The 6 Types Of Mother-In-Law & How To Deal With Each One

Mother-in-law disputes are nothing new; generations of daughters-in-law have wondered what on earth they did to deserve the MIL they got (whether that’s good or bad). But now, there’s a new system for figuring out exactly what type of behavior your mother-in-law is displaying — and how you can cope. In her forthcoming book You, Your Husband & His Mother, psychologist Dr. Tracy Dalgleish lays out six different types of mother-in-law, what each one wants, how she acts, and what you can do in response.

According to Dalgleish, the six types of mother-in-law are:

1. The Martyr
2. The Victim
3. The Blamer
4. The Controller
5. The Distancer
6. The Supporter

So, why does it matter that we have labels like this? It could help you identify the dynamic you’re stuck in with your mother-in-law, and better understand how to break out of it.

“Once we understand the patterns that exist in relationships, this really does help us build better, stronger bonds, especially for our marriage,” Dalgleish said in an interview with Scary Mommy. “And I caveat these six types by saying that they’re not diagnoses. People who have maybe labeled their mother-in-law as narcissistic might notice some of those flavorings in there, but I haven’t used the word narcissism in these six different types for the reason — it’s not helpful to go to your husband and say, ‘Look, this book says your mom is a narcissist.’ But by creating these six groups, what we can then understand is a group of behavior, and then we can understand how we then need to move forward.”

The Martyr

“The Martyr is someone who is dutiful and giving, but they are often filled with guilt and obligation,” says Dalgleish. “This is someone who is more passive-aggressive, and it feels like their ongoing self-sacrifice goes unappreciated.”

A Martyr mother-in-law might say things like “I try so hard, but I guess I can never get it right,” or “After all I’ve done for you, I can’t believe you would treat me this way.” Maybe she agrees to watch your children often, but then complains to a friend that she’s exhausted from doing so.

These comments create pressure for daughters-in-law to be more appreciative and more effusive in their thanks. But that’s a trap, Dalgleish says.

Let’s say you heard she was complaining to that friend about being worn out from babysitting: “With this mother-in-law, it’s important to express appreciation, but to not feed into the guilt and then to hold that firm boundary of, ‘If you are tired of looking after the kids, please let us know.’ It’s very clear. But the intention is to not feed into the cycle,” she says.

The Victim

The Victim, on the other hand, is someone who believes life keeps happening to them and they feel like they can’t change the outside world. She pulls for her child to fix things, to “be the good son and care for his mother,” Dalgleish says. “The Victim has little agency in her life, and she pulls other people into being the rescuer.”

Your partner might often say things like, “Oh, that’s just mom. That’s just who she is.” But a daughter-in-law who tries to step in and fix things for their Victim MIL will wind up inadvertently feeding into the victimhood, she notes.

“What daughters-in-law need to work on if your mother-in-law slides into the victim role is to not get stuck in the ‘Oh, I can’t believe it, poor you.’ Validating once is enough, and then change the conversation.”

The Blamer

This is the mother-in-law who says, “We didn’t have these problems before; you are the problem,” or “If you did things differently, then we wouldn’t be here.” She might say you shouldn’t nurse your baby this way, or ask how long you intend to exclusively breastfeed, just to keep her from feeding the baby, Dalgleish says.

“It’s like any problem that she feels inside, it’s because of the daughter-in-law’s choice. For a daughter-in-law, she might get stuck in defensiveness or over-explaining herself,” she says. “You might feel like you have to stand up for the reasons you’re choosing things or why you have these boundaries.”

Unfortunately, the more you do this, the more you become the scapegoat, Dalgleish explains. She says if you have a Blamer on your hands, then any boundaries should be delivered and enforced by your partner. And you may have to accept the idea that your MIL might not understand who you are and is just going to view you as a bad person, she adds. It’s an extremely painful dynamic, but you don’t have to play into it and hurt yourself any worse.

The Controller

The Controller thinks they’re always right and tends to be dismissive of their daughters-in-law. They may say things like, “This is how we do it in our family,” or “This is just our culture, this is how we do it.”

Dalgleish shares how one previous client’s MIL would schedule “these non-negotiable month-long visits,” when she’d stay at her son and daughter-in-law’s house, and there was zero flexibility for her to stay elsewhere. Everything was done her way.

“For daughters-in-law here, they often get stuck in over-explaining or over-justifying themselves, and then as a result, they don’t have good boundaries. They struggle to hold them and tend to get stuck in asking for permission,” she says. So if you have a Controller mother-in-law, it’s important that you and your partner establish what your boundaries are before visits and holidays, and work as a team to hold them.

The Distancer

This MIL type tends to just be… absent. “They might be more avoidant in their attachment style or just even in their coping mechanism. There’s not really any conflict or distress with the Distancer, but you don’t feel their presence in your life,” Dalgleish says.

While someone with a Blamer mother-in-law might think the Distancer sounds fantastic, their behavior can be just as hurtful.

“I often hear from daughters-in-law this desire of wanting their mother-in-law, who lives 30 minutes down the street, to come over and be part of their life. And no matter how many times they ask, the mother-in-law doesn’t come over, isn’t involved in the grandkids. And so with this, I think sometimes what we do is we can end up personalizing that experience and making it about ourselves and wondering, What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t my mother-in-law want to take care of my kids?” she says.

You can try to bridge the gap by saying, “Hey, we’d love you to come over for an hour and do this really specific thing with us,” Dalgleish says. “But ultimately, if she doesn’t want to, we have to accept that that’s who that person is and we get to make that choice.” She mentions that there are those MILs who feel absent during your kids’ younger years, only to pop up and want to be involved when they’re older. It’s up to you how you handle this, Dalgleish says.

“If family is important to you, then invite them in a way that works for you. If your children turn 10 and your mother-in-law says, ‘Well, now I want to have a sleepover with them,’ but your mother-in-law has barely been around for those first 10 years, that doesn’t mean you have to say yes to the sleepover. Instead, you have the boundaries around saying, ‘We can meet for 30 minutes. We’d love for you to come over for tea during this day, and that’s all that works for us.’”

The Supporter

These are the star mothers-in-law who are supportive, caring, and respectful, and that goes both ways in the relationship. They’re the kind you can talk to about your needs and expect it to go over well.

You might have a Supporter if your MIL notices you’re having a particularly hard season in your marriage, and she says, “I trust that you guys are going to work through this together, and I’m here if you need me in any way. And she doesn’t take sides,” Dalgleish says. Or, if you’ve had children, she was the parent texting something like, “Let me know what your wishes are around delivery and visitors after, and I’ll be ready when you’re ready to have me over.”

With a mother-in-law like this, you may still have to have conversations about your wants and needs as they change, but keep having them, Dalgleish says. “Sometimes we can put our needs on the back burner, and it’s just about every time you’re having an event or something coming up, being explicit about what it is that’s happening for you, and then making sure you and your partner are on the same team.”

There can be conflict and stressors in any relationship, and mother-in-law relationships can feel especially tough to navigate. Ultimately, Dalgleish says it’s important to remember that your partner’s family had its own dynamic before you entered the picture, and that you two should find a way to approach it as a team now. “With these six types, they’re often not conscious patterns. These come from legacy trauma — all mothers-in-law are a product of their own patterns in history.”