What Happens When Your Marriage Starts Feeling Like A “Situationship”?

Every married person has probably heard of the “roommate effect” — that not-so-great phenomenon where you realize you’re treating your spouse more like a roommate than someone you deeply love and connect with. It’s easy to see how it happens. Divvying up household chores, spending most of your evenings chasing after kids, stealing five minutes together in the hallway after bedtime before getting to everything else on your list — it’s a common complaint for a reason. But what if your marriage starts feeling like a “situationship”?

It’s a little different: A “situationship” is a slang word for a romantic relationship that has no clarity or identification. You’re not dating, you’re not exclusive, you’re not even really hook-up partners or friends with benefits; it’s just a thing that happens. It’s essentially a relationship with no commitment. And if your marriage starts resembling that, it might feel even worse than the “roommate” effect.

This one feels like it could be common, too. Maybe you still kiss your partner goodnight and text “I love you” when you’re on your way home from work or sit next to each other to catch up on TV — but you’re not really feeling connected. You’re doing all the “right” marriage things, but something just feels a little off. Where do you start? What do you do?

Luckily, getting reconnected with your partner doesn’t have to be as overwhelming as you think. “In marriage ‘situationships,’ couples are doing all the ‘right things’ to maintain their relationship, yet are missing that romantic or passionate spark they enjoyed in their earlier days. One scientifically-supported way to break out of this cycle is novel experiences,” says Dr. Hannah Holmes, clinical health psychologist. She says that studies have found that established couples who participated in “self-expanding activities” — in other words, novel activities like spontaneous road trips or learning a new skill together — led to greater relationship satisfaction and sexual desire.

Luckily, getting reconnected with your partner doesn’t have to be as overwhelming as you think. “In marriage ‘situationships,’ couples are doing all the ‘right things’ to maintain their relationship, yet are missing that romantic or passionate spark they enjoyed in their earlier days. One scientifically-supported way to break out of this cycle is novel experiences,” says Dr. Hannah Holmes, clinical health psychologist. She says that studies have found that established couples who participated in “self-expanding activities” — in other words, novel activities like spontaneous road trips or learning a new skill together — led to greater relationship satisfaction and sexual desire.

“Part of what makes even a healthy marriage feel stale is familiarity. New experiences allow each member of a couple to develop and grow as individuals, and in turn view their partner in a new light as well,” Holmes says. She also notes that numerous research studies support the benefits of self-disclosure on intimacy, satisfaction, and love between partners, including those in long-term relationships. “Even if you’ve known each other for a long time, there are always new things you can learn about your partner. One way to do this is to spend some time asking and answering questions. These can range from deep — ‘What’s something you’ve learned about yourself through our relationship?’ — to downright silly, like, ‘Would you rather swim in a pool of hot chocolate or float on a marshmallow cloud?'”

No matter what, Holmes says viewing yourself and your partner as dynamic, growing individuals who can continually get to know each other can help to spice things up. Just because you’ve been married for a long time doesn’t mean you have to live your life as one conjoint couple, and it doesn’t mean you can’t change things up every now and then. Even if you feel like you’re doing everything you’re supposed to do — routine date nights, eating dinner together, talking about your day — taking a step back to see if you’re feeling bored or complacent can help you keep your marriage as connected as you want it. Holmes says these feelings may be a sign that it’s time to break out of the routine and do some things together that are totally new to both of you.

“Boredom doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong; it’s normal for long-term relationships to get familiar and comfortable over time. But reinvigorating romance and passion in your marriage can add some joy and excitement into your day-to-day life.”