Trump Calls Tiger Woods From Rehab, Melania Explains Epstein Statement

Saturday Night Live wasted no time parodying President Donald Trump’s polarizing Easter social media post about the Iran war.

The cold open kicked off with James Austin Johnson’s Trump discussing the wording of the post with Ashley Padilla’s Karoline Leavitt.

“Start with, ‘Open the f-ing Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in hell.’ And then at the end, maybe throw in, ‘Praise be to Allah,’” Johnson’s Trump said, which prompted Padilla’s Leavitt to reply, “You think I should type, ‘Praise be to Allah,’ and that’s from you, the President of the United States?”

“Yes, yes, Allah. It’s a sarcastic attack on the world’s largest religion,” he added. “They famously have a great sense of humor about that kind of stuff.”

“As your press secretary, this puts me in a tough position, sir,” Padilla’s Leavitt responded. “Oh, don’t worry about that, Karoline. Like I said to Pam Bondi and Kristi Noem right before I fired them, you’re doing a terrific,” he added.

Trump went on to “make some urgent phone calls” amid “a lot of important things happening in the world right now.” His first call was to none other than Tiger Woods (Kenan Thompson), whom he reached while he was in rehab.

“Hello Tiger, it’s Donald. Are you playing in the Masters this weekend?” he asked. “No, sir. I don’t know if you’ll remember, but I flipped my car and got a DUI,” the faux Woods explained.

“You should have told the cops we were friends. They would have let you off,” Johnson’s Trump said. “Well, I did, and they didn’t,” Woods said.

“If only there was something I could have done to help. Oh well, wanna play some golf?” added Johnson’s Trump. The parodied president received another call and joked that he didn’t recognize the number calling, and upon answering, it turned out to be his wife, Melania (played by Chloe Fineman), who was calling to get some advice on releasing a statement to say she was not one of Jeffrey Epstein’s victims.

“You’re calling me, that’s not a good sign,” he said upon answering and realizing his wife had called. “Listen, I decided I should do a big, random speech completely out of nowhere and say I am not Epstein victim. Is that good?” Fineman’s Melania asked.

“Darling, I gotta admit this sounds a little insane,” Johnson’s Trump said. “Who are you, me?”

Melania continued, “Well, it’s not just Epstein. I thought I could also say, ‘I, Melania Trump, in no way helped out the Gilgo Beach serial killer.’” Trump argued that would “make everyone way more suspicious,” to which Fineman responded, “What if I announce I barely partied with Diddy? Would that help?”

To close out the cold open, Johnson’s Trump called Pete Hegseth (Colin Jost) to speak about the Iran war, who offered an update: “Well, rest assured, sir, Iran is as obliterated as me every Saturday night, allegedly.” Jost’s Hegseth then inquired if he was “actually negotiating with these herbs?”

“You know what, don’t worry about the negotiations. I just heard they’re going really, really bad,” Johnson’s Trump said. “I sent in my secret weapon, JD Vance. After those Iranians spent 20 hours talking to JD, they said, ‘Please, sir, just go back to bombing us.’”