Mother’s Day is a tricky day for a lot of people, and for one Reddit user, u/InitialSong2898 (we’ll call her Song), this year was a bit of a doozy. So much so that she had to take to the platform to ask “Am I The Assh*le?”
Song is a mother of adult children, all married. Her son is married to a woman named Jenny who struggles with infertility (she clarifies in the comments that this is a medical issue for Jenny) and the pair do not have children. But Jenny and Song’s son do have a lot of love to give to their dogs. “Jenny always made comments that her two dogs are the first grandkids,” Song explains. “I always thought it was a joke.”
Song didn’t have a chance to see her children — her son and Jenny, plus another son and a daughter — on Mother’s Day (“That’s fine,” she says, “they are starting their own families.” Honestly? Whatever you think of what follows this is a green flag.) But she still wanted to share some love and so sent her pregnant daughter-in-law and daughter, a new mom, Mother’s Day baskets. (Another green flag, IMHO!)
“My daughter posted a picture in the group chat of everything she got for Mother’s Day and included the basket,” Song continues. “My other [daughter-in-law] also thanked me for her basket in the chat.”
And that’s where things started getting awkward. Apparently, Jenny called Song to ask where her basket was: she is, after all, a dog mom, and her dogs are Song’s first grandchildren.
“I told her she is not a mother,” Song continues. “Mother’s Day is for women that raise human children and not pet owners. She got really upset and cursed me out for not getting her a basket and that she is a parent.”
Now, her son is calling her a jerk for not sending Jenny anything and for calling her a “pet owner.” He is telling Song to apologize and send a Mother’s Day basket.
Needless to say, the comments were awash in opinions: more than 5,000 as of press time, and most came down on the side of “NTA” or “Not The Assh*le.”
“I understand that her infertility might be hard for her and she loves her dogs, but at the end of the day it really doesn’t make her a mother,” says the most upvoted comment. “While people may love their pets (I love my dog), the reality is they aren’t children.”
“I dealt with infertility for years and if my mom or MIL had sent me a gift for Mother’s Day I would have felt it was an insult or prank, even as a pet owner,” reads another. “I probably would have also felt sad to see my in-laws with gifts on a day that hurt already, but I wouldn’t expect my MIL to be the one to make me feel better.”
But that NTA judgment wasn’t unanimous.
“The way this post was written makes it seem like you very intentionally excluded [Jenny] because she annoys you and you wanted to send the message: your dogs aren’t babies, it’s ridiculous you think that,” reads another. “It’s just tacky and very mean girl vibes. … YTA [You’re The Assh*le] because you didn’t innocently exclude her. It was intentionally meant to remind her that her inability to birth living children means she is not really a mother.”
“God you suck,” agrees a second. “You have no idea how hard infertility is. She knows her pets aren’t her kids but you could have done something nice and include her so she doesn’t feel more empty and broken on a day that is incredibly painful for people with infertility. Then to say she is not a mom is just so uncalled for. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for this but you purposely excluded someone you know is struggling with infertility. You’re not the AH for not saying her dogs were kids but YTA for going out of your way to make her feel small and excluded when you KNOW she is dealing with infertility. It costs nothing to be kind. You could have sent her a basket and a card that says motherhood comes in different ways.”
Others offered more nuance: stating that she wasn’t wrong, but that she could have handled the fall out a bit better. This is where I fall — 85% NTA and 15%… not YTA but maybe just “DB.” “Do Better.”
Look, this one is on its face pretty ridiculous, but goes deep. It feels clear to me that Jenny is likely bringing all of her sadness and pain about her infertility and the complicated feelings she has about Mother’s Day onto this basket that she didn’t get on account of her dog children. I can also very easily see Jenny not fully appreciating that that’s what’s going on because the feelings are really too big to wrap her brain around.
Was Song wrong for not getting her a Mother’s Day gift? Absolutely not. Dogs are great, but they aren’t babies and having a dog isn’t the same as having a human child. But should she have realized that Jenny was probably going to need to be treated with kid skin gloves in light of her circumstances? I think so. It’s a tough day for a lot of people including those who want children and can’t have them.
