From preschool straight through college, we worry about our kids falling in with the “wrong crowd.” These protective feelings can start as early as the toddler train table. Just imagine watching an aggressive kid who’s hoarding steam engines and ripping freight cars from your child’s tiny hands. Who wouldn’t intervene? And you maybe would even think, “I’m sure that’s how Bonnie and Clyde started, too.”
OK, maybe no one has actually thought that, but certainly, we’ve all felt defensive of our kids. And those feelings get stronger and stronger when toy-train snatching turns into real bullying, exclusion, name-calling, peer pressure, and a whole slew of other problems as kids hit the tween and teen years.
It’s fair to be concerned about the “wrong friends,” but realistically, there are also tons of good kids out there — and your child might already be building friendships with them. So, we asked experts to help us break down “green flags,” or positive signs, of a healthy childhood friendship.
Here’s what to look for in your kid’s friends.
They Build Up Your Child
It doesn’t matter if you’re 6, 16, or 60 years old; good friends make us feel better. After being with a friend, is your child smiling, interacting with the family, and showing positive behaviors? Those are green flags that they are being built up and feel more confident.
Pointing out the actions of a supportive friend helps your child seek out those types of relationships on their own, according to Dr. Michele Borba, educational psychologist and author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reason Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine.
“It doesn’t have to be a long, lengthy description,” she explains. “It can be the parent coming home and saying, ‘I had a great lunch with my friend. She really built me up, and, man, I’m a lot happier as a result of it.’ Later on, when you see your kid’s interactions, you can do the same thing.”
They Stick By Your Child
Everyone goes through rough patches, especially in middle school and high school. Does the friend stay with your child in tough situations, actively showing up and supporting them? This might look like a phone call on a bad day or dropping off schoolwork on a sick day.
“A green flag is, ‘Hey, they seem like they’re helping each other,’” Borba says. “Remember, friendship is made up of skills, specifically courteous or character-driven behaviors.”
This might seem like a simple concept, but parents and teachers say kids struggle with it and need to practice those skills.
To help, “card in time for face-to-face interactions,” Borba says. “That’s not on a screen; it’s a real-life kid so they can practice these skills, because there’s a high correlation —extremely high — to well-being and happiness.”
They Reciprocate
No one wants to do all of the work in a friendship. Your child should get as much as they give.
“It’s more equal in partnership, Borba says. “It’s not always your kid making all the inroads and making all the phone calls. Sharing is the first skill we learn: ‘It’s my turn now, it’s your turn.’ That’s when you’re 3, but I work with a lot of 12-year-olds who still haven’t learned that one.”
This doesn’t necessarily mean that everything has to look equal in tangible ways. Perhaps most of the time together is spent at your house. That’s OK. It’s more important that the friend is reciprocating in social and emotional ways. Both friends are initiating plans, even if they can’t host. The balance doesn’t need to be perfect all the time, but the green flag is that your child continually feels seen and heard, and gets a thoughtful response.
They Share a Commonality
Research shows that adolescents tend to form friendships when they perceive commonality. This can be a shared interest, like playing soccer, a character trait, like kindness, or a value, like caring about academics.
So, if you can help your child find their passions — basketball, dancing, guitar, painting — they are likely to find good friends within that activity. This is why kids in high school tend to forge friendships based on their clubs and sports.
A good friend is also likely to value the same boundaries and standards that your family cares about. This might include empathy, loyalty, respect for others, and taking school seriously.
“These things will be more what your child seeks if you model and speak highly of these traits,” explains Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine.
They Welcome More Friends
Healthy friendships allow other children to join in.
Consider the “best friend” label and the exclusion that can come along with it. This is an area where elementary and middle school kids really struggle to navigate closeness while still allowing other friendships. When a relationship becomes too exclusive, it can fuel jealousy, competition, or pressure to choose sides.
“These are all normal human responses,” says Dr. Saltz.
Although the feelings are normal, the most important part is helping children understand how to cope with them and build healthy friendships.
“Allowing yourself to be manipulated into an intense and controlling relationship is a problematic model for future relationships, as is being a controller,” she says. “So, talk to your kid about the importance of maintaining balance, that relationships don’t require all or nothing, help them navigate the language to avoid too much intensity.”
If your child and their friend welcome others into the circle, it’s a green flag.
They Speak Positively About Other Kids
The way children talk about their peers offers insight into their friendships. A warning sign is when a friendship relies on gossip, bad-mouthing others, or keeping people out. If a friend is speaking badly about other children, they could easily shift into speaking badly about your own child, too.
On top of that, it teaches your child that closeness comes from negativity or control. This unhealthy pattern can follow them into adulthood, affecting their future workplace relationships or romantic partnerships, and sometimes it can lead to isolation, depression, or other problems.
“Talking to your child about what really matters — in friendship, in life, in lifetime relationships — can really help them with their own barometer,” Saltz says. “But you have to also walk the walk… it won’t matter what you say, they will pursue what you pursue. If you show them what you value and why, that will make an impact.”
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