The Sex Tip Every Exhausted Parent Needs To Hear, According To A Psychotherapist

You’ve changed all the diapers, fed all the kids, made a snack (and another snack because the first snack wasn’t enough), gone to your older kid’s conference night, cleaned up dinner, and convinced your reluctant kid to do homework. Then you FINALLY crash onto the bed, only to be met with another challenge for some parents — your sex life, or lack thereof, in some cases.

The exhaustion is real. In a 2025 State of Motherhood Report, research showed 37% of moms rate their frequency of sex as “very dissatisfied, or dissatisfied,” and factors influencing their sexual satisfaction included having enough time and energy, having an interest or desire, the relationship dynamics, and mental-emotional exhaustion. Millennial moms especially pointed to time and energy, with 74% of them calling it the top factor in their sexual satisfaction. That is to say, of course, there’s just not enough of it to go around.

The last thing you need is more pressure to try some crazy new pretzel-like sex position.

Finally, someone is speaking up about this on social media, where Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist in the sex therapy field and influencer at Vanessa + Xander (her husband), shares some TMI yet somehow just the info we all needed to air those problems out from behind the bedroom walls.

This is the sex tip all tired parents need to know, says the psychotherapist.

Let’s talk about initiating sex. For some partners, just initiating and showing interest is enough to keep your sex life exciting and, more importantly, increase closeness. “Initiating sex is about showing your partner that they’re important and that intimacy is a priority for you,” Marin says. “It shows your partner that you recognize how vulnerable initiating is, and that you’re willing to take on some of that burden. The bottom line is that we all want to feel wanted! I think women in particular tend to forget that men want to feel wanted, too.”

So back to that tiring day where you crash on the bed, only to be confronted by your partner wanting sex — or you wanting sex but being worn the heck out. Marin shares in an Instagram post more about why she sometimes initiates anyway when she’s not “turned on.” “Why do we set the bar so high for sex? Instead of pressuring myself to feel wildly turned on, I like to ask myself, ‘Am I open to intimacy? Or to getting turned on?’”

She gives other examples of things you don’t skip just because you aren’t “wildly excited” about them, such as your kid’s soccer game, your workout, or even seeing a friend. She admits to only feeling “in the mood” around 20-25% of the time.

Are you open to… a quickie?

What if there just aren’t any more big “perfect moments,” or long, lazy days of foreplay built into most parents’ lives? That doesn’t mean you can’t have a fulfilling sexual relationship.

“When you initiate, it helps break the cycle of waiting for the “perfect moment,” which, let’s be real, rarely happens, especially when you’re an exhausted parent. It can also take the pressure off of making sex a big production,” Marin says. “You don’t need hours of uninterrupted time or a perfectly romantic setup. A quick kiss, a playful touch, or even a simple, ‘Hey, want to sneak away for a bit?’ can be enough to get things started. It’s about finding those small windows of opportunity and leaning into them, even if it’s just for a quickie.”

Equal initiation is important.

Does one person always initiate sex, but the other rarely does? Marin says this is something to pay attention to. “I’m a firm believer that both partners in a relationship should initiate. Initiation is just too vulnerable to put all the responsibility on one person’s shoulders. If one partner is always initiating, it can start to feel like a burden for them and leave the other partner feeling disconnected from their own desire,” she says.

So, what’s a lopsided couple to do? She suggests first talking openly about it. “It would mean so much to me if you initiated sometimes, too. It makes me feel wanted and desired,” one partner might say. “Also, you don’t have to be turned on in order to initiate! Initiation can mean, ‘I’m open to spending time with you and getting turned on,’ not, ‘I’m turned on right in this very second.’”

Struggling with this? Try scheduling sex, Marin suggests. “If you’re not intentional about carving out that time for each other, it’s simply not going to happen.”

Nonsexual touch improves your sexual relationship — here’s how.

Beyond evening out that initiation and giving it a go even when you aren’t wildly turned on to start, Marin emphasizes the importance of non-sexual touch the rest of the time, to build closeness. From cuddling to hand-holding to flirting, she’s a fan of couples giving it more attention. “Sending a flirty text during the day or giving your partner a compliment can help keep the spark alive, even when you’re both running on fumes,” she says.

Here are a few practices to try that improve emotional and physical closeness beyond initiating sex, she says.

• Increase eye contact: Sure, it feels “vulnerable or intense,” but that’s why it matters. Even just looking up when your partner enters the room matters.
• A 30-second hug and a 6-second kiss: That is how long Marin says research shows it takes our bodies to produce oxytocin, the love hormone. “You’ll actually be able to feel the exact moment that it gets released. It feels like your entire body letting out one big ‘Ahhhh.’”
• Gratitude: She calls it the #1 predictor of marital satisfaction. “One of the greatest tragedies of being in a relationship is choosing to spend your life with another person, but winding up feeling invisible to them.” Instead, ensure you are sharing your appreciation, such as “I saw that you took the trash out. Thank you.’ Or ‘Have I told you lately how much I love that ridiculous dance you do to cheer me up when I’m in a bad mood?’ she says.

Marin also shares in an interview with Mel Robbins that there is something very real called the “bristle response,” in which your body tightens up and you might even recoil when your partner touches you, because you sense they want more.

“We’ve become on guard to our partner’s touch… it leads to more. So we start cutting ourselves off from that touch, and it feels terrible.” She says the solution is to have your partner simply ask if they want to have sex verbally, so you can stop connecting all physical touch to a request for sex. This will allow more comfort in everyday non sexual touch, she instructs, increasing how likely each partner is to do it often.

With some open communication, changes to how you and your partner initiate sex, and increased non-sexual touch, you just might find flopping into bed after a busy day of parenting chaos is a relief — not one more thing (person?) to do.