What To Say To Someone Who Has Experienced a Miscarriage

Trigger warning.

A miscarriage is heartbreaking. I experienced a missed miscarriage before the birth of my third child, Florence, where I only discovered I had lost my baby during scan at 10 and a half weeks pregnant. My earlier scan at 7 weeks had been healthy and normal. I felt a failure, that my body had let me down. Had let my baby down. What followed was distressing, mentally and physically. The experience of requiring pessaries to release the baby and then surgery ultimately was a devastating time. I was exhausted, depressed and at 39 at the time, concerned I might never have another baby.

Thoughtful words, friends who dropped off cakes, or sent cards by post really helped offer me some comfort during that time. As my miscarriage occured in November, two friends sent me angel wing Christmas decorations in memory of my little lost baby. I still hang those on the tree every year and always will.

Some people made insensitive comments and completely unintentionally which was the catalyst to me writing this post. Below is a brief guide to help others support their friends or family members who have experienced loss.

Please do say something, over nothing. It is already an isolating time for the couple going through this tragedy, the last thing anyone wants is to feel ghosted by those who are meant to care. Of course, it can be triggering time for others too, but even a thoughtful text is enough to let someone know that you’re thinking of them.

Firstly I’ll begin with what is best not to say:

‘At least you know you can conceive now’-this offers no comfort when your baby, the baby you loved so much, and had imagined a life with, is gone.

‘Thank goodness you have other children’-a loss of a child is a loss of a child whether it’s your first baby, or fifth or more.

‘Just try again’-you don’t know if that person would want to try again after loss and it is not your place to offer this advice. That is for the couple at hand to decide and trying again doesn’t eradicate the grief of losing a child. I spent my subsequent pregnancy consumed with anxiety and I will always grieve the baby who couldn’t stay.

‘It might be your age/ health/ partner’s issue’-leave those discussions to medical professionals who should handle them sensitively.

‘Having this baby just wasn’t meant to be’-again, not helpful.

What you could say instead to offer comfort,

‘I’m so deeply sorry and I’m here for you’.

‘Please know your baby’s DNA scientifically lives on, within you always’.

‘I’m devastated about the passing of your baby, I’m sending love’.

‘I’m so sorry you are going through this difficult time, what can I do for you?‘ then include examples if you are able to help such as, ‘Could I collect the kids from school…Drop off dinner for you…Look after your pet’ etc.

Some couples will experience multiple losses. Please don’t go silent because their experience is not a ‘one-off’. Know that every loss is heartwrenching mentally and physically. Losing a baby takes time to recover from, hormones are unbalanced and physical and mental health is affected.

I hope this post was useful and if you have discovered it after suffering the loss of your baby, I am so deeply sorry.

Please find more useful resources on the Miscarriage Association’s site.