough to live in the digital age, where information is always at our fingertips. However, it’s a double-edged sword — the overload of information and opinions can make “healing” feel like another trend we’re failing at.
The truth is, healing your inner child while parenting actual kids is really f*cking hard. You’re always going to be walking the tightrope between self-awareness and self-overload, feeling the tension between the inner work and the outer work.
Right at the heart of the matter is the fact that it’s tough to parent differently when you’re still unlearning what you were taught. That’s why experts stress that healing doesn’t have to be perfect to be meaningful. “Prioritize repair over performance. Give yourself permission to be a work in progress,” encourages McGovern. “Your kids don’t need perfect; they need real.”
And healing your inner child is a big part of raising emotionally healthy kids.
“Healing your inner child while raising an actual one is a process,” Borges elaborates. “It gets messy, frustrating, and there are times you may feel like you’re ruining yourself and your child. But you can’t pour from an empty cup. Healing is a survival for you and your child.”
So, you might not get it perfect. Actually, that’s a guarantee: You will not get it perfect. But if you’re trying, you’re already breaking the cycle.
