Sure, the days are longer and brighter, and while I think that’s nice, I still don’t see why everyone is so obsessed with summer. You’re telling me that people are excited to have frizzy hair, not be able to breathe once they set foot outside, and swat so many bugs through the day it counts as cardio? I don’t think so.
I don’t enjoy sweating in unmentionable places. Bras and hot weather don’t mix — chafing and strange rashes are at an all-time high — and we have to watch out for poisonous plants and check ourselves for ticks every day. Plus, smelling other people’s sweaty pits isn’t a pleasant experience.
And I’m going to break something if I hear another person say, “It’s not the heat; it’s the humidity.”
But the biggest offender of all: the beach. I’m not sorry to admit that’s the last place I want to be when it’s hot out. When did sitting in the hot dirt — because that really is what sand is at this point — coated in perspiration, guarding all my food from sea rats, become fun? It’s uncomfortable, my skin is hot and tight from the blazing sun, and who knows what’s in the water I’m forced to go into to keep my body temperature regulated.
I don’t need to tell you how much I hate lugging all the stuff from the car to the beach because I know you hate it too. Don’t act like it’s worth it either, because it’s not. I see you suffering as you carry a 100-pound cooler over the burning hot sand. And how about trying to keep your umbrella from blowing away and taking another family out? Yeah, that’s a real treat. I haven’t even mentioned the pound of sand that’s going to seep into my ass crack no matter how I try to avoid it.
And then there’s the air conditioning. I loathe trying to figure out what to wear to protect myself from the blasting coolness of air conditioning. One minute you’re so hot you want to peel off every stitch of clothing, then as soon as you go into a store or restaurant, you need a snow suit to keep from turning purple.
And I don’t want to sit outside to eat. That means I have to shield my eyes from the sun, try not to swallow bugs, and set a timer so the food doesn’t spoil in the sun. Everything is covered in pollen, and people are sneezing all over the place and rushing to the pharmacy for allergy meds with watery eyes. It truly sucks to have to shave your legs and pubes all the damn time. I have better things to do with my time.
I, for one, prefer to turn in early, and the fact that it’s still warm and light outside after 7 p.m. makes me feel guilty that I’m dozing on the couch. I’d much rather get in my jammies and curl up inside the house for dinner. I don’t want to sit outside in an uncomfortable chair and get my blood sucked out of my body by mosquitoes.
Summer can suck it. There I said it. I don’t care if I’m the only one who feels this way.
Katie lives in Maine with her three kids, two ducks, and a goldendoodle. When she’s not writing, she’s reading, at the gym, redecorating her home, or spending too much money online.
