When Do You Phase Out Family Dinners?

When I was growing up, family dinners were extremely important. Every night, my dad got home from work by seven and my mom had a home-cooked meal ready to go. That’s not to say there weren’t nights when, say, a play rehearsal kept me away, or my brothers skipped because they were at a friend’s house. But on the whole, it was very much expected that we would be in our seats ready to have half an hour of family togetherness a day… but for how long is that a reasonable expectation? One Redditor recently took to the site’s popular Parenting message board to ask how, and when, to stop the nightly dinner ritual.

Redditor u/CartographerPlus9114 (we’ll simply call them “Cartographer” to keep it less fussy), explains that they’ve been cooking dinners for their family for the past 20 years more or less every day. “I’m good at it too,” they explain with pride. “Good ingredients and healthy meals are important to us, and most of the time I enjoy the hands-on aspect of making the meal, the emotional payback of bringing everyone together and providing this sustenance.”

But the rewarding feeling of this hard work has begun to dim in the past year.

“My late teens often opt out of what I’ve cooked due to not liking it or their schedule,” they explain. “I get lots of whining and complaining too.”

To make matters worse, Cartographer’s wife doesn’t get home until later in the evening, and requires a little time to decompress, pushing back mealtimes by an additional 10 to 20 minutes, “All the while I’ve perfectly timed having the meal out of the oven/skillet and on the table within minutes of her arrival,” the note bitterly.

“When everyone likes the food and they are all around at the right time it’s magic,” they explain, “but those dinners only happen a few times a month. I feel like more and more I put in a lot of effort and thought and it’s legitimately hard but rewarding work – but it’s not so rewarding anymore.”

Nevertheless, letting go of this caregiving role is proving difficult. So… what’s to be done?

Cartographer got a lot of good advice in the comments section that largely broke down into three basic strategies…

Cut back on how often you cook

This strategy allows the spirit of family dinner and showing love through caregiving, but adapting it to family members who have become less dependent and busier. If family dinners aren’t expected every night — but, say, one, two, or three times a week — the family wouldn’t take them for granted and would be more inclined to make the time to really enjoy them.

Push dinner to a later time

True, Cartographer doesn’t like to eat late, but it could be a viable compromise if a big part of the problem is schedule conflicts. Instead of eating at 7, push dinnertime to 8. It’s late, but certainly not unheard of, especially for families with older kids.

Split up cooking duties

After all, the kids are teens: if they’re not capable now, they will be after practice. This not only allows them to have some control over the menu to suit their (apparently picky) tastes, but it will give them a valuable life skill and added appreciation for all of Cartographer’s work over the years.

True, all of these ideas revolve around altering the erstwhile beloved tradition significantly, and that can be hard when it’s such an ingrained act of service and deeply felt way of showing love and care. But as the most popular comment reads, “Life changes and adaptation is a must if we want to come out the other side.”