I still remember the day my father-in-law declared he would never change my baby girl’s diapers. I was still pregnant at the time. He claimed, having only raised boys, that he didn’t know how and that, him being a man and her being a girl, it would be inappropriate anyway. This declaration earned an eye roll from me—but hey, he’s from a different generation, I reasoned. He’ll come around.
I was right. My daughter’s grandparents ended up watching her a couple of days a week for nearly three years, and my father-in-law changed countless diapers along the way. So that’s why I had just a glimmer of understanding when a new mom recently posted on Reddit that she was struggling to convince her husband to change diapers.
Except that, unlike my much older and much more entrenched-in-his-ways father-in-law, this dad has yet to come around.
Why This Mom Turned to Reddit for Advice
According to the mom who posted on Reddit, her 23-year-old husband told her “he doesn’t want to change diapers because it’s ‘gross.’”
She did everything right—in fact, she was probably more understanding than she had to be, telling him “…because he is a man and she is a baby girl and she has different parts than he does, it can feel intimidating to clean those parts correctly.” She assured him that she would help him learn along the way.
But after their daughter was born, he still refused to even be in the same room with her when she was changing diapers. He asked, “Why would I take her from you to change her and then bring her back when you could just do it?” To that, she rightfully replied, “Because you’re her dad. What if something happened to me? Or what if I had to leave her with you for an hour or two?”
Actually, she probably could have stopped that reply right at “Because you’re her dad.” Changing diapers is the most basic task a baby’s caregiver can perform. It’s the bare minimum. It’s non-negotiable.
If Your Partner Won’t Help Change Diapers, You May Have Bigger Problems
Breaking down all the red flags in this post would take all day. But let’s start with the obvious. This man is not ready to be a parent. He doesn’t even want to be a parent. As one commenter on the post put it, “This is just the beginning of him getting out his responsibilities, you’ll see this more as time goes on. Best way is to make him to do it. Leave the house for a couple hours. He’ll be forced to changer her.”
OP asks Reddit, “Am I overreacting? How can I talk with him about this?” and if anything, she is underreacting. Mothers are already most often the default parent in their family—they shoulder the majority of the mental load and suffer from exhausting and demoralizing burnout.
This dad is signing her up for a lifetime of doing all the labor of parenthood, with none of the enjoyment. Parenting is hard, but it can also be incredibly fun—it should be an adventure, not a prison sentence.
He seems to be using a tactic known as weaponized incompetence to have his wife shoulder the burden. And for what? It’s hard to imagine what he could be prioritizing over his newborn.
Worst still, it’s by now well proven that mothers are healthier and happier when they can take time away from the labor involved with parenting to reconnect with themselves and build an identity outside of motherhood. That means taking breaks for self-care, which requires a supportive, engaged partner. This guy is barely a babysitter.
Why Refusing to Change Diapers Is Just the Beginning
Mom is not a partner or his equal in this relationship. What she is, is essentially a single parent. To that end, one Reddit commenter offers this advice.
“If you come back and find he hasn’t changed her, maybe give him one more chance but let him know your marriage is on the line. If he fails again, take her and leave. Why stay with someone who refuses to parent his own children?”
Another writes, “Is the expectation that over the next 3 years he will never be alone with his daughter for more than a few minutes? He will never take her anywhere without you? That’s absolutely absurd. He needs to learn how to change a diaper or he literally cannot be a parent.”
I don’t mean to be alarmist, but I hope this dad turns a corner or Mom takes these commenters’ advice.
If there’s one thing she takes to heart, it’s this comment from another Reddit user: “There isn’t any valid justification for this level of disinterest in one’s own child.
