What Is A Default Friend & Are You Her In Your Own Social Circles?

By now, we’re all familiar with what it means to be the default parent: One parent, usually the mother, is saddled with the majority of the mental load of caring for the family, and is often the one the children default to when they need something. It’s so burdensome and likely to cause burnout that it’s even being acknowledged as a contributing factor — or a main driver — for divorces these days. But it’s also possible to be a default friend, the member of the group responsible for making sure hangouts happen, meal trains are organized, everyone is checked on, and more. So, what is a default friend exactly, and are you her? If so, can you get your friends to step up?

What is a default friend?

In most internet discourse, being the default friend means you’re never the first choice for your friend to hang out with. They’ll invite you to the concert they have two tickets for, but only after a few other friends have said they can’t go — those are the vibes. But what we’re talking about is being the default parent of the friend group. You’re the one initiating and organizing meetups, making the polls in the group chat to decide what weekend works best for everyone, and quietly letting everyone know when one friend is struggling so you can all show support.

And that role, on top of all your other responsibilities, can weigh heavily. “Being the default friend is exhausting because you’re constantly giving emotional energy without receiving it back in the same way,” says Noelani Sagapolutele, licensed clinical social worker and founder of Wa’a Collective, a network of Native Hawaiian, Pasifika, and Pacific Islander mental health professionals. “It creates resentment, burnout, and can actually damage your sense of self-worth. You start to wonder if people only want you around for what you provide, not for who you are. The hidden cost is that you lose touch with your own needs while managing everyone else’s emotions.”

Can you change your friend group’s dynamic?

Yes, it’s totally possible — with the right approach. Don’t test your friends, for example. Instead, speak up.

“Quietly withdrawing to see who notices is not the way,” says Katie Luman, a psychotherapist in Marietta, Georgia. “We are all responsible to communicate our needs and wants. Emotional maturity recognizes this and takes ownership of it. If some members of the friend group respond poorly it does not mean the ‘default friend’ needs to bend to their wants. If it for some reason really causes division in the group, then the group likely has some larger underlying relational dysfunction.”

“Authentic friendships should involve mutual care and reciprocity. You deserve relationships where the effort flows both ways,” adds Sagapolutele.

How To Talk To Your Friends About Your “Default Friend” Status

Much like talking to your partner about the load of being a default parent, explaining your feelings to your friends can be tough. How do you tell them you need to step up without sounding critical? You don’t have to have some big conversation about your feelings or burnout if you don’t want to. There are ways to make this simple.

“Try gradually shifting responsibilities. Maybe say, ‘I’m scaling back on organizing for a bit to focus on some other areas of my life. Would anyone be interested in planning our next get-together?’ Give your friends the opportunity to step up before assuming they won’t. Sometimes people fall into passive roles simply because someone else has always taken the lead,” Sagapolutele says.

Luman actually just experienced this in her own friend group and can attest to how well it went over. “The default planner and ‘leader’ in my friend group communicated that she was exhausted, and work and life were becoming so demanding that she really needed a space where she wasn’t expected to be in charge. The rest of the friend group rallied to support her. It was so important that she spoke up, though, because the rest of us would have continued to assume that she wanted to be the planner and enjoyed taking the lead,” she says.

Both experts suggest using “I” language when trying to work out issues in any relationship. “You never plan our hangouts” hits differently than “I’d like to take a step back from planning our hangouts,” you know? Here are some other scripts from Luman and Sagapolutele that may work for you:

• “I’ve been noticing that I do a lot of planning and initiating in my friendships and (insert at home or at work if it also applies), and I need to change that to reduce my stress level. If you notice me reaching out less or not being the one to initiate plans, please know that it’s not because I don’t want to see you. I would just really love to take the lead less often.”
• “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately with the amount of responsibilities I have. The next time we hang out, would you mind taking charge of the details?”
• “I’ve been reflecting on our friendship dynamics, and I’m wondering if we can talk about how we support each other. I notice I often find myself being the one to reach out and organize things, and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I’d love to find ways we can share this more.”

It’s important to give your friends the benefit of the doubt, Sagapolutele says. “Most people want healthy friendships, they just might not realize the imbalance has developed.” So, don’t hesitate to bring up your concerns with your friends. Chances are your default friend role developed without anyone doing it on purpose, and they’ll be glad to share the responsibilities of staying best friends.