Supporting a Loved One Through Addiction

Addiction is a complex disease, and recovery is rarely straightforward. The sooner parents acknowledge this, the easier it will be to support their children through such an emotionally draining journey. 

By communicating compassionately, parents can help their children feel heard. For many people, this is the glimmer in their recovery. The positive foundation they can keep coming back to. 

In this article, we’ll cover the basics of addiction, as well as expert tips on how parents can communicate with their recovering children compassionately. Parents don’t have to be perfect, they just have to be willing.

What is Addiction, Really?

We’ve all got our own ideas about addiction. Whether it’s things we learnt at school, videos we’ve seen on social media, or personal experiences we’ve had. 

What is addiction, really? What’s the science behind it, whose fault is it, and how can we avoid it?

1. The science behind addiction

Throughout history, we’ve relied on surges of dopamine to keep us on track. Hungry, thirsty and far from home? Finally getting our hands on food and water would give us a huge dopamine boost, rewarding us for our efforts.

Nowadays, most of us aren’t so much in survival mode, but our brains still crave dopamine. When we use drugs or alcohol, our brain’s reward pathway still lights up, making us want to repeat the behaviour. 

The more we do it, the more reliant we become, and we can eventually be completely dependent on drugs or alcohol, either physically, psychologically, or both. 

2. Whose fault is addiction?

If you’ve heard of the disease model of addiction, you’ll know it describes addiction as a mental illness. Something we might struggle with against our own will. 

In other words, it’s nobody’s “fault”. Not the person with addiction, not their parents, not their horrible breakup, not their neglectful childhood.

These people and experiences can contribute to someone developing an addiction, but they aren’t the full story. Addiction can be caused by many factors, and it’s usually multiple factors at play, such as:

• Genes
• Exposure
• Trauma
• Peer pressure
• Mental health conditions, e.g., OCD, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, anxiety

3. How can we avoid addiction?

As addiction is a type of mental illness, it would be tricky to eradicate the risk entirely. 

Some people successfully stay sober for their whole lives, avoiding a drug or alcohol addiction, and it works for them. However, there are other addictions (from gambling to shopping) that can affect us, so it’s important to learn risk reduction regardless.

For people who have never experienced addiction, risks can be mitigated in many ways, such as:

• Knowing your personal limits
• Deciding how much to drink before going out
• Being in good physical health
• Going to therapy
• Practising mindfulness

Anyone who has struggled with alcoholism will know that risk reduction is no longer as simple. Many people can’t simply keep drinking moderately, as there is a high risk this will evolve into dangerous drinking. 

In this case, it’s about identifying and managing triggers every single day. Most addiction experts teach that once you’ve dealt with dependency or addiction, you must act as though you could relapse at any point, and take action based on this, e.g., creating a strong support network, having an accountability partner, and going to therapy on a weekly basis.

Compassionate Communication: How to Talk to a Loved One with Addiction?

Your support is more important than your words. Making time for your child, helping them practically and checking in with them will say more than words ever will.

That being said, words are powerful, and you want to make sure you’re communicating in a helpful, not harmful, way.

1. Listen more than you talk

If you’re unsure about anything regarding your child’s experience, simply ask them. They are the expert in their own life. 

This curious, open attitude will show your loved one that they are in a safe space to share their genuine feelings.

2. Control your reactions

As difficult as it may be, try not to react dramatically when you hear something concerning. Practise pausing and taking a breath before reacting, so you have time to gather your thoughts and remain calm.

If your loved one feels supported rather than attacked, they will continue to trust you, which may be crucial for their recovery.

3. Validate, validate, validate

Not sure what to say? Validate. 

Your child may say something that concerns you deeply, such as “I’ll never go to alcohol rehab, it terrifies me” or “I don’t even need an alcohol detox”. Before rushing to problem-solve, think about what you can agree with, which is how they feel.

Saying “It does sound scary” or “I understand why you’re scared” can go a long way.

4. Focus on the positives

There are endless negatives with addiction. Whilst you can’t avoid this, you can choose to emphasise the positive moments that occur as well. 

Point out when your loved one has made progress, tell them you’re grateful they opened up to you, remind them how far they have come. This optimism goes a long way when it comes to pushing through challenges.

5. Don’t speak in absolutes

When you’re opening up about how you feel, avoid saying things like “you always do this”, or “this has happened because of you”.

It can make your child feel criticised, which will only worsen the feelings of shame that go hand-in-hand with addiction. Instead, try to lead with “I feel that” or “to me, it seems this way”. 

Balancing Empathy with Boundaries

Listening and validating feelings is essential, but without boundaries, it’s disastrous.

It may feel safer to avoid boundaries at first, but the instability will eventually catch up to you. To protect your own health, and your child’s recovery, consider which boundaries are non-negotiable. This might be:

• Removing drugs and alcohol from your home
• Not allowing your loved one to take care of your children on their own
• Refusing to allow them into your home when they are under the influence

Some people set firmer boundaries, such as letting go of the relationship until the loved one is ready to get help. This isn’t right for every situation, but it can help some people to prioritise their own safety and mental health. 

Whichever boundaries feel right for you, think about how to implement them effectively. 

Try to stay calm and consistent in your communication, as it will help you to stay firm even if your child reacts negatively to the conversation.

To avoid sounding threatening, keep love and care at the heart of the conversation. Remind your child that you love them deeply, and you want what’s best for them, which is why these boundaries are necessary.

If it’s possible, work with other family members to present a united front. This is more effective as it increases the stakes for your child. It also makes you feel supported at a tricky time. If you later struggle with guilt and second-guess your decision, you can talk it through with your loved one and lean on them.

Conclusion

Boundaries, compassionate communication can transform your child’s recovery experience. 

By placing your child at the centre of each addiction conversation, you are sending the message that they are valued and understood. 

Finding the perfect phrasing shouldn’t be your main concern. Instead, listen to your child, set clear boundaries, and prepare for your communication to open up.