Parenting is a monumental responsibility and one of the most challenging and rewarding journeys in life. What many don’t realize before becoming parents is that the weight of parenting carries an extra burden—one that goes beyond physical demands. This unseen burden, known as the “mental load,” refers to the mental tasks of running a family. Things like the constant planning, managing, and decision-making are required to keep a household operating smoothly. Even when partnered, studies consistently indicate that mothers often bear the majority of the “mental load” when it comes to managing household responsibilities. Research shows that mothers take on about 71% of tasks that require mental effort, while fathers manage roughly 45%. This unequal distribution can result in stress, burnout, and negative impacts on women’s careers and relationships.
For single parents specifically, the mental load is heavier because it can never be put down and is something a single parent can’t get help with, which can feel overwhelming and isolating.
Understanding the Mental Load for Single Parents
The mental load encompasses a variety of tasks, from cleaning and scheduling to managing childcare, social relationships, maintenance, finances, and more. According to Certified Life Coach and LCSW Sonya Hamilton-Belletti, “The mental load for single parents is particularly heavy, as they are responsible for all aspects of household management, from chores to ensuring that their children’s social and educational needs are met.”
Hamilton-Belletti’s insights are backed by research, which indicates that having a partner significantly reduces the cognitive burden of domestic labor. For single parents, however, the absence of this partnership often means carrying the full mental load. In many cases, single parents, even those who co-parent, often shoulder most of these responsibilities.
“For some parents, the mental load is made even more taxing when expectations of a partner to share the burden are unmet. This disappointment can compound stress, as there is no recourse for support,” Hamilton-Belletti explains. Interestingly, for single parents who were already navigating the mental load alone during their relationship, the transition to full responsibility might feel less burdensome because they are accustomed to managing everything on their own. However, even for those who are used to carrying the mental load, the absence of shared responsibilities does take a toll.
The Impact of a Greater Mental Load on Children
The consequences of the mental load are not only felt by the parents but also by the children. Single parents often must be resourceful, and this means that children may take on more responsibilities than they would in two-parent households. Tasks like cleaning, cooking, and even managing their own schedules become part of the daily routine for many children in single-parent homes.
Hamilton-Belletti emphasizes the importance of being aware of the mental load carried by children in these situations. “Children, especially older ones, may develop a sense of responsibility that is beyond their years. They may worry about their parents’ well-being and try to avoid asking for help because they don’t want to add to the parents’ burden.” This is particularly true for children of single parents who work multiple jobs or have high-stress lives. The result is often a child who takes on too much responsibility, sacrificing their own childhood to help alleviate the stress their parent is experiencing.
But what happens when the mental load becomes too much for a single parent to manage alone? Angana Shah, a single mother by choice of a 9-year-old son, shares that for her, the hardest and most unexpected part of carrying the mental load as a single parent is the emotional burden, combating feelings of isolation, and the difficulty of finding balance. “The emotional burden of being the sole decision-maker, the provider, and the protector can leave little room for self-care or even a sense of balance. It’s difficult not to feel isolated when you don’t have a partner to share the load,” says Shah.
When single parents feel isolated, they often face increased stress and emotional fatigue due to the lack of support. Without a network of family or friends, they may struggle to manage the demands of parenting, work, and household responsibilities on their own. This isolation can lead to feelings of loneliness, burnout, and mental exhaustion, making it harder to maintain a healthy balance in their lives. The absence of social connections may also impact their well-being, affecting their physical and emotional health.
One of the most concerning impacts of the mental load on children, as Tulani Freeman, a school psychologist and single mother of a 16-year-old son, observes, is that children may internalize their parents’ stress. “My son has become more attuned to my mood as he gets older. He notices when I’m stressed or tired, and I worry that he sometimes thinks he’s the cause of it. This dynamic, while unintentional, can affect his mental health, too.”
Concrete Actions for Managing the Mental Load
Despite the overwhelming nature of the mental load, there are practical steps single parents can take to alleviate stress and prioritize their own well-being. Hamilton-Belletti offers several realistic strategies for single parents to refocus on self-care:
Shift the Mindset from Single to Solo
Single parents can reframe their mindset by thinking of themselves as “solo” parents rather than simply single. “The word ‘single’ is often tied to societal notions of loneliness and lack, whereas ‘solo’ represents strength and self-reliance. This shift can help parents feel empowered instead of burdened,” says Hamilton-Belletti.
Daily Check-Ins
Self-care begins with recognizing one’s own needs. Parents should check in with themselves daily, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Hamilton-Belletti advises, “A few moments of self-reflection can set the tone for the day and create space for bigger self-care routines without guilt.”
Delegate Age-Appropriate Tasks
While children should not bear the full responsibility for household tasks, delegating age-appropriate chores can help lighten the load. “As children grow, assign them tasks like loading the dishwasher or taking out the trash. This not only reduces your mental load but also teaches them valuable life skills,” says Hamilton-Belletti.
Build a Village
Angana Shah emphasizes the importance of creating a support network. Single parents can create a support network by reaching out to local community groups, engaging in online parenting forums, or connecting with friends and family to share resources and advice. “Building a community of friends, neighbors, and other parents who can help with pick-ups, playdates, and last-minute needs is crucial. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. The village is a lifeline,” says Shah.
Make Time for Yourself
Tulani Freeman highlights the importance of investing in hobbies that feel good, and emphasizes the necessity of carving out time for activities single parents can commit to, like reading, exercising, or engaging in creative pursuits that can provide a sense of fulfillment and wellness. “I’ve learned to carve out time for things that help me recharge, whether it’s a quick walk, yoga, or even a night out. Taking care of yourself is not a luxury, it’s a necessity,” says Freeman.
Create Family Guidelines
Establishing clear expectations and values can help make family life run more smoothly. Hamilton-Belletti recommends that single parents should “have a family meeting to discuss values, responsibilities, and routines. When everyone is on the same page, it reduces confusion and frustration.” Establishing expectations and values as a family helps create a shared understanding of what is important and how each family member contributes to the household. For example, creating family guidelines can lead to setting clear communication rules, defining household responsibilities, learning and establishing respect for boundaries, and prioritizing family time and togetherness.
Embracing Imperfection and Prioritizing Self-Care
The mental load for single parents is undeniable, but it doesn’t have to be an insurmountable burden. Small, consistent changes can make a world of difference in reducing stress and enhancing well-being. For single parents, the key is to prioritize self-care, build a supportive community, and recognize that perfection is not the goal. By taking care of themselves, parents model resilience and self-compassion for their children, creating a healthier environment for both.
“The best gift you can give your child is to show them that joy and self-care are just as important as responsibilities. When you’re okay, they will be okay,” advises Hamilton-Belletti.
