Redditor Wants To Know “AITA” For Telling Mom’s Boyfriend He’s Not “Grandpa”

As divorce became more common in the latter half of the 20th century, families began to look different, particularly as they grew over generations. Suddenly, the “four grandparent” paradigm that dominated most of modern history shifted. My kids, for example, have four grandfathers — biological and step — and three grandmothers. It’s lovely to know that family can be defined far beyond blood… but that doesn’t mean these dynamics don’t get complicated sometimes. Take a recent post on Reddit’s Am I The Assh*le board, where u/Puzzleheaded_Fee_541 (we’ll call them Puzzle for short) asked “AITA for not allowing my mom to refer to her partner as Grandpa?”

My parents divorced back in the early 2000s. My relationship with my dad wasn’t initially great but as time went on, we became closer and on great terms. He unexpectedly passed 4 years ago. I don’t have a good relationship with my mom’s current partner but we remain respectful towards each other. Fast forward to now, my wife and I just had our first child and my mom visited for the first time on the weekend with her partner. She kept referring to her partner as “Grandpa” to my son which I felt was disrespectful to my dad who would have that title. I kicked up a fuss to which she got mad. Both left abruptly.

In an edit to the original post, Puzzle further clarified that “kicked up a fuss” wasn’t anything violent or shouty, but “probably came across as abrupt.” They said mom’s partner (whom she’s been with for about 18 months) could be called “anything but Grandpa, as that is for my biological dad.” Puzzle admits that this conversation probably should have taken place before the first meeting, but unfortunately it didn’t.

“I’ve had some issues with my mom over the years, which I’ve felt come across in her partner’s demeanor towards myself,” they continue. “It’s only really been in the past 6 months that we’ve actually had a proper conversation. I just didn’t feel that he should have that title of being Grandpa as we aren’t that close and that I’m still not over the passing of my father.”

So… AITA?

Opinion in the comments largely fell under “NTA” (Not The Assh*le).

“They’ve only been together for a year and a half. Your mum is out of order here,” declares one commenter. “I’ve got sauce bottles older than that!”

“She simply doesn’t get to decide something like that for you or your son,” agrees another. “Don’t apologize to her. Her partner doesn’t have to have a special title and if she can’t accept that, she doesn’t have to see your child.”

“Four years in the context of grieving a parent, especially one you lost unexpectedly, really isn’t much time at all,” offers a third. “You just had a baby; the feelings about losing a parent as you enter into fatherhood yourself, can’t be easy to cope with right now. Plus you don’t have a great relationship with her partner. I think your mom crossed the line. How she reacts to you pointing that out will be pretty important, because I think she should understand how all of this is impacting you and give you understanding on it. If he’s going to be around your child long term, another nickname might be a nice compromise but that’s totally your choice. Your feelings about keeping your dad’s memory alive beat out your mom’s partner, wanting to be a grandparent to a kid he’s not related to.”

“While I don’t think you have to be biologically related to be mom/dad or grandma/grandpa you do need a parent child relationship before you accept someone to get that title when you have a kid,” says another. “You don’t have that with this man so why would he be grandpa?”

Others, however, were a little more forgiving of Puzzle’s mom and partner, ruling “NAH” (No Assh*les Here).

“I understand you but you need to think about the fact that this person will be in your kids life and there would not have any other grandpa on this side of the family,” suggests one commenter. “He will be the only gramps he knows from your side.”

“It’s your choice, but I think it may be limiting,” says another. “Understand, your kid is not going to have the same dynamic as you do with your family/extended family members. Mom’s partner may not be close to you but could end up being a loving grandparent to your kid and close to them if you allow things to unfold naturally.”

Personally, I think there’s a way to go about this that honors everyone’s feelings. Going with a grandparent name other than grandpa feels like a good compromise. As for the fact that Not-Grandpa has only been dating Grandma for about a year and a half, well, the baby is a newborn: at this point, the child doesn’t know he has toes, let alone a non-biologically related relative serving in a grandparent role. There’s time to offer grace and iron out the kinks… and, certainly, there’s plenty of people in similar positions that can offer experience and insight to help Puzzle and their new family out…