When My Friends Hang Out, I’m Left Refereeing All Our Kids

Ask Scary Mommy is our weekly advice column wherein Scary Mommy editors and guest editors — fellow moms like you — will answer your burning questions. You can send all of your questions and conundrums about parenting, family, and relationships to askscarymommy@bdg.com (don’t worry — we’ll keep you anonymous!).

What happens when your parenting approach doesn’t match the parenting approach of your friends? It’s a question that most of us have had to ask at one point or another in our kids’ development, especially when you have to make decisions based on a group of kids instead of just your family.

This week, we’re talking about a specific example: when a few families get together, how closely should the parents be watching the kids? And if you think it’s more than the other parents, should you be left with the referee whistle while everyone else enjoys their summer rosé and adult conversation? Let’s dive in.

Dear Scary Mommy,

What should I do if my friends and I have different ideas about supervising our kids at group hangs? I feel like they might think I’m a helicopter parent, but our kids are still little (around 4-5), and when there are a lot of them together, little tiffs about sharing or whose turn it is come up a lot.

I usually end up refereeing most of them because the other parents don’t check in much. Should I back off and let the kids handle it themselves, or do I need to ask my friends to keep a closer eye? How would I even begin to bring that up? I’m just tired of having a bad time at group get-togethers.

— Referee Mom

Dear Referee Mom,

When I got divorced, I was often worried that my ex wasn’t following my parenting rules or raising my kids just the way I liked it when he had our kids at his house. And my therapist said something really freeing to me: As long as the kids are healthy and safe there, they are going to be okay. And I did know that they were healthy and safe with him, even if he wasn’t doing things exactly right. It really lifted a burden off my shoulders. I had plenty of time to parent my kids when I had them — to guide them, feed them exactly the right thing, make sure they were thriving, teach them manners — and as long as I felt comfortable with their general health and safety when they were gone, everything would be fine in the long run.

I think that this lesson can be applied to your situation. When the kids are at these group hangs you describe, are they healthy and safe? At 4 and 5 years old, I would worry about them being safe in their environment (pools, guns, falls, other hazards, etc.) more than anything else. And then on the next level, I’d worry about serious fighting or bullying. But other than that, I think that you should embrace them learning to be social in a group with only as much interference as needed to meet that “healthy and safe” guideline. It might be difficult to see little tiffs and disagreements. But if it doesn’t reach a physical harm level or bullying level, see how it plays out before jumping in.

And remember: this isn’t just about your kids learning independence and social interaction away from you. It’s also about you getting some time away from your kids to connect with adults. Your kids should respect this friend time, and you can teach and show them that it’s good for everyone to have “play dates,” including you.

For all of this to be successful, I do think you need to have two conversations: one with the grown-ups and one with the group of kids. When talking to the grown-ups, I think establishing a level of supervision, framed within the “healthy and safe” guideline, is really important. Maybe agreeing that the kids should be within sight and that people could take turns checking in at intervals. If you have 4 adults checking in on the kids every 10 minutes, you are still sitting down enjoying your rosé in 30-minute blocks.

For the kids’ conversation, explain any general rules and give them a list of reasons that it might be appropriate to seek out an adult — this is often how teachers run recess, and I think it works well. If someone isn’t sharing, that’s something the kids can try to solve. If someone is hitting, an adult needs to intervene.

Finally, one of the best things my friend group ever did was collectively decide that we could discipline each other’s kids. We sat down and agreed on a few general parameters, and that was it. Being able to “parent” all of the kids in the group makes group hangs way easier and also builds a really good sense of community. I can trust my village, and my village can trust me.

— Scary Mommy

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If it’s not obvious by the end of this article, we are not doctors or lawyers. Please don’t interpret any of the above information as legal or medical advice — go see the professionals for that!