We want our children to know they are magical in every way. They’re smart, resourceful, witty, funny, kind, and, of course, beautiful. But how we tell them these things also matters, and life coach and TikTok creator Rachelle Indra recently shared a nuance that changed the way she thought of offering compliments to girls: “Tell your daughters they’re beautiful when they’re being authentic — tell them they look fancy when they’re getting dressed up. “
Indra explains that she was a stepmom at one point, and she recalled a time when her stepdaughters were dressed in princess dresses with a full beat and coiffed hair.
“They were coming down the stairs, and I remember I was about to be like ‘Well don’t you look beautiful!’ But my sister-in-law jumped in and said ‘Wow! You guys look so fancy!’”
Later, after the wee princesses were out of earshot, she talked to Indra about her reasoning for the subtle shift.
“When your daughters are trying a new sport or doing their homework or don’t have any makeup on, or are just existing, and being authentically them, that’s when you tell them they are beautiful.”
Because that way they know they’re beautiful as they are, for more than just getting gussied up. But that said, that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with wearing pretty outfits and putting those hair and makeup skills to good use.
“It’s important when a woman makes an effort and is doing something and trying something to acknowledge it,” she continues. “And so when they get dressed up it’s a good acknowledgement to say ‘Oh you look fancy!’ because you’re acknowledging the effort that they put in, but that’s not the time to tell them that they are beautiful. Because that changes their brain chemistry to believe that they’re only beautiful when they are dressed up.”
Commenters loved this concept, and some have apparently been employing a version of it for some time.
“Is this why I can’t accept my husband calling me beautiful when I’m just existing and not dressed up?” asks one. (Babe, the Patriarchy has hurt us all…)
“Whenever my daughter asks why I’m putting make-up on I tell her it’s because I want to feel fancy,” says another. (Exquisite technique. No notes.)
“Proud mom moment when my middle said ‘I wanna wear a dress so I’m pretty!’ and my eldest immediately went ‘You’re ALWAYS pretty. Your dress just makes you fancy!’’” said one. (You love to see it.)
It’s just a great reminder that what we say matters, and so does how we say it.
