It’s Not Just You. We’re All Mad At Our Husbands.

The conversation started when one of my co-workers popped into our team Slack chat to vent about her husband. Before long, we were all weighing in with our own war stories of weaponized incompetence and how, sometimes, the simmering resentment toward our partners just sort of spills over. A few days later, another version of the same conversation surfaced during dinner with some of my girlfriends. Twice in one week? It begged the question: Is being low-key angry at your husband all the time a universal experience in hetero marriages?

Before you come at me with your cries of misandry, well, miss me with your selective outrage. Every woman I’ve had this conversation with recently is in an overall happy and relatively healthy marriage, myself included. And yet, the central thesis remains that many women in different-sex marriages feel a persistent annoyance toward their partners. And guess what? It’s not just common; it’s completely understandable.

I tapped experts for their insight on the subject, and they say this resentment is rooted in unequal labor, socialized silence, and developmental stress points in parenting. And, uh, yeah… that tracks. But there are some things we can do so that we aren’t walking around constantly wanting to throttle the men we also happen to love. Mostly.

Why We’re Mad (Even If They’re “Not That Bad”)

You know what’s also annoying? When you’re just trying to blow off steam by venting, and someone chides you because your husband isn’t a total sociopath. He’s “not that bad!” Or “you’re lucky — it could be worse.” Um, no sh*t, Linda… that still doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to be annoyed. Because it’s not always about a major offense. In fact, this kind of festering resentment often stems from a series of small things, all strung together and repeated daily.

Modern family life is incredibly demanding, and moms tend to bear the brunt of the responsibility when it comes to their families. “Often, the mom becomes the de facto ‘project manager,’ tracking everything from dentist appointments to emotional well-being,” says Kimberly Miller, a family law attorney, licensed marriage and family therapist, and founder of divorce-navigation platform PartWise.

It all boils down to the invisible load: women carrying more and feeling as though we always have to ask for help when, in most cases, the need should simply be seen and offered. After all, women are constantly just recognizing needs and meeting them without being asked or prompted.

According to Kelsey Mizell, co-founder, facilitator, and trainer at The MotherLoad Collective, the growing dissonance between modern mothers and their partners can be attributed to women reclaiming their own agency.

“There has been a significant shift in expectations, where what moms expect is becoming more aligned with what they deserve as opposed to the narrative that society often upholds,” Mizell explains. “As moms are running away from the often depicted roles of primary caretaker, supermom, and martyr by doing less, they find their husbands struggling to make the leap towards doing more.”

Why We Often Internalize It Until It Boils Over

I think most of us can probably agree that we often ask for help and express our needs, but those utterances fall on deaf ears or are dismissed as “nagging.” However, it’s also possible that many of us — perhaps even all of us to some extent — internalize a lot of our frustrations. After all, women have historically been conditioned to suppress anger.

“Young girls are taught to be nice, agreeable, and emotionally sensitive to others. So, their anger is often trivialized as ‘dramatic’ or ‘too much.’ By the time they become women, they tend to minimize their frustrations in adulthood, not wanting to be seen as nagging or ungrateful, especially in relationships,” says professional matchmaker Brie Temple, CCO at Tawkify.

The problem: Suppressing emotions doesn’t eradicate them. It just changes the way they’re expressed, says Temple. “In lieu of open displays of discontent, one may find irritability, emotional distancing, or a simmering, silent resentment.”

And since many of us were never really taught to express anger constructively (you know, the whole history of suppression and all), we default to internalizing or deferring.

Agrees Miller, “From a young age, many women are taught, directly or indirectly, that anger is unattractive and inappropriate. So, rather than expressing anger directly, it often comes out sideways … this internalized messaging can make it difficult for women to identify and articulate the roots of their frustration, leading to an emotional bottleneck that eventually spills over.”

When It Spikes (& Why That Matters)

I don’t know about you, but my tolerance for dumbf*ckery — or intolerance, as it were — seems to have shifted pretty dramatically since I hit 40. Or maybe it’s because I’m in the thick of some pretty wild parenting years, with a tween and a teen in the house.

According to the experts, both could absolutely contribute to an undercurrent of annoyance.

“Spikes in resentment and relationship challenges often align with high-demand phases of parenting,” confirms Miller, continuing, “Toddlerhood and the teen years are especially intense because they require constant emotional regulation, decision-making, and boundary setting — often from the primary caregiver. If a mom feels like she’s parenting alone during these phases, the resentment can become acute. These periods also tend to challenge couples’ communication and alignment, making underlying inequities more visible.”

Then there’s perimenopause, when hormonal shifts and years of unacknowledged labor lead to a much shorter fuse.

“At the point where most women hit perimenopause, they have been working in their capacity as a wife and mother for more than a decade. Both roles are often thankless ‘in action.’ In other words, the husband and the children may say ‘thank you,’ but they don’t show it. Particularly, the husbands don’t show it by continuing to add to the plates of women without understanding the impact,” says Dr. LaKeita Carter, licensed psychologist and owner at Institute for Healing.

There’s some science there, too, says Carter. “Perimenopause introduces a significant decrease in estrogen and a host of negative symptoms that can create thin patience. For example, insomnia, emotional dysregulation, foggy brain, difficulty concentrating, weight gain, quick irritation, itchy ears, hot flashes, and lack of motivation are draining women at this point of life. When you add these symptoms to a partnership that is heavy on the woman, it can create anger and resentment.”

What Can Actually Help

First things first, cut yourself some slack. Yes, you love your husband. Yes, he’s probably a pretty good partner and father for the most part. You’re still allowed to feel like he’s a frickin’ bonehead sometimes, because he probably is.

Still, no one wants to be low-key annoyed or angry or frustrated 24/7. I mean, we have so much else (*gestures broadly*) to worry about at the moment. So, what do we do, since the old slapstick whacking him over the head with a frying pan isn’t an option?

Start by reframing anger as a signal.

“Healthy processing starts with validation. Moms need to hear that their feelings are real, understandable, and worthy of attention,” says Miller. “From there, the key is to shift from blame to boundaries — clearly communicating needs, renegotiating roles, and seeking support. Anger isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a signal that something needs to change.”

Also, stop waiting for your husband to “get it.” If you’re committed to staying in the relationship, expect effort, not clairvoyance.

Says Mandolin Moody, mental health expert, therapist, and licensed social worker at Gateway to Solutions, “While we cannot expect ‘mind-reading’ from our partners, we can expect mutual empathy, support, and compromise in our relationships. If you have a need that is not being met, you must communicate your concerns with your partner and problem-solve with each other to ensure your feedback is honored. (Keep in mind that this expectation goes both ways, too).”

According to Carter, really solving this simmering anger issue means your partner taking full accountability and initiative. Not just a task here or there, but the whole mental load.

“No amount of flowers is going to help at this point,” she says. “The resentment and anger has built over years… sometimes decades. A good date night won’t cut it. Women need you to completely shift your way of thinking, and you need to take on the bulk of the emotional labor until she heals. How long will that take? Years. Just like she carried it for years.”

It will be uncomfortable for them, she says, because it’s not what society expects of men. However, it’s what women need (and deserve).

“She needs to be able to say, ‘My husband has it,’ and actually believe it. What is it? It’s everything. ‘My husband has back-to-school shopping.’ ‘My husband has signing the kids up for swimming camp.’ ‘My husband has getting our daughter’s hair done.’ ‘My husband has planning the next family vacation from start to finish.’ He has it.”

Where We Go From Here

Listen, we’re all pissed at our partners. A lot. If mine leaves his GD hair trimmings all over the sink one more time, I might blow a gasket. But that doesn’t mean my marriage is doomed, and you being annoyed AF at your husband doesn’t mean yours is doomed, either.

“It is quite common for women in long-term partnerships to feel they have constant relationship concerns or perpetual annoyance toward their partners,” Moody reassures. “In fact, research shows that 69% of relationship problems are perpetual problems that come up over and over again.”

It’s not the presence of problems in your relationship that should concern you, but rather, how you and your partner work through them.

To that end, naming resentment is the first step to making sure your needs — emotional, mental, physical — stop getting minimized.

“I think if men understood how simple it is to actually please their spouse, then it would go a long way,” says parenting expert Rose Sprinkle. “When a woman tells you how to make her happy, listen and take it to heart. She’s telling you this to help you succeed, not to criticize you or make you feel like you’re not doing enough.”