It began as a typical Tuesday evening for *Beth Smith. After giving her two kids dinner, a bath, and tucking them in, she went downstairs to the home office computer to research ideas for a summer family vacation. While her husband, *Steven, was out with a client, Beth figured it was a perfect opportunity to get a jump start on their itinerary.
After 10 minutes of combing through different travel sites, Beth went to the menu bar to bookmark a resort that piqued her interest, but instead of saving it, she inadvertently clicked the history tab. What popped on the screen immediately paralyzed her. Divorce attorneys, asset protection, custody agreements, and apartments for rent a few towns over from where they lived. Beth went numb and felt sucker-punched because she had no inkling Steven wanted out. She and Steven had their ups and downs, Beth says, but divorce?
Virginia DeLuca, author of the book, If You Must Go, I Wish You Triplets, can relate to having a divorce coming out of left field. On May 14, 2014, her husband of nine years sent a bizarre text saying he would be staying at a hotel instead of coming home because, after much consideration, he decided he wanted to father children with a younger woman since this was Beth’s second marriage and her shop was closed. When Virginia’s husband returned the next morning, he packed his bags, said he was filing for a divorce, and left.
Dr. Jenn Mann, author of The Relationship Fix: Dr. Jenn’s 6-Step Guide to Improving Communication, Connection & Intimacy, tells Scary Mommy, “In Beth’s case, different couples have different agreements when it comes to privacy and their computers or devices. If you’re part of a relationship that has total transparency, then by all means, look and then discuss what you discover. If you spot something that concerns you,” Mann says. “You should be able to talk to your spouse directly, ask questions, and propose couples therapy to work through the issues, communicate better, and work on improving the marriage.”
Beth chose not to share what she saw and carry on as usual because Steven controlled the finances, and if a divorce was imminent, Beth was at a huge disadvantage.
And that’s a reasonable concern, says Donna LaScala, a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) and president of Comprehensive Divorce Solutions. She tells Scary Mommy, “If you suspect your spouse wants a divorce, get a leg up by getting educated about your finances because knowledge is power, and understanding the numbers can help you advocate for what you are legally entitled to during the divorce and negotiation process.” LaScala advises people to make a list of all the marital and separate assets, annual income from paychecks, bank accounts, investments, and any/all debts incurred from credit cards, loans from a bank, college, and the latest mortgage statement.
Another important item that often gets overlooked? Having a copy of the annual tax return. Jim DeMinno a certified public accountant (CPA) and author of Write It Off, tells Scary Mommy, “Your tax return can reveal a lot of things you never knew existed, such as foreign bank accounts and where they’re located, how much money was earned from any/all brokerage accounts plus any/all digital currency and where it can be found.” If a couple files a joint return, DeMinno adds, “You can request a copy from the CPA, and the law states they must give it to you.”
When it comes to the financial portion of a divorce, people are baffled at how extensive, time-consuming, and detailed this is. Daryl Weinman an attorney and author of the book Your Post-Divorce Journey, tells Scary Mommy, “People need to put together a family budget that details the monthly expenses for the home, car payments, food, gas, insurance, medical and dental expenses, clothing, dry cleaning, shoes, cell phone, extra-curricular activities, childcare, entertainment, travel, and then be prepared to individually itemize them on a legal document called [the] Statement of Net Worth. It’s tedious,” Weinman says, adding, “But necessary during the divorce process because it gives the lawyers or mediator a thorough snapshot of the family’s lifestyle.”
Here’s another element that attorney Alex Sklavos urges clients to jump on: Make hard copies of every utility bill, credit card statement, bank balance, save receipts, and put them in a folder. “Not only does it back-up and prove what you spend money on,” says Sklavos, but also, “If you suspect your spouse is having an affair and splurging on a lover, these statements prove wrongful behavior and serve as evidence that 50% of that marital waste needs to be reimbursed to you.”
During their 10-year marriage, Beth and Steven resided in New York, and, according to the law, New York is an equitable distribution state. That means everything they accumulated will be divided fairly, including the couple’s 4000 square foot suburban home. “Of all the marital assets,” Sklavos tells Scary Mommy, “The house is always the centerpiece and, if played right, it can be used as a buyout to offset other valuables such as a pension or a retirement account.”
The trick to getting a fair shake in a divorce lies with the team you build around you, because they act as your advocate to ensure you get the best possible outcome under the circumstances. Before retaining legal counsel, Weinman suggests finding someone specializing in divorce/family law and researching if they’re well-versed with the local court and judges in your jurisdiction.
During the initial consultation, Weinman recommends bringing in a list of questions so you are aware of the firm’s retainer fees, billing policy, how they charge, timeframe to returning phone calls or emails, their level of experience dealing with matters such as yours, and other professionals they suggest you work with such as a financial advisor, business valuation expert, child psychologist, mortgage lender, CDFA, CPA or a forensic accountant if you think your spouse is hiding money.
Two months later, Steven confirmed what Beth already suspected: He wanted a divorce. As she stared into the bathroom mirror before beginning her morning routine, Beth became petrified at the harsh reality of starting over, financially going it alone, putting the house up for sale, becoming a single mom, facing the neighbors and other parents.
Marisa Peer, a renowned therapist and author of the book Ultimate Confidence: The Secrets To Feeling Great About Yourself Everyday, tells Scary Mommy, “You’re stronger than you think and one of the fastest ways to stay calm is to breathe deeply and speak kindly to yourself, because the words you say have more power than anything else.”
Other tricks Peer teaches clients who are going through or recovering from a divorce include, taking daily walks, keeping a journal, doing meditation, giving yourself permission to feel everything because your emotions are valid, and remembering you are not broken — you’re simply going through a transition, and you will come out stronger.
*Name changed to protect the identity of the subject
