If Your Kids Lead Easy Lives, Do You Need To “Manufacture Hardship”?

Everyone wants to raise good kids while also giving them everything they need and at least most of what they want. And at some point, every parent also realizes these goals may be in conflict with one another. One parent took to Reddit to get at the heart of this tension, asking if they should “manufacture hardship” for their kids.

On r/Parenting, user MemoryCool11 shared some concerns that their tweens have grown up with pretty easy lives, and as a result, they seem unable to tolerate even minor inconveniences. The poster explains that they and their husband grew up “poor,” and OP’s parents were immigrants who spoke English as a second language and had to work countless hours to make ends meet. As adults with a family of their own now, OP says they live a “very comfortable upper-middle-class life.”

“My work in particular is very freelance, so I can always be there for school pickups, to drive my kids around to all their extracurriculars; they get to go on some pretty nice vacations. So my kids get to have a comfortable life AND an engaged parent at home. They’re good kids, and we’ve done pretty well not to spoil them with material things. They’re not the kinds of kids who care about brand-name stuff, wanting a lot of stuff in general, but I’ve found that because they have such easy, comfortable lives, they have not much capacity for dealing with even slight inconveniences,” OP writes.

For example, OP explains that if they’re five minutes late to pick the kids up after school, “they’ll literally throw me attitude like it’s the worst thing ever. They get frustrated easily over small things like having to switch dinner plans from like one nice restaurant to a slightly less nice one.” After visiting Universal with the “VIP experience” (fast passes, a dedicated guide, etc.), they complained nonstop during the next theme park visit without those perks.

It’s not so much the complaining this parent is worried about, but “how quickly they go into unregulated frustration as soon as something isn’t immediately easy for them.”

“I guess my question is, should I be manufacturing more hardship? Do we simply just not do things like the VIP experience (despite the ability to afford it) if that kind of frictionless existence makes them too spoiled?” OP asks.

And the comments answered.

“It might be time to build some friction into their lives. Less buying the fast passes, more helping with yard work, doing more house chores, learning how to cook (can’t rush that and kneading dough for 8 minutes is a chore), having to reserve library books and wait for them to be ready, trying new things that are hard, hiking, rock climbing, being out in all weather, camping,” said one.

Spending time outdoors was recommended a lot, actually. “I was a camp counselor a few times. Rich, poor, everyone’s going to learn some things about themselves on the ropes course and in the white water,” wrote one user. OP responded that her kids do like to hike, and commenters suggested the parent roll with that. “Could you try to increase the difficulty of these hobbies they already enjoy? Maybe they take the lead with navigation on the next hike? Or you try backpacking instead of camping in a drive-up campsite?”

One commenter said it’s really not about making life harder for your kids, but about teaching them to be graceful under stress. “You can build resilience, but they may have constantly comfortable lives. You can still teach them and expect them to not be spoiled about it. They can be disappointed or impatient without being rude. You don’t have to make them more uncomfortable to do that,” they wrote.

Finally, in a comforting turn, one user suggested this problem might solve itself with age. “I’m finding with my kids, a lot of this grows with opportunities for independence. If I’m not there to solve everything for them, they learn to adapt and flex and innovate. I also make sure I am available to debrief their problem-solving and support the efforts, even if unsuccessful.”

The general consensus was that if the kids can’t tolerate inconvenience, that means they need more exposure to it so they can learn how.

“I don’t think you need to manufacture adversity, but I do think you need to stop clearing their paths of friction just because you can afford it. They can’t build skills they never get a chance to practice.”