Confession: One of the reasons I wanted to be one and complete was because I just didn’t really want to have a boy after having my girl. Nothing against boys! I love them! I married one! I just really didn’t think I could handle the emotional labor of raising a boy in this new, weird world we’re living in. It’s hard enough raising a girl. The risk of adding a boy into the mix just seemed way too daunting. This is kind of a weird thing to admit, I get it, because a lot of people have feelings about gender disappointment, AKA you need to keep your trap shut and not say a word if you’re bummed about having a boy or girl.
One mom opened up about her gender disappointment in an Instagram video that has now gone viral with a pretty mixed reaction.
In a video of her young son running into her arms, Instagram mom, Tiffany, wrote in text overlay on the video, “This is a mom who sobbed for days – devastated- after finding out she was pregnant with each boy.”
She continued in her caption, writing, “This is hard for me to share. Yes – babies are always a blessing. I knew that – logically. And I am aware that not everyone believes that gender defines a baby/person in any profound way. But for me – it absolutely did.”
“When I found out I was having boys – my heart shattered and the grief I felt seemed insurmountable. I felt so alone and ashamed. I’m sharing this because gender disappointment is often misunderstood as something shallow. Barbies or Dinos. But painful gender disappointment is rarely shallow and should not be judged. And if you have it – you are NOT a bad person or a bad mother. My gender disappointment stemmed from grieving a distinct vision that I had since childhood – of bonding with a daughter in the most intimate and feminine ways.”
She wanted girl mom life, and instead, she’s a boy mom.
“My visions of being a boymom were literally – empty. They were colored by experiences with nephews who didn’t share my interests or energy level. Also what knowledge of manhood could I pass on? I also lost my mother quickly before getting pregnant for the first time. And the gaping grief was exacerbated by what felt like the loss of my potential daughter(s),” she wrote.
“I felt like – what is the point of all of my womanly wisdom now? Who am I going to share my intimate female secrets with? I wish I could tell you when my boys were born that all of my gender disappointment went away. But it didn’t. You know why? Because the grief wasn’t actually about them… it was about that little girl who I feared would never arrive.”
She concluded, “So if you’re reading this, I want you to know that you are NOT alone. Your grief is real. And it’s valid. And it may not go away as soon as you expect or even when you want it to.But take a look at my face and my soul in this video. When I saw this video of myself I was so proud. Because this is a mama who felt her grief and has overcome that grief. She is now a fully present, fully invested, passionate, joyful boymom. And I promise you are capable of that too. ❤️”
Openly admitting this on the internet to millions of strangers is brave, and sure enough Tiffany was met with some criticism.
“I think a little disappointment is normal, but if it’s “insurmountable grief” maybe it’s time for therapy ❤️,” one user wrote.
“I absolutely don’t understand gender disappointment at all! My first child (my son) died when I was 22 weeks pregnant with him. I couldn’t imagine being disappointed and crying for days over a healthy baby that will most likely get to live!” another wrote.
Another said, “How about we normalize just being happy to have a healthy baby regardless of gender? There are thousands of people who would be overjoyed to be pregnant and have a child at all. A childs gender doesnt determine what they are capable of or what their childhood and life look like.”
One user wrote, “May this kind of mom never find me.”
“So after sobbing for the first one and then seeing they are not bad… You still keep the mindset that men or boys are not your fit? Sad,” one wrote.
Another said, “I hope your boys never see this video and caption. You are way too immature to be a mother. You want to be a “girl-mom” for selfish reasons…”
Despite the pushback, the OP was also validated in hundreds of comments from moms who totally understood her POV.
“I too wasn’t sad about having a boy, just sad that I never got to experience the mother/daughter relationship that my mom got to experience with me. What you are feeling is extremely valid,” one mom wrote.
Another said, “Literally going through this right now. I truly needed to see this, I’ve been feeling some serious guilt about the emotional roller coaster since finding out I was having a boy. I never pictured my life with a son. But here we are about to bring one into the world.”
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