You know that feeling — it’s Sunday at 5 p.m., and you’ve been home with the kids bouncing off the walls all weekend long. You can feel the crumbs on the kitchen floor with your bare feet. The dishes in the sink smell like last night’s tacos. You can hear the dog licking her paws in the next room. Your partner walks in and lovingly wraps their arms around your waist. And all you want to do is scream.
After my son was born, I learned very quickly what overstimulation felt like — that sense of anxiety-slash-rage-slash-panic that slowly climbs all day long with every kid shriek, annoying sing-song TV show, and ping of the instant message system on your work computer. We all experience it from time to time, but parents are subjected to it all the time, especially when we’re parenting through the toddler and preschool years.
For a while, I thought it was just pure exhaustion that left me so deflated at the end of the day, but being tired didn’t explain why the thought of being touched, talked to, or interacted with at all felt so bad. After my son’s bedtime, I would just crash. It made me feel like a horrible partner because intimacy became nearly impossible, and understandably, it wasn’t always easy for my husband and me to navigate.
I’m certainly not alone in feeling “touched out” at the end of the day. Google Trends data shows searches including the term have been steadily rising over the last 15 years, with a major increase from 2019 to today. And on pretty much any parenting subreddit, there’s no shortage of posts discussing the physical, mental, and emotional toll of overstimulation.
What causes parents’ overstimulation?
In short, our brains weren’t meant to do everything we’re expected to do these days. “When we spend the day responding to needs — whether it’s a child, work demands, texts, car noises, or physical closeness — we don’t just get tired; our nervous system gets overwhelmed. Constant stimulation, especially when it involves touch or is emotionally charged, can make closeness feel less like connection and more like invasion. At a certain point, it stops feeling good and starts feeling like too much,” says Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, PMH-C, a postpartum and reproductive therapist based in Los Angeles.
When you’ve been on all day, surrounded by noise and needs, “even the gentlest touch can feel like pressure,” she explains. “It stops feeling comforting and starts feeling like something you have to brace yourself for.” And between all the demands on our nervous system, touch from our partners is usually the only one we can really control, says Becca Reed, LCSW, a perinatal mental health and trauma therapist.
“Just think: The oven timer is going off, the dog is barking to go outside when you know she’s going to want to come right back in, your two-year-old is having a very audible meltdown because you gave her the green cup, and your infant is crying for milk. Then your partner comes home and wants to give you a quick hug. You can’t let dinner burn or not let the dog out. You want to meet your toddler where she’s at and support her through her feelings, but you also need to feed your infant. The one thing you can control in this scenario is to dodge the hug from your partner or make it very brief.” Most moms then also feel the weight of guilt that they’re so overwhelmed they can’t just hug their partner.
How can you talk to your partner about feeling overstimulated?
Once you’ve realized why you’re feeling this way, it’s hard to then share it with your partner — at the end of the day, telling someone you don’t want them touching you has a lot of potential to land wrong.
“We all want to feel wanted and seen in our relationships, and it generally causes some hurt feelings when this is not the case. I always recommend finding a quiet and calm moment to express your feelings and experience to your partner,” Reed says.
Here are some scripts for bringing it up:
- “You can say, ‘I’ve noticed how I feel amped up and simultaneously depleted after a busy day. It really hits me in the evening. Everything feels really amplified to the point that even a simple hug feels overwhelming and almost intrusive.’ It’s important to relay the fact that it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with how you feel about your partner and that there is a part of you that wants some closeness,” Reed says.
- “Try saying, ‘I love you, and I also feel overstimulated right now. I need some time to decompress so I can be more present with you later.’ This kind of boundary isn’t rejection — it’s honesty rooted in self-awareness. When said with care, it builds trust,” says Alex Huffmaster, LMSW, a licensed therapist specializing in parenting therapy and maternal mental health.
It helps to reassure your partner how much you love and still want them, and specify how this is not something you’re choosing, but something your brain needs.
How can you cope with overstimulation?
Is it possible to turn your nervous system back down at the end of a crazy day? Actually, yeah. You might also be able to help prevent it from happening at all. Here’s what these three experts recommend:
- If you notice yourself getting overstimulated, try to reduce the sensory input you can. Dim the lights, turn off unnecessary noises or put on headphones, and take some deep breaths through your nose. “These simple practices help calm the vagus nerve, which is central to emotional regulation,” says Huffmaster.
- Cup your hands over your eyes so your vision goes dark. “Hang out like this for 30 to 60 seconds and you will notice a positive shift in your nervous system regulation,” says Reed. “Seventy-five percent of sensory input comes by way of our vision. This is why it can be wildly helpful to give our eyes a short break from taking in the world.”
- Take a shower and imagine yourself washing away the extra “noise.” Change into fresh clothes or get into clean sheets.
- Put yourself in a calm, low-stimulation environment. Even 10 to 15 minutes of quiet, where no one is asking anything of you, can make a huge difference. You could step outside or just lie down and stare at the ceiling, honestly.
- Do something that puts you back in your body on your own terms. This can be stretching, walking, foam rolling, or using guided imagery — anything that helps you feel present.
- Carve out a daily time that’s just for you. Use it to read, walk, meditate, stretch, or just be still. Think of them as sensory breaks where you’re connecting with yourself, your partner, or your environment.
As parents, there will always be a million demands for our attention in a day — at least in our kids’ early years. Personally, I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia at the end of last year, which plays a role in keeping my nervous system on high alert constantly. It’s obviously not ideal, but it helped me truly understand how overstimulation works in the brain, and the power of daily mindfulness and sensory breaks to help calm everything down. And now, my husband and I have a shared understanding of what my nervous system needs at the end of an overstimulating day. It takes time and effort, but you can certainly do the same.
