As a kid, there’s nothing worse than your parents arguing, especially after they’ve already split up and you thought they’d finally stop. But if you and your ex still can’t get along, how are you supposed to actually reduce the conflict for your kids’ sake (and your own)? Well, that’s where parallel parenting comes in. We asked family therapy experts what parallel parenting is, who it’s right for, and how to establish it with your coparent moving forward.
What is parallel parenting?
Parallel parenting is a style of co-parenting when two separated parents raise their kids with as little direct contact as possible, according to Amy Armstrong, LISW, conflict resolution specialist and co-parent coach at The Center For Family Resolution. “Instead of trying to coordinate every detail or parent the same way, each person handles things their own way in their own home. It can really help calm things down rather than heated disagreements and constant aggravated communication,” she says.
Parallel parenting aims to get kids out of the middle of high-conflict situations. Like anything in life, it has its pros and cons.
“The biggest pro for this dynamic is that it protects kids from being exposed to ongoing conflict. They’re not caught in the crossfire,” says Viviana McGovern, LMFT, CEO and clinical director at Full Vida Therapy. “It also allows each parent to show up in the way that works best for them. The downside is that it can create more disjointed experiences between homes because of different rules and different routines, which can be confusing if the parents aren’t aligned at all. Kids may also pick up on the distance or lack of warmth between their parents, so it’s important to offer reassurance and emotional safety no matter the structure.”
Similar to birdnesting, parallel parenting is sort of a new term for talking about one of the many ways of coparenting after divorce. So, what does parallel parenting look like in practice, exactly?
Examples Of Parallel Parenting Boundaries
There are three major categories you and your co-parent need to sort through now in order to reduce your contact later and still be able to parallel parent successfully, Armstrong says. Here’s her plan of action:
- Have a clear parenting plan with a list of boundaries to follow. Lay out a detailed custody schedule with exact days, times, and locations for exchanges. Choose a neutral location for exchanging your kids, and include information about grace periods and how each parent should communicate if they are running late or can’t make it. Include holidays, school breaks, vacations, and special events. Define how you want to exchange your child’s belongings. Will clothes go back and forth with the kid, or will each parent have their own wardrobe for the child at their house? What about sports equipment, and who is responsible for washing gear and uniforms?
- Use written communication only, whether you opt for email or apps like OurFamilyWizard. No phone calls or in-person discussions are permitted unless they’ve been previously agreed upon. Talk only about your child, and keep the communication neutral, brief, and fact-based.
- Decide who will make decisions in which major areas of the child’s life — think medical care, education, and extracurricular activities. Will each parent decide independently when the child is with them, or does one parent have sole authority over some or all domains? Determine how information about these decisions will be shared, including how you will notify each other of emergencies or big changes.
Yes, setting up a parallel parenting agreement is a ton of admin upfront, but you and your kids will be so happy you did it — even if it’s really hard to relinquish control over what the other parent does.
“It’s worth the time to get a specific parenting plan, as well as a safety net plan for what happens if the plan is not followed. Once a solid parallel plan is in place, parents find relief that they won’t have the other parent constantly nagging or suggesting how they should run their household,” says Armstrong. “When folks are successful with parallel parenting, it aids with the healing of each individual and even helps make new relationships successful without the constant interference from the other parent.”
Who is parallel parenting right for?
Seeing their parents support each other is always the best thing for the kids, says Tammy Gold, LCSW, licensed therapist and certified parent coach, but sometimes it’s simply not possible. “There are healthy people who fight to fix and communicate, and unhealthy people who fight to wound. If your co-parent has any toxic, emotionally immature, or unhealthy traits that serve no positive purpose other than wound, blame, or shame, you cannot be friends with that parent,” she says.
Parallel parenting can be helpful if your ex has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or similar traits, Gold says. (Note that it is rare for someone with NPD to be diagnosed, as they are not likely to seek treatment.) If you and your ex can’t co-parent without being hostile, or either party is being manipulative or violating boundaries, it is worth trying parallel parenting to reduce the conflict for your kids, McGovern says.
How long you parallel parent depends on your situation. “It can be a temporary stop on the way to cooperative co-parenting, or a permanent solution for parents who have power struggles or trouble with boundaries in their relationship,” says Armstrong.
Ultimately, parallel parenting may not be your ideal version of co-parenting, and your kids may wish your relationship with your ex was different. But sometimes, it’s just the healthiest option for everyone involved, McGovern says. “It helps to accept that you don’t have to agree on everything; you just need to be consistent and stable in your own home.”
