How Much Control Should Kids Have Over Their Birthday Invite List?

Ask Scary Mommy is our weekly advice column wherein Scary Mommy editors and guest editors — fellow moms like you — will answer your burning questions. You can send all of your questions and conundrums about parenting, family, and relationships to [email protected] (don’t worry — we’ll keep you anonymous!).

When it comes to kids and parenting, there is no more confusing etiquette than birthday party etiquette — there are so many unspoken rules, regional differences, and school policies that it’s hard to know what’s completely accepted behavior and what’s seen as weird, presumptuous, or even rude. Can siblings come? How do you request no presents? Are goodie bags good or bad?

This week we have a really great question from a mom with a tough birthday problem: once you have tweens, how much control should they have over the invite list? And how much control should you wield? What do you do about those obligatory invites that don’t thrill either you or your child?

Dear Scary Mommy,

My youngest child — turning 11 — is making a list for their birthday party at the end of the month. In the past, they have found themselves overwhelmed by large parties and so we like to keep things small. As we’re building a list of friends to invite, I suggested “Tanner,” a boy who invited them to his party last year and whose mother I am pretty good friends with. My child was hesitant, which puts me in a somewhat tricky position: I don’t want to be rude by not reciprocating the invite, especially since Tanner’s mother and I hang out, but I don’t want to force my child to invite anyone they don’t want to. Help!

— Reluctant Party Planner

Dear Reluctant Party Planner,

I feel like birthday invitation discomfort is something that will follow us through our whole lives — I, a 44-year-old woman, literally just had a party where I had to navigate what to do about two friends who don’t get along, whether or not to ban dogs (I live in a town where people bring their dogs everywhere and I have very frightened rescue cats), whether to invite one or both members of a divorced couple who still get along pretty well… but not amazingly well.

The point is: the social conundrums that come with party planning and invitations will never go away, so why not have your kid learn this early? I think that since they are (about to be) 11, it’s time for them to start learning invite etiquette, and the fact that the answers to invite questions often aren’t black and white. I would present them with the facts that you told us: Tanner invited you to his party last year. And Tanner’s family are family friends. Do you think we should invite Tanner?

Now the ball is in their court. If they decide to invite Tanner, that’s great. If they decide not to, I’d say that’s also their choice. It’s also your choice whether or not to tell Tanner’s family any extra info that might soften the blow — your kid is, as you said, trying to keep things small this year.

More generally speaking, with tween party invites, it’s a good idea to give your child some guidelines and input for invitations but ultimately by the time they reach double-digits, they should have the people at their party that they care about. For example, you might tell your kid that they can have a sleepover party limited to five kids or a daytime party at the local pool limited to 12 kids. You might also remind them about friends who have consistently invited them to their parties in the recent past, kids who might have ruined parties in the past, or kids that might feel left out if not invited.

When it comes to party invites, you want to be thoughtful, empathetic, and fair. But you also want to remember that at the end of the day, it’s your party to celebrate your special day and you should be surrounded by the people who care about you most.

— Scary Mommy

Have a situation that you’re not sure how to resolve? Write Ask Scary Mommy to get answers from real parents who’ve been there.

If it’s not obvious by the end of this article, we are not doctors or lawyers. Please don’t interpret any of the above information as legal or medical advice — go see the professionals for that!