Midwife and Life – The Invisible Weight: How the Mental Load Affects Midlife Mothers (and What We Can Do About It)

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You know that feeling when you’re lying in bed, mind whirring with tomorrow’s tasks: lunches, school forms, your mum’s doctor appointment, the washing, your work deadlines, the dentist reminder you still haven’t booked. It’s not just “thinking ahead”; it’s the mental load, and for midlife mothers, it’s heavier than ever.

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The term mental load refers to the constant, often invisible, cognitive labour involved in keeping life running smoothly. It’s not the doing itself, it’s the remembering, anticipating, and organising that happens in the background.

And while it’s been discussed widely in relation to new motherhood, there’s far less talk about how it shows up later when our children are older, our parents may need care, and our own bodies are starting to change. As women and mothers we tend to take on a lot more of the invisible load than our partners, but it shouldn’t be the default setting.

Why It Hits Midlife Mothers Harder

As women reach their 40s and 50s, the responsibilities stack up like never before. You might be:

• Supporting teenagers through exams or emotional ups and downs
• Caring for ageing parents
• Managing your own career or business
• Dealing with perimenopause symptoms (fatigue, anxiety, brain fog)
• Trying to maintain relationships, self-care, and some sense of balance

Related reading: What Perimenopause Really Feels Like (and How to Cope)

Hormonal changes in perimenopause can make things worse. Declining oestrogen affects mood, sleep, and concentration, intensifying feelings of overwhelm. What might once have been manageable suddenly feels like too much, and often, women blame themselves for “not coping.”

For reliable, up-to-date information, see the NHS Guide to Perimenopause and Menopause.

How the Mental Load Impacts Mental Health

When your brain is constantly juggling invisible tasks, your nervous system stays in a low-level stress response. Over time, that can lead to:

• Chronic fatigue
• Irritability or anger
• Anxiety and low mood
• Difficulty concentrating
• Insomnia
• A sense of resentment or disconnection from partners

Also see: How to Recognise When You’re Running on Empty

If you’re struggling emotionally, it’s worth exploring professional support from your GP, a counsellor, or resources such as Mind UK and Maternal Mental Health Alliance.

Recognising the Signs of Overload

You might be carrying too much mental load if:

• You’re the only one who knows when bills are due or appointments are scheduled
• You feel responsible for everyone’s happiness
• You struggle to switch off, even when you’re physically resting
• You can’t remember the last time you did something just for yourself

Recognising this is not about blame. It’s about awareness. Awareness is the first step towards change.

How to Lighten the Load

Here are some practical ways to ease the mental load and protect your mental health:

1. Make the invisible visible.
Write down everything you do or think about for your household over a week. It’s often eye-opening to see how much you’re carrying. Share that list with your partner or family. This is not to criticise, but to make the unseen visible. You may have been carrying a lot, and they let you because it was unseen, just something you did without recognition. Once they know, they can help take some of the load.

2. Delegate intentionally.
Ask for help in specific, actionable ways. Instead of “I need more help around the house,” try “Can you take over sorting school uniforms every Sunday?” Clarity helps tasks actually get shared. Ideally they would see what needs doing and do it, but if they haven’t been aware for a while, they will need help initially.

Try this next: How to Get Your Partner to Help Without Nagging

3. Stop striving for perfection.
Let “good enough” be your new mantra. Your children won’t remember spotless bathrooms, but they’ll remember a calm, happy mum who was present with them.

4. Schedule real rest.
Not scrolling-on-the-sofa rest but deep rest. Time when you do nothing productive. This might feel uncomfortable at first, but rest is not a reward, it’s maintenance.

You might enjoy: Simple Self-Care Ideas for Busy Mums

5. Acknowledge perimenopause’s role.
If you’re experiencing brain fog, anxiety, or mood swings, it may be hormonal as much as situational. Speak to your GP or a menopause specialist. Balancing hormones can make a world of difference to your mental health and anxiety.
For more on this, visit The Menopause Charity.

6. Connect with other women.
The load feels lighter when it’s shared emotionally, too. Talk about it. Whether in friendship groups, online communities, or support circles, being heard is powerful.

Explore: How to Build Your Support Network as a Mum

Opening Up the Conversation

What would happen if we all started naming the mental load? Not as a personal failing, but as a shared social issue?

If our partners, workplaces, and even children understood that managing family life is labour, perhaps more of us could share it more equally. Once I started realising I didn’t have to do it all by myself, things got a lot easier. I made simple changes like making sure my partner was on the school email contact list too, and that he actioned things on an equal footing. We both work and have the same amount to do professionally, so it makes sense to share the parenting load that is both visible and invisible.

So, let’s start here:
How does the mental load show up in your life right now?
What’s one thing you’ve done to make it lighter, or one thing you wish you could change?

Share your thoughts in the comments below. Your story might be exactly what another woman needs to read today.

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