I’m A Better Friend When I Stay Off Social Media

Social media has brought more pros than cons to my life, and that’s the truth. There’s nothing like feeling connected to the world — to your family and friends — without having to leave your couch, and social media can be a huge lifeline for so many. Some of my closest friends are fellow women I met when we were all 14 years old on LiveJournal, so I would never say that social media doesn’t have its benefits when it comes to friendships.

But I have to be honest: I’m a better friend when I’m not on social media all the time.

I haven’t always been the best friend I can be to those I love. I spent a lot of my 20s flaking out on people because I would agree to do things and then be out of the mood when it came time to actually hang out. I didn’t know how to protect my own peace and balance my needs with a social life, and I’ve always found that when I have a lot of things to juggle, my social life is always the first one on the floor.

Social media always felt like a great resource for me. Maybe I couldn’t meet up for a coffee, but I could see what people were up to on Instagram and stay connected there. I could check in on Facebook and see what was happening in friends’ lives and send them funny memes that made me think of them.

But over the years, especially as I’ve added more stuff to juggle — more kids, more responsibilities, more hobbies — I’ve found that I’ve used social media as a crutch for real connection. That it wouldn’t feel like it had been months since I saw a friend, because I was in constant communication with her via Instagram. I found myself surprised when I would add up the weeks to figure out the last time I had a coffee date with a friend or even called them on the phone.

And that doesn’t make social media a bad thing — but I found I was relying on it so much that when I did see my friends, it was harder to connect. I already knew everything happening in their life, so what else was there to talk about? Why would I ask them to tell me about a once-in-a-lifetime trip they recently came home from when I’d already watched their Instagram reels about it and liked every photo in their Facebook album?

I used to think it was weird when people pretended like they didn’t know something had happened in your life, especially if they were friends with you on Facebook. Then I began to see it as a gift.

Of course they know I had a baby; they liked my post. They sent me an encouraging text message when I shared a vulnerable Instagram story about not being able to stop crying even though I had everything I ever wanted, and even emailed me a DoorDash card. But to have a friend say, “So how’s it going? How’s the baby? How are you?” — while social media can absolutely strengthen that connection, it’s one that still matters on its own.

The other benefit of staying off social media is the incredibly important reminder that being with friends can be just that: being with them. I don’t have to host elaborate themed dinners, I don’t have to buy anything to have them over, I don’t have to make a picture-perfect Instagram story set to Nancy Meyers’ film scores… and I don’t have to have a set of friends that fit the perfect mold of Instagram relationships. Social media is all a highlight reel, and it’s so essential every now and then to remind myself of that, especially when it comes to showing off a relationship.

When I stay off social media, that doesn’t mean I have to constantly be out meeting friends for glasses of wine and book club meetings and walks at the park. But even getting off of the apps and texting a friend directly (instead of sending her a meme or a reel) feels like a more intentional act of friendship for me. Seeing her story about going to the mall to try on clothes for the first time in years? I don’t want to just send a reply like “Oh man, that sounds so fun!” I want to call her and ask her which stores she went to. I want to see if she’ll meet up with me to go again. I want her to FaceTime me and show me everything she just bought.

It’s more work. It’s something I have to actively participate in, and it’s something I have to remind myself to do. Social media can be such a balm, but it’s easy to slip into this world where a social media connection always feels like enough. It has its time and its place, but when I slip out of that world for a bit, when I focus in on what I want my friendships to look like and feel, there are a lot less Instagram story reactions and a lot more, “Do you want to run with me to Target after bedtime?” texts.