How Can I Stop Taking My Husband’s Anger Personally?

Ask Scary Mommy is our weekly advice column wherein Scary Mommy editors and guest editors — fellow moms like you — will answer your burning questions. You can send all of your questions and conundrums about parenting, family, and relationships to [email protected] (don’t worry — we’ll keep you anonymous!).

This week on Ask Scary Mommy, we’re tackling a relationship issue. And it’s one that basically every person in an intimate, long-term relationship has to deal with at one point or another: How do we deal with the strong emotions of the other person? How do we react, how do we process, and how do we parse out which emotions are directed toward us and which emotions are just happening near us. Let’s get to our question!

Dear Scary Mommy,

How do I not take all of my husband’s anger personally? He gets mad at random crap. When he gets angry, as we all do, I take it like it’s my fault.

What triggered this question was our dog got excited and jumped into their dog food bowl, spilling food all over. I swept up what I could but missed some. He went to clean the rest that I missed. He got mad he had to crawl over something to get to it. I took it personally when in fact it wasn’t a big deal — and it was his equipment he had to crawl over.

— Absorbing Anger

Dear Absorbing Anger,

Let’s break down this issue into two parts: assessing whether your husband might have anger issues that need addressing independently of you, and then tackling what you can do when he (or anyone) is having strong emotions in your vicinity that you don’t want to personally take on.

First up, Issue 1: it’s really important to determine if your husband’s anger is inappropriate or unmanageable. because while, like you said, we all get angry, it’s important to understand where anger is coming from and channel it in healthy ways. Here are a few questions to ask (and that he should ask himself) to find out if he may have anger management issues to tackle:

• Is your anger affecting your relationships?
• Is your anger hurting others?
• Is your anger frequent?
• Is your anger difficult to control?
• Do you feel easily irritated or frustrated?
• Do you have difficulty calming down?
• Is your anger paired with self-hatred or shame?

Obviously, only he can really answer these questions — but it does stand out to me that having an angry outburst while cleaning up some kibble might be an over-reaction unless it was paired with other frustrations during the day. I also wonder if it could be said that his anger is harming others and affecting his relationships if this is causing issues for you.

Next, let’s discuss Issue 2: that you don’t want to take his anger personally.

I think this is such an issue for mothers, parents, and caregivers. Women are socialized to take responsibility for the emotions of the people around them, and it sucks. Women are also socialized to manage the emotions of their loved ones, particularly the people that they care for, including their partners, children, and parents.

As you might guess, this is a huge and unfair burden to carry. It’s also a difficult pattern to break (and please, if anyone knows how to completely stop either of these things, do let us know).

With that being said, there are a few things you can do to recognize and curb the behavior.

Recognize that while you can influence how someone else feels, you are not responsible for how they express their feelings. If someone gets mad and decides to yell, break things, or generally ruin everyone’s day, that’s not on you even if you could have been a factor in the anger.

Secondly, to stop taking his anger personally, you first need to recognize if you feel like you are responsible for his feelings in general. Are you constantly checking in on him or trying to make sure he’s happy? Do you feel like you walk on eggshells around him? Here, it’s going to be central to shift your focus from his feelings and actions to your feelings, your environment, and your self-worth. It’s not easy work, but it’s vital.

Finally, it’s important to communicate to your husband how his anger makes you feel. You absolutely can just tell him, “When you get angry, I have trouble not taking it personally.” You might be surprised at the conversation and change can come from that.

And if he gets angry when you say that? Well, go back and revisit Issue 1.

Lastly, it goes without saying: If you feel physically unsafe, emotionally abused, or in danger, get out of the situation immediately.

— Scary Mommy

Have a situation that you’re not sure how to resolve? Write Ask Scary Mommy to get answers from real parents who’ve been there.

If it’s not obvious by the end of this article, we are not doctors or lawyers. Please don’t interpret any of the above information as legal or medical advice — go see the professionals for that!