Hi there! Are you a grandparent reading this article because your son or daughter or in-law sent it your way? Or maybe they just posted it on Facebook and you got suspicious after reading the headline? OK, welcome: this is indeed for you (and for parents who might want to send this someone’s way…) But don’t worry! We’re all here to have this important discussion together in the spirit of sharing information, with no judgment.
I know it doesn’t always seem like it, but parents are very aware of the important role grandparents play in our children’s lives. You are another source of love, comfort, wisdom, and fun! And we also know that grandparents like to spoil kids. But the push and pull of how much spoiling can take place can run the gamut from lightheartedly annoying to downright aggressive. Hopefully all parties can come to some kind of happy compromise, but at the end of the day, it’s the parents that get to make the final call. And Dee Dee More of More Than Grand recently explained why that’s the case and, specifically, why you shouldn’t try to skirt around that final word by asking your grandkids to keep even “harmless” secrets from their parents.
“Don’t be the grandparent who teaches your grandchild their first lesson in deception,” More begins in a video on TikTok. “Let me be clear: asking grandchildren to keep secrets from their parents crosses a line that should never be crossed.”
“Picture this: you give your grandchild an extra cookie and say ‘Don’t tell mommy!’ Seems harmless, doesn’t it? It’s not,” she continues. “Here’s why this is never OK — ‘Don’t tell Mommy’ is literally asking a child to lie to their parents. Children need to know that they can tell their parents anything, and you’ve just taught them the opposite.
“You’re also undermining the parent child relationship. A child’s safety can depend on open communication with their parents. Encouraging secret-keeping is exactly how predators operate; you don’t want to normalize that.
“The key is simple: respect parents’ rules. If you can’t do something openly, don’t do it at all. Your relationship with your grandchild should strengthen their family bonds, not weaken them. … Transparency builds trust. Secrecy destroys it.”
And it’s not just More who sees things this way. There were plenty of grandparents in the comments who highlighted the fact that it is possible to be a doting grandmom while respecting parents’ boundaries.
“Granny here,” said one. “Thank you for this. Safe adults do NOT ask children to keep secrets.”
“Even with my own kids, we never used the word secret. Secrets are bad. Surprises are good,” shared another. “I will never ask a child to not tell their parents something!
“I’m glad this is being talked about,” agreed a third. “I think people generally have good hearts, but they need to realize how damaging this is.”
“My grandson is just a baby,” said another. “But I plan on being a united front with his parents.”
We know you want what’s best for your grandbabies, and we know it’s important to you to have a special relationship with them. But that shouldn’t happen at the cost of their relationship with their parents. By encouraging them to keep secrets from their mom or dad, you are creating that dichotomy, even if you don’t mean to.
