How To Deal With Sibling Rivalry & Conflict — Talkspace

If your kids go from laughing together to yelling over who gets the blue cup, you’re not alone. Sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up, but when the conflicts become constant, the daily family drama is exhausting for everyone involved.

Sibling relationships are some of the longest and most influential ones in our lives. They shape how kids learn to communicate, handle emotions, and resolve conflict. In fact, research shows that ongoing rivalry and unresolved conflict can impact a child’s mental, physical, and emotional development over time.

The good news? With a little guidance, you can help your kids work through their disagreements in healthy, respectful ways. In this article, we’ll explore simple, effective strategies to reduce sibling conflict and turn everyday arguments and sibling rivalry into opportunities for growth, connection, and stronger family bonds.

Understanding the Root Causes of Sibling Rivalry

Sibling arguments may seem like they’re about small things, like who got the bigger slice of cake or whose turn it is with a toy, but the real reasons often stem from underlying issues. Getting to the root of sibling conflict can help you respond with empathy and prevent small squabbles from getting out of control.

• Competition for parental attention: Kids naturally crave your time and affection. When one child feels like their sibling gets more attention or praise, even unintentionally, it can spark jealousy and resentment. This competition often fuels rivalry, especially if a child feels they’re being treated unfairly.
• Personality differences and interests: Some siblings click, while others clash. Differences in temperament, interests, or energy levels can lead to misunderstandings and irritations that turn into frequent arguments.
• Major life changes: Big transitions, like a new baby, divorce, remarriage, or moving, can shake up family dynamics. Children might feel insecure or displaced, and those feelings can show up as rivalry or conflict with their siblings.
• Perceived favoritism: Even subtle signs of favoritism, like praising one child more often or assigning blame unevenly, can trigger tension. When one child feels less seen or valued, it may cause them to act out toward their sibling.
• Developmental and emotional differences: As children grow, differing developmental stages and emotional maturity can influence how siblings interact with each other. Younger kids may lack the skills to manage their emotions, leading to more outbursts. Older siblings might express rivalry through teasing or excluding their sibling. In teenagers, sibling conflict can become more common as teens seek more independence while still having to share space and resources with their older or younger siblings.

How To Address Sibling Conflict Effectively

Addressing sibling conflict effectively requires a calm, measured approach that focuses on understanding each child’s perspective. Guiding children through constructive communication and conflict resolution strategies allows you to foster empathy and teach valuable problem-solving skills.

Set clear family rules and expectations

Establishing clear, consistent family rules helps create a predictable environment where everyone understands what’s expected. When kids know the rules—like speaking respectfully, keeping their hands to themselves, and taking turns—they’re less likely to let small disagreements escalate into bigger fights.

Posting the rules somewhere visible, like the fridge, can serve as a helpful reminder for everyone. Most importantly, be consistent in enforcing them. When kids know the consequences for breaking the rules and the rewards for following them, they’re more likely to cooperate and avoid fighting with their brothers and sisters.

Avoid taking sides during arguments

Taking sides during an argument can make one child feel like the bad guy and fuel resentment and sibling rivalry. Instead, parents and caregivers can take a more neutral approach by asking each child questions, like “Can you tell me what happened?” and “What can we do to make this better?” Remaining neutral can avoid any perceived favoritism that may make sibling fighting worse. 

These questions can help children explain their feelings, listen to each other, and come up with their own solutions. This approach also shifts the goal of resolving a disagreement away from finding out who was right and wrong and toward learning how to handle conflicts in a fair and respectful way. 

Encourage open and honest communication

One of the most powerful tools for resolving sibling conflict is teaching children how to communicate openly and honestly. A simple trick to help children express their feelings is using “I” statements. For example, “I feel upset when…”

“I” statements help avoid blaming language that can lead to more sibling conflict. Instead of saying, “You always take my toys!” a child can tell their sibling, “I feel upset when you take my toys without asking.” These statements can help siblings understand each other’s feelings and viewpoints without starting another fight. Using “I” statements may create an opportunity to turn an argument into a chance to solve problems and better understand each other. 

Foster empathy and understanding

When siblings are upset, it’s easy for them to get stuck in their own feelings and forget to see the other person’s side. Helping kids put themselves in their siblings’ shoes is a powerful way to build emotional connection and reduce resentment. Parents can guide this by asking questions like, “How do you think your sibling felt when that happened?” or “How would you feel if that happened to you?”

Teaching empathy can also stop sibling fighting from getting worse. People naturally tend to match how others treat them. If one child starts yelling, the other is likely to yell back. Encouraging a calm, kind approach from the start can set a more positive tone for a productive conversation where both sides feel heard. This stops the fight from spiraling into a bigger argument and helps siblings work toward understanding each other instead of just trying to “win” the argument.

Give each child individual attention

Sibling rivalry can stem from a competition for attention from parents and caregivers. Carving out one-on-one time with each child can help make each child feel valued and reduce the need to compete for parental approval.

Even small moments, like watching a TV show together or going on a walk, can make a big difference. When each sibling feels seen and appreciated for who they are as individuals, they may be less likely to compete for attention. 

Techniques for Preventing Escalation of Sibling Conflict

While some sibling disagreements are unavoidable, there are strategies to stop small arguments from turning into big blowups. Parents can help siblings manage conflict before it gets out of hand by modeling healthy behavior, teaching problem-solving skills, and encouraging teamwork.

Model healthy conflict resolution yourself

Kids learn how to handle their own problems by watching how the adults around them handle conflicts. If kids see their parents demonstrate respectful disagreement, compromise, and regulate their emotions during conflict, they’re more likely to adopt those same strategies.

“It is important to teach children conflict resolution by helping them listen to each other, and by encouraging siblings to find their own solutions to their conflicts. As parents, we also need to model healthy conflict resolution to our children so that they can learn appropriate ways to deal with sibling rivalry. This will lead to stronger sibling relationships and better emotional regulation in adulthood.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Olga Molina, D.S.W., LCSW

Teach problem-solving skills

Not all sibling fighting is bad. Sometimes, these conflicts can actually teach valuable lessons when they’re handled the right way. When siblings argue, parents can take the opportunity to coach them through solving the problem themselves by helping them brainstorm ideas to find fair solutions and compromises that both sides can accept.

This process can help kids learn how to handle disagreements in a healthy way that will benefit them at home, in friendships, at school, and beyond.

Create opportunities for teamwork

Encouraging siblings to work together on different activities, projects, or shared responsibilities can help strengthen their bond and reduce rivalry. Ideas for teamwork opportunities include:

• Completing a puzzle or a Lego set 
• Playing a cooperative board game or video game
• Completing a scavenger hunt 
• Doing chores together
• Cooking or baking together
• Volunteering as a family

When Sibling Rivalry Becomes a Bigger Concern

Occasional sibling rivalry and conflicts can be normal, but frequent hostility, bullying, or emotional harm signals that there may be a deeper issue that needs professional attention. 

Parents or caregivers should watch for signs of resentment, fear, or withdrawal that may indicate emotional struggles. If you notice that one or both children are consistently upset, anxious, or withdrawn due to their sibling relationships, it may be time to seek outside help or family therapy.

“If sibling conflict becomes challenging and is unresolved, seek the help of a therapist who can provide much-needed psychoeducation and support to the family.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Olga Molina, D.S.W., LCSW

Moving Toward Healthier Sibling Relationships

Parenting is hard, and dealing with sibling rivalry often makes it harder. Teaching your children problem-solving skills, empathy, and respect will help siblings grow their connection and support each other for life. If you ever find the tension in your family becoming overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek outside support. Ongoing therapy can be a valuable resource for addressing deeper issues in children and teens, guiding both family and individual healing, and learning how to deal with sibling rivalry in a constructive way.

At Talkspace, you can connect with a licensed online therapist to help your family navigate sibling rivalry and family conflict. With the right tools and support, your family can build healthier relationships and create a more peaceful home environment. Small, consistent efforts today can lead to stronger sibling bonds that last a lifetime.